Everyone hates having second thoughts. I especially hate having second thoughts about something that I need to do. Something I want badly a few months ago. I'm not sure what changed, cold feet? Stress, pressure. I'm not sure giving myself time is working. I think I have given myself enough time. Things should have worked itself out by now.
Boo me. If things do not pan out in the next few days, all efforts will be wasted.
When you make a move towards something you want, you have to keep trying. When it does not make a move towards you, you try again. You try until you succeed, not when you get tired and not when someone tells you to stop.
But you have to stop at some point. Not on a preset date, not on an agreed upon finish line. You stop when you know it is time.
You stop when you’re moving towards something that keeps moving away. You stop when you are no longer the same person moving towards the same thing. You stop when you can no longer find a silly explanation to keep moving towards it.
You stop when you’re no longer learning. You stop when you’re no longer happy.
The one who will empower you to be who you want to be.
The one who will bring out the best in you.
The one who will make you realize you are complete on your own.
The one who will make all your days worth looking forward to.
The one who will argue endlessly with you about mundane things.
The one who will stand by you no matter how wrong he thinks you are.
The one who will point out all these wrong things once you are together in private.
The one who will love the things you hate most about yourself.
The one who will love you.
The one.
I used to and still do, live my life vicariously. I have been doing so and enjoying it for the better half of my life which makes trying to live life first hand all the more harder. Lucky me, although college can be tough it has soft spots that always know where to find you.
The Syllabus
Subject: College Life
Classroom: Above ground and just below the clouds
Time: Depends how long you want to stay
Professor: Everyone you meet along the way
Objective: To make sure all emotions are accounted for before you decide to leave.
Disclaimer: Not all modules are guaranteed to be taught, learned or understood by the conclusion of the subject. It all depends on you.
Module 1:
Everything ends with their right side up. Lots of things happen that rock your world, sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. The good thing about life is that it’s closer to a dice than to a boat. When a boat gets rocked by the waves and winds sometimes it ends up cap sized. You get trapped inside then probably drown. A dice when rolled may not always give you the high number or the low number you need. But essentially, it gives you a number to work with. I guess that means it’s not a trap. And I guess that means the universe—or multiverse always has a way of straightening things out.
Module 2:
Friends always come through somehow. I have great respect for the people who can call themselves Friends. I happen to end up with what I would call the Licensed Friends, Elite group. They are all skillfully trained in the art of Friendship combat. If you must know, Licensed Friends have every right to call themselves Friends. They have gone through a rigorous training of banter, story-telling, listening to your stories, singing, dancing, arguing, reminding you of what needs to be noted, forgetting your mishaps, helping you forget. They also have Extra Loud laughter for laugh-atons and Reinforced shoulders for crying sessions.
Module 3:
Sometimes you have to tunnel your way through. The multiverse is not a series of doors that open when you knock. There are those that you need to barge your way into. And then there are those that just won’t budge. In which case, tunnel your way through. They say it’s the journey and not the destination that matters. In the end you can say “It wasn’t a smooth ride, there were lots of bumpy paths and sticky mishaps but it was definitely a better ride”
Module 4:
Trusting people is not easy, but sometimes you just have try. You know that feeling when you think there’s one more step when you’re climbing stairs then you realize there’s none. Remember that weird feeling in the tummy? That’s how scary trusting people are, only a hundred times weirder. There could be 10 people you will trust, odds are 9 will let you down. But when you get to that 1 person worth trusting, the other 9 are all worth trying.
Module 5:
Compromise. You never get everything in this life delivered in a bubble wrap. Sometimes you get things all broken, sometimes with missing pieces. Sometimes you can try piecing them back together. Sometimes you can try and find the missing pieces. And sometimes you just have to let it go. Not everything comes in neat perfect packages but they always come with instructions. That instruction always says the same thing: “It’s up to you to make it perfect.”
Module 6:
Some lessons are better learned first hand. Vicarious pleasure, vicarious living is fun. But Life can become an addiction and when venturing into battle second hand lessons are not always the best set of armament. Sometimes scars are the best reminders of lessons learned. Sometimes they even hurt just enough to keep you from making the same mistake.
Module 7:
Be true to yourself no matter how cliché it may sound. It’s so much easier to get lost in a crowd knowing who you are than being in a room all alone without knowing what’s inside
Module 8:
I shall quote Dumbledore on this, “It is our choices that show who we truly are far more than our abilities.” Talent is something you are born with (although sometimes I wonder if that is true). But then talent is not going to make things happen. Even a vessel overflowing with fuel is not going to move unless someone turns the ignition. You have to make the choice even if the choice seems unlikely. And when the choice is made, you have to make it the right choice.
