This is as close as I can get to loving you

I'm never gonna be able to tell you.And I messed up the chance I had to show you. You never asked for it, and you never seemed to care for it. It would be utter stupidity to tell you now given the situation. It's like giving away something you never thought you can share with anyone and asking them to break it.

I never told you how I feel because I was afraid of it. And because I wasn't asking for anything in return. I was happy the way things were. And besides, I can't be the perfect girl you were looking for. I was afraid if I told you, you might mistake it for me waiting for reciprocation. So I held back. I have to struggle everyday to keep myself in check. To not give myself away. I was constantly fighting the fear of losing you if I loved you too much.

It hurts. Too much. I'm not even sure why. Seeing you find the girl I always knew you were bound to find. I guess it hurts more because I am not even part of that picture the way I hoped I can be. A friend. That's the least I can be, right? I guess not. I hear stories about you from other people. They are the ones who know you more than I do now. It was partly my fault, I know. I was not the perfect friend when I had the chance to be. I was always holding back. I was not able to make you feel that you made me happy.

I have friends. I have friends who are patient enough to stand by me. I have friends who make me happy. I just wish you were still one of them. One of the few people who really make me happy.

I hate regret because it is useless. It is just a waste of time. I would rather try and make up for the mistakes I made. But I don't know how. I miss you like hell. But I guess you have her now to listen to your stories. And in terms of being a friend, I guess she has so much more to give than I can. And this is what you've been dreaming of, to have a family. I heard that's also her dream. I hope she makes you happy.I hope you make each other happy.

Sometimes I wish I can be more like you. I've always felt like you were someone who could love. And show it. I can't. I have to learn how to do that. That's on my list.
This is the best I can do now. To tell you I love you here where you might not even find it. This is the most my courage will take me. I hope you're happy. Always.

...

So tell me, if I avoid the things that hurt me, does that make me smart? Smart enough to not hurt myself?

Or does that make me weak? So weak I can't face the things that hurt me.

Methinks

I thought I was moving forward. Maybe not,

I lost track of why I do the things I do. And now I wonder if I'm defeating my own purpose.

Maybe I should just do it. Get it over with. Maybe then I'll start moving again. I should really just stop analyzing things. What's to lose anyway...

Things couldn't get worse right?

'I love you' is a statement not a question. There's no answer to a statement only comments.

Lord sana walang nagaganap na lokohan. Ayoko na niloloko ako at mas lalo na ayokong niloloko ang mga taong mahal ko.

...

I know happiness is a choice. I've heard other people say it, i've heard myself say it to others. I think it is a choice just like everything else is.

But what do you do when it's so much easier to fall into that pit of sadness? Or that everytime you try to be okay, you just slip on your own tears?

Ansakit sakit na.

Condescending much?

I don't like thinking ill of others. I always try to believe and at times, force myself to believe they have good intentions. I try. That does not mean I'm always successful.

I don't like being forced into a decision. I don't like words being put in my mouth. I don't like being put on the spot.

I am afraid it is time to detach. I hate the idea that I might lose, I might end up giving up what I was fighting for just because I do not like the person beside you. I'm tired.

Hey, Neil!

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

...

I am in a very weird place. It's like quicksand. Don't move and you sink. Make a move towards something and you sink quicker. See, it doesn't really matter. You're gonna drown anyway. It's just a matter of time.

I will be laughing at all this in a couple of months. Or before the year ends, tops. That's a commitment to myself. But until then, laughter and smiles will be a luxury.

Stolen from an unknown author in the world wide web

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.

...

I’m going to stay for as long as there is reason to stay because I am afraid that when I leave there is no coming back.

When I decide it's time to walk away, it won't be because I stopped loving you. It's not because of the pain. I'm gonna stay as long as you want me to stay. Without waiting for anything in return.

I loved you then without realizing that was what I was doing, feeling. Without pain. I'm going back to that place, where it is possible to love. I'm going back to that place where I can feel without being hurt. As long as the you I've come know is still there, I will go back. I don't care how painful the process is going to be.

But when I feel that that place, the person has long gone. I will leave.I was only enduring the pain for the friendship I thought existed. And there's no point in staying if that was not even there in the first place.

I tried.

The only thing I never did was to put my feelings in words. To let the actual words escape. To verbalize it.

Whatever I did, it was the only way I knew how. It's underwhelming, I know. It's lacking. It's not enough. It probably didn't even come across as feelings.

I didn't know how to show it. But I was trying.

It's difficult not knowing how to make people realize that they make you happy. That the thought of losing them haunts you ever time you're alone with your thoughts.

But it's harder to lose the person before you have the time to figure out what you actually feel.

I am sarcastic

I told you it would make me sad.
Thanks for doing exactly what I told you not to do.

Thanks for not listening.

Thanks for making me feel that insignificant.
That easy to take forgranted.

Thanks for constantly reminding me that I should learn to trust people.
Thanks for making me feel that trusting people sometimes really is not worth it.

Thanks for pulling me out of my shell
Making me feel vulnerable

Thanks for pouring ice cold water over my emotions

Naturally

I like seeing you smile. Whoever, whatever is making you smile.

I'm missing it now. And I haven't even lost it yet.

Pulled from under, hitting nothing

You caught me off guard. I was under the impression that I was prepared.

I was constantly battling against that happy feeling I get when I see you, when I talk to you, when I’m around you. I was stopping myself from being happy. At some point I realized that being happy was something I have not felt for quite some time. Maybe that’s why it felt so weird. I tried to be all analytical. I tried to figure out if I should stay or go. I figured there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Acquiescence. And then there was that voice in my head constantly sounding the alarm. ‘Stop right there, stupid.’ It was a choice between being happy and being stupid. I decided to be stupidly happy and happily stupid.

But then of course it has to end. In reality nothing really ended. I’m still happy to see you, to talk to you, to be around you. But this time there is that tugging feeling in that area where the heart should be. (More like being torn apart feeling). There is that constant stinging which I can’t quite place, a lump in my throat that is steadily getting harder to swallow. The ground was pulled from under me. That was when I banged my head on nothing and realized you caught me off guard.

I do not understand. I hate not understanding something I thought I was prepared for. I hate hurting for no reason. I hate seeing no wound from where blood could flow. I hate hurting from nowhere.

The original plan was to be happy, to be wounded, to be healed and to go on. And now I can’t find the wound, how the hell am I supposed to heal.

I do not even understand why it’s killing me.

I do not understand why I’m turning emo. And I don’t even know what that means.

Sometimes I break into a song “I wanna get out of this, I wonder is there anything I’m gonna miss”

Sometimes I want to get away and then I realize this is my fault. When I think about it I do not really want to get away from you. Sometimes I wish I listened to that voice in my head, and then I think about what I would have missed. Sometimes I wonder if being happy for a while was worth getting all lost now. I’m still wondering.

It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

I think I learned a lot in the process. I think I know myself better now. I do not like the ‘me’ I got to know. I think I lost myself long ago and I do not know where to find it. I do not want to get stuck with this version of me. My innate ability to stitch myself back together got lost with the old version of me. I’m getting worse at this game of pretending.

I know it shows. I do not like that. I’m so good at fooling myself into thinking I’m okay. Now, I probably can’t even fool a child. I’m a mess at best.

Do not give me that ‘in 6 months you’ll be fine’ line. I want to be okay now.