Who to wake?

“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too

Swallow the blue pillow already

I miss you. I guess my brain still refuses to take off its rose colored glasses. Who would've known that a year later the bubble of happiness i was in would burst? Maybe you, you burst the bubble. I should have known. I should have not been so gullible. No use crying over an exploded milk carton though. 

I should stop missing you. I mean, how do you miss someone who is not real?

Sleep on it

Let me sleep a dreamless sleep. Let me sleep until all hope is extinguished. Let me sleep until i'm numb. Until i forget what used to keep me awake. 

...

In the end we're all alone

Demotion

People you work with..

DONT ask how you're doing

What you've been up to

How your weekend is going

Send random texts because it is raining

Whine to you about the weather or traffic situation or life

DONT check if you've had lunch

If you enjoyed your lunch

If you want to go out for lunch

Or dinner

Or check if you've been eating on time

DONT ask you to hang out with them

because they're going through some things

Need company, need a little help

Need your presence to enjoy while going through some rough times in their life

DONT give you gifts to show you they appreciate you

Or  just because they know you want it

Or need it 

Or they just enjoy seeing you happy

Or just because they saw something that reminded them of you

DONT need to know it's your dad or your mom or your brother's birthday 

If you celebrated, how you celebrated. 

DONT need to know if you're home safe  

If they ask, you don't need to reply. 

They should not expect a reply. 

DONT need to be part of your life

Or you part of theirs

If they ask, you are not obligated 

You just need to work with them

Conversations- within office hours

Everything - for convenience

All - within the bounds of work

It makes sense now. 

You don't need to be friends with them. Should not?

It makes sense. When people put their walls up, respect the wall. Because if they want to, they will open the door to let you in. 

Some nights i forget

Random texts. Good mornings. UP. Fic. Rodic's. binatog. Racks. Coffee bean.  Krispy kreme. Prometheus. Spiderman. Paris talk . New york. Especially new york. Peanut butter and hazelnut empanada. Hello panda. Overtimes and sourcing. Park square 1. Cute pets. Hamsters. Gadget window shopping. Palladium. Tsoko loco. Malunggay pesto. Yellow cab. Starbucks. Super bowl. Brothers. Taken. Dredd. Sbarro.  Mexicali. Everyday pop quiz. A lesson a day. SD gundam. Earphones. The hobbit. Shang. Hobbes. That place that sells nachos and cheese poppers? Great toys? Octagon. That petshop. 

It's an endless list. Because no matter how pedestrian some things are, it's fun. With you. That's always the case with friends, right?You know what the best part is? Everyday i spend with you i learn something new. About you. About myself. Positive things. Negative ones. Things to improve on. You may not notice but i want to be better. For myself, for you, for my friends. Sometimes i forget that everyday i have the chance to be better. Sometimes i get trapped in my own little world. Why do you think i gravitate towards you? Because things are clearer when i'm around you. You probably disagree because i whine, i complain, i talk stupid. But after all the crazy talk, after the occasional waterworks, i feel better. My thoughts a little less muddy. I know you're busy. You don't need to be bothered by my ramblings. 

Be a little more patient with me. I'm trying to get my shit together. Don't quit being a friend. 

Rainy days make it hard to be a non-believer

I don't believe in destiny. I like to think hardwork pays off. Maybe it does. Maybe i am just a control freak. 

Destiny offers a certain level of comfort that you sometimes seek when you're down. It's particularly useful in matters of relationships. In finding a partner in life. In finding someone. We can always turn to destiny when a recent interesting acquaintance becomes bland, when something good turns sour. It wasn't meant to be, we say. It was meant to be that way.  We kid ourselves. 

It would be nice to be able to tell  yourself on rainy days that destiny is working on your 'Love story'. That somewhere somehow pieces of an elaborate puzzle are falling into place. That you can sit back and enjoy a warm cup of hot chocolate while the tides of fate bring you closer to your soulmate. Not believing in destiny makes that impossible. 

I am not bitter. I can accept what is and isnt so. I can manage life alone. I have good friends. I know their value. I am happy with them. I know how lucky i am.  The blessings are pouring, when i open my eyes. But wouldn't it be great to find someone who complements you. Who challenges you and supports you. Who loves you. Love. I wonder what it's like when someone who's not family or a friend loves you. Is it any different? 

Wouldn't it be great to find someone who's complete without you but would rather complicate their lives with your presence because, well, love. Is it real? 

I dont have destiny's comforting whispers when i ask myself these. I'm alone in my head. No one to assure me someone will come along. Sure, that's what people will tell us. We want to believe. I want to believe. But we know there's possibility that's never gonna happen. 

It's hard when you don't believe in destiny and you feel some sort connection with someone. Albeit a fake connection. You know that if you don't give it a shot no wheels of fate are turning to bring you back together. That sort of thing only happens in movies. 

There's freedom in choices. You're free to decide and also free to mess up. 

9:03 PM Map

I have enough courage for a blog post

Let me just put this out there. I do not pine or hope or wish for anything more than friendship. I may have gotten too smitten at times, but i never misinterpreted the supposed friendship you are giving as something romantic. It is what it is. Just friendship. That has been set since day 1. What i feel is not relevant. If you're putting distance because you think i am pining, spare me. I know my place. 

I am only disoriented by the sudden shift  from 'i think we could be friends' to 'let's just be officemates'. It was never because i hoped for more than what i am entitled to. If it was because i asked, keep on asking for attention, I am sorry. i was only missing what i thought was the norm.  In my defense, you did give me attention. You listened and you allowed me to get to know you. (Or at least that's what i thought). I did think for a time that it was too much, but it was you who said that's normal for you. You have this whole speech about not spreading yourself too thin so you can give more of yourself to the people who matter. (In fairness to you, you did stress 'people who matter) I was a little too gullible to allow myself to get used to the setup. Sorry. 

If you feel you gave too much and now you're pulling back, you should have said something. For normal people that does not require explanation. But for me it does. Yes, that is how socially inept i am. I made that very clear. Didn't i? 

If you think you need to setup boundaries because  i'm crossing the line, then just say so. That's  why i asked, i also want things clearly demarcated. If i crossed the line, i'm sorry. 

I am generally not clingy and demanding. But when you give me a certain level of attention (i was under the  impression that was your version of friendship) and you take it all away, i am bound to ask what's up? It is not the absence of lunch outs, dinners, movies, window shopping per se. You have oh so effectively pulled the welcome mat from under me and shut me out. A simple 'how are you?' doesnt seem to merit an answer. 

I know there is no point in writing this because apparently you don't like talking about things. (And you are not reading this, which is a plus methinks) It's a wonder how you survived me for the past several months. I like to talk. 

Oh, i just remembered you said you also liked to talk. Is that true? I kinda wonder if the you i met is the real deal. Yes, i actually doubt the realness of the good times. Whether those were happy times with you or just a pretend version of you,  they were still fun times. I hope you weren't fake enjoying my company. I think it's safe to say i provide decent company. 

So really, what i'm trying to say is if you arr busy and preoccupied (and can only focus on so many things at the same time) i understand. But don't make me feel as though i constantly have to consult a checklist of things i can and cannot do or say to you. I think you're company is good enough to want to keep around (again, not for romantic reasons). I care enough to want you around. If you do not feel the same, then by all means just be clear enough in cutting me off. I won't have a grand time dealing with that, but i know that happens. Please be kind enough to show me the way out. Don't just shut the door. 

Aaaand we are done overthinking! 

I love this movie

70% movie, 30% you

Ok, maybe 50% movie, 50% you

Were you happy too?

Missing people is okay

Ikinda miss you. Not in the i miss you in general kind of way. It's different. It's weird. 

I miss talking to you. I miss whining haha.  There are people who will listen to my whines. Everyone's perspective is different. I miss hearing yours.

I still talk to you. I still whine. We're generally okay. I just feel a little restricted. Time. I can't ask for too much. I have to confine all my talking within office hours. That is never enough time for me of course.  But i have to stick to it. I can't continue telling you all my useless stories thru sms or other forms of communication for fear that i might be getting too close. That i am encroaching on your personal space again. There's a tiny fear of rejection too. That i might be ignored. 

Things are generally okay. I've learned my place. I've learned I don't need to fully understand everything to accept it. I've learned that things change and they are not necessarily good or bad. Just changes. Plain and simple. 

I've accepted the limitations of some things. I've accepted some of the things i've  gotten used to had to be changed. We may not always enjoy the change. But it is for the better. Because we have to make it better. 

I miss a level ofcloseness that may have been too much for our friendship. I miss it a lot. But we have to learn to cull certain emotions. 

I miss you. And i've learned that it's okay if i do. 

But sometimes we have to bottle it up. 

Backtracking across My Brain: Everyone's somebody's collateral damage

All this will be fodder for future embarrasing stories of yourself. Where you cried over nothing and acted like a total psycho. In the end you will have acted like a complete fool. Scared people enough for them to disassociate themselves from you.   Exhausted people enough that they dont want to be around you. You will have driven everyone away. Even your friends will get tired of your stories. The very person you're trying to keep around will leave. And you will cry and you will hold on (to nothing) and you will beg for them not to go. All the while knowing you're being stupid. At least your wits will not leave you but your self confidence, self respect ad self control will be out the window. So you will continue to act stupid. You will be overdramatic, too paranoid and you will overanalyze. That's what he will tell you. If it was not true to begin with, you will make it true.  You will refuse to give up because giving up is not an option. You will try to suppress the wsterworks everytime your invitation gets declined, or when a text goes unanswered. You know you're wasting time but who cares.  you will be stupid and you will be all te things you  hate in other people. All the things you know you're not. And when your self esteem has been pureed, chilled, and ready for serving (because you're stupid enough to think everything is your fault) you will stop. You will go back to who you really are. Someone who does not need other people to be happy. The non paranoid, well adjusted person you are. Okay maybe you are not well adjusted but you will learn to cull all those crazy emotions again. Because that much you know you can do. 

That will be the worse part. When you have to put your wall back up. You will smile and you will laugh but it's a lukewarm feeling. Everyone will be on the other side of the wall. Again. It's not your fault. Maybe i trusted too much, too soon. Felt too much. Confused myself. Wandered. 

I may let my emotions get the best of me. Sometimes. Too often. Still working on improving that. But i am worth every second of someone's time. Just not yours maybe. I am just your collateral damage. 

And this will probably never taste as good as it did before

Matalino ka naman

Puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

'Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s'ya na lang
Sana'y ako naman
'Di mo lang alam
Ika'y minamasdan
Sana'y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

'Di mo lang alam
Kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang
Bumabalik ang lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako'y nandito lang
Hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman

Kung ikaw at ako
Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito
Ay dapat bang sumuko
Sana hindi ka na lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako'y masasaktan ng ganito
Sana'y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

'Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s'ya na lang
Sana'y ako naman
'Di mo lang alam
O, ika'y minamasdan
Sana iyo'y mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

Just get over it sappy fool

I miss texting haha. I miss you. But that's all in the past, a year to be almost exact. Gone are the witty messages, good mornings, take cares and good nights. Sometimes people get bored, seek company then become bored again and leave. Find something, someone else to keep them company.  It happens. 

No one gives a damn so stop feeling anything. It just makes you look crazy. 

I am tired, God.

Please give me rest. 

All purpose blog

I've been posting an incredible amount of non sense lately. Not that this blog was ever meant to mean anything. But this page has been getting an extra dose of non sense everyday. 

This blog is serving its purpose. 

It was meant to be a place for all my useless, random thoughts. Some of the posts i've published i no longer believe in. Some i still do. Some still make sense to me. Some dont. I write almost immediately after a burst of emotion. I seldom hold back. I write whatever comes to mind. I read and notice all the errors. Grammatical, content wise. I read some and it's like i have memorized the whole entry. Sometimes i read it and it's like someone else wrote it. 

I take mental notes. I correlate what happened with what i wrote. I learn how i may have overreacted. How i should have handled the situation. Why my theory is flawed. Why i dont make sense. I try to learn. This is how i learn. I have to think. Maybe i overthink. Maybe because that's all i get to do. Think, wonder, sometimes hope. I've been told that maybe i should just keep my thoughts to myself. That's why i write lest i just die from so many thoughts and wonderments and hopes left unsaid. 

If i want to keep you then i'll go crazy on you more than once. Because i want you to know me and i want to know if we can handle each other. I'm not a very good judge of character. 

I'm not sure why im writing this. Maybe just so i dont lose track of what lesson im trying to learn. I'm kinda lost right now. Well maybe not lost. Just really sad. 

I did learn something new this week. Get hope out of your head. Play loud music until you are deaf and  pretend that you dont care. When care starts creeping back. Lie. And pretend some more.