This is as close as I can get to loving you

I'm never gonna be able to tell you.And I messed up the chance I had to show you. You never asked for it, and you never seemed to care for it. It would be utter stupidity to tell you now given the situation. It's like giving away something you never thought you can share with anyone and asking them to break it.

I never told you how I feel because I was afraid of it. And because I wasn't asking for anything in return. I was happy the way things were. And besides, I can't be the perfect girl you were looking for. I was afraid if I told you, you might mistake it for me waiting for reciprocation. So I held back. I have to struggle everyday to keep myself in check. To not give myself away. I was constantly fighting the fear of losing you if I loved you too much.

It hurts. Too much. I'm not even sure why. Seeing you find the girl I always knew you were bound to find. I guess it hurts more because I am not even part of that picture the way I hoped I can be. A friend. That's the least I can be, right? I guess not. I hear stories about you from other people. They are the ones who know you more than I do now. It was partly my fault, I know. I was not the perfect friend when I had the chance to be. I was always holding back. I was not able to make you feel that you made me happy.

I have friends. I have friends who are patient enough to stand by me. I have friends who make me happy. I just wish you were still one of them. One of the few people who really make me happy.

I hate regret because it is useless. It is just a waste of time. I would rather try and make up for the mistakes I made. But I don't know how. I miss you like hell. But I guess you have her now to listen to your stories. And in terms of being a friend, I guess she has so much more to give than I can. And this is what you've been dreaming of, to have a family. I heard that's also her dream. I hope she makes you happy.I hope you make each other happy.

Sometimes I wish I can be more like you. I've always felt like you were someone who could love. And show it. I can't. I have to learn how to do that. That's on my list.
This is the best I can do now. To tell you I love you here where you might not even find it. This is the most my courage will take me. I hope you're happy. Always.