Module 9:
Lessons never stop coming until you stop learning, the same way that air is always present until you decide to stop breathing it in. You have to make the choice to accept. You cannot always be sure of the outcome of things, you just have to try. Sometimes things fall into pieces, at times smaller and at times bigger. Open your eyes and pick the lesson, they often are labeled Lesson Learned, we are just too scared to see.
Module 10:
Review all past modules and get ready for a practical exam.
Exam Instructions: Lifelong exam consists of an infinite number of questions. Answer honestly. No need to cheat because you will never find the answer sheet. All points are awarded for effort. Have fun because this is the only exam that will matter.
It feels so good to start breathing, smiling, living again.
I constantly find myself reverting back to my old self, anticipating loss. Well, I do the inversion to put more blood to my brain. It actually works. I'm in that place now where your head is clear enough to look back and start picking up the lessons learned. Or at least the lessons you refused to learn.
I still find myself going back to my old ways, I need to start putting post its everywhere to remind me what to do.I'm just glad I remember to stop doing the things that make someone I do not want to be.
I have 1 lesson reinforced this week: Self pity, low self esteem, it's unattractive. It doesn't hurt to have insecurities here and there, I guess it is normal. But when you're from the outside looking in, you just see how it can negatively affect something that is good to begin with. Looks like "fake it till you make it" is not such a bad mantra, in the meantime.
That guy up there, his timing is impeccable, you just have to let go and trust him.
I love seeing myself smile again.
Are you happy today? I know I am.
The head is naturally above your heart for good reason. Just like in yoga, sometimes you need to do an inversion, to get more blood to your head and help you think clearer.
I always used my head, and somehow always got left behind. I always ended up using my heart way too late.
I'm using my heart now. I'm not sure where it is leading me. But somehow, waking up everyday not having to argue with myself is quite refreshing. Getting that smile on my face is no longer a task.
I'm gonna be happy while you're around or while I'm around you. I'm not gonna get ahead of myself and anticipate losing you. I'm just going to be happy.
When the time comes one of us has to leave, it will not feel like something is ending. It will just mean it's time to open another chapter. A happy chapter.
Kung di ka importante d ako magsasayang ng panahon sayo. Iilan lang kayo na may pakialam ko. Di naman mahirap initindihin diba?
Wala akong pakialam kung anong career ang gusto nyo i-pursue kasi choice mo yun. Sana lang di mo ginagawa yun ng nakapikit. Masakit ka sa ulo. Ma mimiss kita. Wala ng manggugulo sakin. Sana alam mo yung ginagawa mo para alam mo kung pano gawing tama,
At wag ka sinungaling nakakainis yun. Walang masama kung sabihin mo na di mo alam. Pero kung alam mo naman talaga hassle ka.
Ewan
I wish I can come up with an entry that can start the year right. I can't. I just realized that everytime I hear the song Nothing's gonna stop us now I feel like there is something wrong with my insides.
Strangely enough, my efforts to make things last, made things worse. I just lost my grip on the last few strands of a friendship I hoped to save. I guess I didn't try hard enough. I guess I failed as a friend.
I'm never gonna be able to tell you.And I messed up the chance I had to show you. You never asked for it, and you never seemed to care for it. It would be utter stupidity to tell you now given the situation. It's like giving away something you never thought you can share with anyone and asking them to break it.
I never told you how I feel because I was afraid of it. And because I wasn't asking for anything in return. I was happy the way things were. And besides, I can't be the perfect girl you were looking for. I was afraid if I told you, you might mistake it for me waiting for reciprocation. So I held back. I have to struggle everyday to keep myself in check. To not give myself away. I was constantly fighting the fear of losing you if I loved you too much.
It hurts. Too much. I'm not even sure why. Seeing you find the girl I always knew you were bound to find. I guess it hurts more because I am not even part of that picture the way I hoped I can be. A friend. That's the least I can be, right? I guess not. I hear stories about you from other people. They are the ones who know you more than I do now. It was partly my fault, I know. I was not the perfect friend when I had the chance to be. I was always holding back. I was not able to make you feel that you made me happy.
I have friends. I have friends who are patient enough to stand by me. I have friends who make me happy. I just wish you were still one of them. One of the few people who really make me happy.
I hate regret because it is useless. It is just a waste of time. I would rather try and make up for the mistakes I made. But I don't know how. I miss you like hell. But I guess you have her now to listen to your stories. And in terms of being a friend, I guess she has so much more to give than I can. And this is what you've been dreaming of, to have a family. I heard that's also her dream. I hope she makes you happy.I hope you make each other happy.
Sometimes I wish I can be more like you. I've always felt like you were someone who could love. And show it. I can't. I have to learn how to do that. That's on my list.
This is the best I can do now. To tell you I love you here where you might not even find it. This is the most my courage will take me. I hope you're happy. Always.
So tell me, if I avoid the things that hurt me, does that make me smart? Smart enough to not hurt myself?
Or does that make me weak? So weak I can't face the things that hurt me.
