used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that

anthem for a seventeen year old girl, broken social scene

...

Sentence construction is such a big deal right now. mainly because i can't quite construct one worthy to be read. ENVY. i hate this four letter word.

old ideas part four

Resisting change (for now)
Change is good. Generally. There are things that seem wrong, or things that desperately need change but you can’t bring yourself to well, change.

Sometimes they scream for it and you feel the need. Sometimes it is wrong, but it doesn’t ask for change..

For now things will remain unchanged or wrong or whatever until it screams for the need to change.

coffee stains

Rain and coffee

hindi pa ko nakakapaligo sa ulan. Abnormal ba? Parang hindi nagdaan sa kabataan?

Siguro nga, kasi hindi ko maalala ang pagiging bata.

Kapag umuulan, parang ang romantic ng mga bagay… pero syempre yun ay pag nasa kotse o sa bahay ka at hindi habang nagaabang ng sasakyan pauwi.

Gusto ko kapag umuulan. Naaalala kita.

Ordinary day lang nun. Pakalat kalat lang ako. Ikaw rin. Magkasama tayong pakalat kalat. Kwentuhan tayo tungkol sa mga walang kakwenta kwentang bagay. Nagtatawanan na parang wala tayong klase. Natatamad tayong pumasok e. Napaka BI mo talaga…

Parang kang taong pariwara, pero may direksyon. Hindi magkaktugma ang mga ugali mo, pero OK lang kasi ikaw yon. Sa totoo lang wala ako masyado alam tungkol sayo. Oo,makwento ka, pero alam ko na hindi pa rin kita kilala.

Ang alam ko lang masaya ko.

Kumakanta ka nun, tumutula ako. Nagpapakapasaway tayo. Tapos nagsimulang umambon. Hindi ko pinansin nung una hanggang unti unting lumakas. Tumayo ako tapos hinila kita,

“huy umuulan!”

Pero hindi ka kumibo. Syempre, nagpapanggap ka nanaman na serious ka.

Bigla kang tumayo tapos sabi mo “di ka pa nakakapaligo sa ulan diba”

Kamusta naman yan, balak mo ata maligo sa ulan. Wala kong balak magkasakit no.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit pumayag ako na tumayo dun, ang lamig ng ulan. Hindi ko magets kung anong masaya sa ulan.

Habang nagmunimuni ako. Nakatayo ka lang, binibilang mo siguro yung patak ng ulan.

Nakatayo lang tayo, parang tangang hindi napapansin na umulaan. Tiningnan kita. Tiningnan mo ang malayo. Binubulong sakin ng ulan ang mga salitang kahit kelan di ko maririnig sayo. Mga bagay na satin lang kapag umuulan.

Hindi ko alam kung gano katagal ang ulan. Para sakin napakabilis. Bigla na lang tumigil ang pagpatak. Basang basa tayo.

“huy! Tapos na, tao ka na! nakapaligo ka nasa ulan.”

Gago ka talaga…tumakbo tayo papuntang building. Good luck sa car seats mo mamya pag hinatid mo ko. Dahil sa ayaw at sa gusto mo, ihahatid mo ko.

Mahal ko ang ulan gaya ng pagmamahal ko sayo. Hindi ko kayang ipaliwanag. Ayaw kong kwestyunin. Parang pagkwestyun un sa pagligo natin sa ulan.

Tuwing umuulan, naaalala kita. Minsan naluluha ako. Minsan napapangiti. Madalas napapagkamalang baliw.

Kahit imahinasyon at kape lang ang bumubuo sa pangarap kong makasama ka sa ulan, masaya pa rin ako.

of public transpo and lonely hands

Sa magulong lugar na to
Tinatawag nilang Maynila
Kung saan sasakit ang paa mo
Sa paghihintay ng masasakyan
Nakatayo kang nagaabang
Ng sasakyang
Maghahatid sayo
Pauwi
Palayo
Nakalusot ka
Sa mga kaagaw mong nagaabang din
Isang oras mong hihintayin
At sa loob
parang pugon
Na sing bagal ng pagong
Ngunit may mga araw na malamig
Ngunit mabagal pa rin
Maiinip ka
Makakaidlip
Hanggang mapansin mo
Ang kamay mo
Nanlalamig na
Magugulat ka
Isang mainit na kamay
Ang aabot dito
Walang tanong
Basta ngayon hindi na nanlalamig
Ang kamay mong
Madalas mag-isa
Isang oras at kalahati
Kung malas ay dalawa
Pagtitiisan mo ang biyahe
Para makauwi
At magpanggap na magpapahinga
Ngunit ang araw na to
Iba
Dahil ang mapagsolo mong kamay
Ay may kasama.
Naidlip ka ulit
Nagising dahil sa preno
Naruon pa rin ang kamay
Nakikiramay
Sa nilalamig mong kanang kamay
Malapit na
Ang palengke naraanan mo na
Sabay tingin
Sa kamay
Na nakahawak sa iyo
Parang paalam at pasasalamat
Madidismaya ka ba?
Kung malalaman mong
Kaliwang kamay mo pala yon
Nakikisama sa kanan mo
Ngiti at inis
Kamay mo rin pala
‘bayad po’
inabot ng kaliwa mong kamay
ang bayad sa malamig
at mabagal na pugon
na nahaghatid sayo
mula Maynila
hanggang bundok
masyado na ba malungkot
at kailangan mo nang
pagtyagaan ang sarili mong
palad
para may kasama naman ang
isa
na laging nagiisa

