old ideas part three

I’m overdoing it. It’s difficult to let go of something you thought you’ve wanted forever and find that it is not for you. I could have made it work. I could. I know. Eventually the load will lighten up, the pressure will be relieved and I’ll start to enjoy again. But I’m too much of an idealist (translated to stubborn) right now.

I screwed up a great opportunity that will never come by again because I’m too scared to pass by that road again. Maybe I’m just lazy. Romanticizing stuff.

I love that I’m feeling conflict right now, I haven’t resorted to apathy yet.

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Posted last june 29

nabuhay nanaman ang pangarap kong magsulat. nakailangan ko munang ipagpaliban dahil di pa ko tapos gumawa ng plate sa design subject sa arki...hindi journalism, creative writing o kung anong mang may kinalaman sa pagsulat.

isasantabi ko muna ang paborito kong pagsusulat, para mag drawing.
Isasantabi. Di ko nagawa yan.

Pinilit ko pagsabayin. Last month desidido ko na alam ko ang ginagawa ko. Ngayon, napapaisip ako kung bakit ko nga ba ginawa yon.

Akala ko dati, emotionally stable ako. Wait lang, di pala. Medyo lang. bakit ngayon, naguguluhan nanaman ako. Ang hirap pa nito, di ko na dapt iniisip to.

Itutulog ko muna to, baka bukas wala na.

old ideas part two

I finally did it. Signed the worst letter I think I will ever make (fingers crossed). Again, it all sounds so official. It scares me.

This is harder than deciding whether I should pass that résumé because it sucks. This is harder that actually deciding whether I should write it or not. Yesterday I just found out something that is harder; walking inside a room, submitting a letter that need not be edited, will be taken as it s and ending the two-month-assurance that there is something between my ears.

Who gets teary eyed over a business letter?

I mulled this over and over and still even though your sure with no second thoughts, it’s sad.

Sorry for disappointing people. I’m not sure if apologized in the letter.

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new turns old turns rotten. so i need to let this out. and the birth of old ideas series.
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Cuppiness and Coffiness: Happiness in a cup of coffee

Translation: cup=gazillion gallons

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Green tea frap like coffee is also inspiring then again maybe not.

I was staring at my green tea frap 3 hrs ago and it thought “ I should be a lazy creative whatever” I mean, I romanticize everything. I wait for the muses before getting to work which means I never get any work done which also means I am lazy. I work best without a schedule or rather a very flexible one. Pushing deadlines not beating them. I’ll end up in the dumps. That’s reassuring

Notice the abundance of I’s. Man I’m self centered.

tamadness

forgive the title. can't think of anything else. hence, tamadness.

tamadness again, dahil nakakatamad mag edit ng html. dahil trial and error. so ngaun nasa baba ang remainder of the blog. (must be a sign, di na dapat magsayang ng oras sa mga kung ano anung tests.)

nakakadira ang language, masyadong kolokyal. haaay

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sino mabait na may CLockwork Orange. movie or book.

and lolita. stanley kubrick din. movie na lang. love the book. basta.

just in

here's a sweet truth:

someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

haaaaaaaaaaay

old stuff part 1

The drafting table of a supposed writer

My table is looking weird now. There are superimposed 15 by 20 clear prints in the center all waiting to be inked or started. