Backtracking across My Brain: Everyone's somebody's collateral damage

All this will be fodder for future embarrasing stories of yourself. Where you cried over nothing and acted like a total psycho. In the end you will have acted like a complete fool. Scared people enough for them to disassociate themselves from you.   Exhausted people enough that they dont want to be around you. You will have driven everyone away. Even your friends will get tired of your stories. The very person you're trying to keep around will leave. And you will cry and you will hold on (to nothing) and you will beg for them not to go. All the while knowing you're being stupid. At least your wits will not leave you but your self confidence, self respect ad self control will be out the window. So you will continue to act stupid. You will be overdramatic, too paranoid and you will overanalyze. That's what he will tell you. If it was not true to begin with, you will make it true.  You will refuse to give up because giving up is not an option. You will try to suppress the wsterworks everytime your invitation gets declined, or when a text goes unanswered. You know you're wasting time but who cares.  you will be stupid and you will be all te things you  hate in other people. All the things you know you're not. And when your self esteem has been pureed, chilled, and ready for serving (because you're stupid enough to think everything is your fault) you will stop. You will go back to who you really are. Someone who does not need other people to be happy. The non paranoid, well adjusted person you are. Okay maybe you are not well adjusted but you will learn to cull all those crazy emotions again. Because that much you know you can do. 

That will be the worse part. When you have to put your wall back up. You will smile and you will laugh but it's a lukewarm feeling. Everyone will be on the other side of the wall. Again. It's not your fault. Maybe i trusted too much, too soon. Felt too much. Confused myself. Wandered. 

I may let my emotions get the best of me. Sometimes. Too often. Still working on improving that. But i am worth every second of someone's time. Just not yours maybe. I am just your collateral damage. 

And this will probably never taste as good as it did before