...

i will continue to do what makes me feel alive. i will not let go of something that prevents me from resorting to apathy. i will bleed and hurt until something comes along to make me smile without the pain, to make me go on life without morphines, to make me miss the pain. something that will lift the veil of addiction to pain.

pains without scars. you'd think they go away faster than those that leave terrible marks, guess they don't. it's harder to relieve yourself of pain that emanates from nowhere.

old ideas part three

I’m overdoing it. It’s difficult to let go of something you thought you’ve wanted forever and find that it is not for you. I could have made it work. I could. I know. Eventually the load will lighten up, the pressure will be relieved and I’ll start to enjoy again. But I’m too much of an idealist (translated to stubborn) right now.

I screwed up a great opportunity that will never come by again because I’m too scared to pass by that road again. Maybe I’m just lazy. Romanticizing stuff.

I love that I’m feeling conflict right now, I haven’t resorted to apathy yet.

...

Posted last june 29

nabuhay nanaman ang pangarap kong magsulat. nakailangan ko munang ipagpaliban dahil di pa ko tapos gumawa ng plate sa design subject sa arki...hindi journalism, creative writing o kung anong mang may kinalaman sa pagsulat.

isasantabi ko muna ang paborito kong pagsusulat, para mag drawing.
Isasantabi. Di ko nagawa yan.

Pinilit ko pagsabayin. Last month desidido ko na alam ko ang ginagawa ko. Ngayon, napapaisip ako kung bakit ko nga ba ginawa yon.

Akala ko dati, emotionally stable ako. Wait lang, di pala. Medyo lang. bakit ngayon, naguguluhan nanaman ako. Ang hirap pa nito, di ko na dapt iniisip to.

Itutulog ko muna to, baka bukas wala na.

old ideas part two

I finally did it. Signed the worst letter I think I will ever make (fingers crossed). Again, it all sounds so official. It scares me.

This is harder than deciding whether I should pass that résumé because it sucks. This is harder that actually deciding whether I should write it or not. Yesterday I just found out something that is harder; walking inside a room, submitting a letter that need not be edited, will be taken as it s and ending the two-month-assurance that there is something between my ears.

Who gets teary eyed over a business letter?

I mulled this over and over and still even though your sure with no second thoughts, it’s sad.

Sorry for disappointing people. I’m not sure if apologized in the letter.

...

new turns old turns rotten. so i need to let this out. and the birth of old ideas series.
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Cuppiness and Coffiness: Happiness in a cup of coffee

Translation: cup=gazillion gallons

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Green tea frap like coffee is also inspiring then again maybe not.

I was staring at my green tea frap 3 hrs ago and it thought “ I should be a lazy creative whatever” I mean, I romanticize everything. I wait for the muses before getting to work which means I never get any work done which also means I am lazy. I work best without a schedule or rather a very flexible one. Pushing deadlines not beating them. I’ll end up in the dumps. That’s reassuring

Notice the abundance of I’s. Man I’m self centered.

tamadness

forgive the title. can't think of anything else. hence, tamadness.

tamadness again, dahil nakakatamad mag edit ng html. dahil trial and error. so ngaun nasa baba ang remainder of the blog. (must be a sign, di na dapat magsayang ng oras sa mga kung ano anung tests.)

nakakadira ang language, masyadong kolokyal. haaay

...

sino mabait na may CLockwork Orange. movie or book.

and lolita. stanley kubrick din. movie na lang. love the book. basta.

just in

here's a sweet truth:

someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

haaaaaaaaaaay

old stuff part 1

The drafting table of a supposed writer

My table is looking weird now. There are superimposed 15 by 20 clear prints in the center all waiting to be inked or started. Taped on the upper right side or sometimes on the left are 3 pages of short bond paper, printed on them is the proof that a few people actually believe I can write. Beside my table is the computer. Dusty. At night until the wee hours of the morning I find myself shuffling between the table and computer. Sometimes or most of the time I end up in between, which is the bed. And tomorrow I wake up with nothing to submit, stressed and in big trouble.

The table I use for drafting. The computer I use for writing. Before, I never put my ramblings directly on screen, I let them run around the paper first to develop, then they end up edited in MS Word. Nowadays, I can not afford them running around. Either there is no room to run around or there are no ideas to run around. It gets annoying.

The computer and the table are now basically the same. I never want to use them when I need to. I am in really big trouble now; the Indecisiveness Syndrome is firing up. I hate second thoughts. That’s why I taped the 3-page proof of my brain beside all the things I have to do. Hoping that it will anchor my floating head, I need it. It scares me. It’s so official.

My table is looking weird, still. It’s also dirty.

today

I am enjoying this. Lunch, without thoughts of deadlines running inside my head. Early dismissal,period.

One day soon when it finally sinks in, i'm gonna miss 'the stint work'. I do feel bad. I do feel like a great oppurtunity has been messed up. But I'm hoping I made the right choice. Or. I will make it the right choice.

I am sorry for disappointing people.