Naturally

I like seeing you smile. Whoever, whatever is making you smile.

I'm missing it now. And I haven't even lost it yet.

Pulled from under, hitting nothing

You caught me off guard. I was under the impression that I was prepared.

I was constantly battling against that happy feeling I get when I see you, when I talk to you, when I’m around you. I was stopping myself from being happy. At some point I realized that being happy was something I have not felt for quite some time. Maybe that’s why it felt so weird. I tried to be all analytical. I tried to figure out if I should stay or go. I figured there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Acquiescence. And then there was that voice in my head constantly sounding the alarm. ‘Stop right there, stupid.’ It was a choice between being happy and being stupid. I decided to be stupidly happy and happily stupid.

But then of course it has to end. In reality nothing really ended. I’m still happy to see you, to talk to you, to be around you. But this time there is that tugging feeling in that area where the heart should be. (More like being torn apart feeling). There is that constant stinging which I can’t quite place, a lump in my throat that is steadily getting harder to swallow. The ground was pulled from under me. That was when I banged my head on nothing and realized you caught me off guard.

I do not understand. I hate not understanding something I thought I was prepared for. I hate hurting for no reason. I hate seeing no wound from where blood could flow. I hate hurting from nowhere.

The original plan was to be happy, to be wounded, to be healed and to go on. And now I can’t find the wound, how the hell am I supposed to heal.

I do not even understand why it’s killing me.

I do not understand why I’m turning emo. And I don’t even know what that means.

Sometimes I break into a song “I wanna get out of this, I wonder is there anything I’m gonna miss”

Sometimes I want to get away and then I realize this is my fault. When I think about it I do not really want to get away from you. Sometimes I wish I listened to that voice in my head, and then I think about what I would have missed. Sometimes I wonder if being happy for a while was worth getting all lost now. I’m still wondering.

It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

I think I learned a lot in the process. I think I know myself better now. I do not like the ‘me’ I got to know. I think I lost myself long ago and I do not know where to find it. I do not want to get stuck with this version of me. My innate ability to stitch myself back together got lost with the old version of me. I’m getting worse at this game of pretending.

I know it shows. I do not like that. I’m so good at fooling myself into thinking I’m okay. Now, I probably can’t even fool a child. I’m a mess at best.

Do not give me that ‘in 6 months you’ll be fine’ line. I want to be okay now.

Crazy victim

I need something
From you

I need to know you're happy

I care

It hurts when people say you don't care. Don't care about anything at all.
It hurts because I do. I care about a lot of things.
I just don't know how to show it.
Or I have my own way of showing it.
But I guess it does not really show.

It hurts.

I want you stay. But I want to hate you.
It comes to a point where it hurts too much
And I honestly wonder why.

I wonder

I want to see you happy. But I wonder why it hurts.
I know I can't be in her place.
Because you'd rather not.
Because I'd rather not.

I guess we see that eye to eye.

I want to stay. I want you to stay.
But I still want to hate you.
That would make things easier.
If I just hate you.

It hurts to wonder why I can't even see eye to eye with myself

So what do I do?
Continue to hurt
Continue to wonder
Continue to stay

Words that will never escape

Never expected anything in return. Does not plan to.

And still desperately trying to figure out what I'm trying to do.

I hate having to live with the regret of leaving words unsaid.

But that is what I need to do to keep you.

I often wonder, 'Can I really keep you?'

...

Is it just a struggle between denying something that is already there and preventing yourself from realizing something that you already knew?

If I succeed in denying, in not realizing...

Do I really lose something by holding back? Is it even possible to lose something I never had...

It is...

I dont like posting song lyrics only because I feel like I should string my own ideas together and should not depend on the thoughts of others. well, this one struck home. So, what the hey

What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

...

I live for the things that constantly elude me.
I wonder if it will all be worth it.

Victim 3443

Girl wearing Tear Stained shirt and a Morphine Drip
Whose diary I snatched..

I have gone through all the pages. It was painful. Listening to her words without my inane inserts brings tears to my eyes…

Her opening line was:

I’m writing this so I have something to laugh about in a couple of months. Once I have realized I’m okay, I’ll find this all funny.

I thought alcohol was supposed to make you numb, at least for the time being. Or maybe I wasn’t drunk enough. I didn’t think it allows all the things that you are so good at suppressing to surface. It hurts to be drunk.

Just like thinking about you hurts like hell. Usually, putting pain in words helps. Sort of starts the healing process. This is going to be one long and painful process. And it hasn’t even started yet.

I want to regret a lot of things. I want to regret not being aware. I want to regret not seeing the signs. Want to regret putting off building that wall until I cant even bring myself to draw the line.

I want to hate myself. I want to hate myself more. i want to hate myself for letting myself fall. I want to hate myself for thinking I can manage. Want to hate myself for writing this.

I could not bring myself to regret everything. I could not hate myself more than I already do. I do not want to lose the memory of you and my stint with happiness.


Second…how unlucky

It took a decade to finally want to erase that friendship line I draw around everyone I meet. To meet someone I’ll gladly cross the line for while at the same time being aware of how painful it’s going to end. This is the closest it has felt to the last time. No, I’m not in love. Thank God, or I don’t know if I’ll be capable of writing this had it come to that. Doesn’t matter though. It hurts like hell, still.

I miss being behind the safety of my wall where it’s easier not to get hurt.

I agree with her. A wall is a very convenient way of not being hurt. Also, the easiest way to not be anything at all. That diary of hers has plenty of more painful and tear stained entries. Once I get around to transcribing them I’ll post them here.

I hope this diary has a part two though because I’m not seeing anything that says…

I’m laughing at how sappy and sad I was in my previous entries.

Signing on...

Time to take some tissue, my nearly dried out pen and a useless, random topic I snatch from a stranger. Snort my favorite ground coffee and put my two cents in a coffee cup.

Sit, just don’t bother my coffee.

Goodbye, indefinitely...

If is should properly document my everyday life this entry will end here.

Fortunately, I have enough sense in me to try and create a little fun in my world. It has worked quite well for the past so and so years. Just enough to keep me borderline sane. For the past few months now it has been steadily becoming useless. My lalaland is falling apart. I think I invented a character so good that I wish he was real. And by real I mean imperfect…

This is cconfused signing off indefinitely. All future entries shall be credited to this other person I do not really know.

Walking away

You should never make important decisions while happiness runs amok in your head. It clouds your ability to think straight, objectively, unbiased. It creates faulty parallelism in your thoughts ----and in your sentences. Happiness masks the truth of the impending hurt.

I don’t regret being happy, that would be stupid. I love being happy. I love waking up knowing I don’t need to find a reason to be happy. I just am. But that doesn’t mean it will not hurt. And it hurts like hell. So don’t blame me for being afraid.

I enjoyed the smiles while it lasted. I’m guessing it’s payback time.

Thanks for saying it for me

I know it's not new, but I still love it.

I Google you
late at night when I don't know what to do
I find photos
you've forgotten
you were in
put up by your friends

I Google you
when the day is done and everything is through
I read your journal
that you kept
that month in France
I've watched you dance

And I'm pleased your name is practically unique
it's only you and
a would-be PhD in Chesapeake
who writes papers on
the structure of the sun
I've read each one

I know that I
should let you fade
but there's that box
and there's your name
somehow it never makes the pain
grow less or fade or disappear
I think that I should save my soul and
I should crawl back in my hole
But it's too easy just to fold
and type your name again
I fear
I google you
Whenever I'm alone and feeling blue
And each scrap of information
That I gather
says you've got somebody new
And it really shouldn't matter
ought to blow up my computer
but instead….
I google you

Neil Gaiman

Gee, thanks

So much for carefully thinking things through. So much for all the hours I spent going through all the 'real life issues' I was so scared of encountering.

I don't want to go through this again. It's will only be fun for a while. Before I know it I'm gonna have to run away and hide, just as always.

I never wanted apathy. But this is a little too overwhelming. My thoughts are swimming in mush, and I'm not getting anything done.

My other life has to go on hiatus. The real world is partially back online.

...

The real world is on hiatus.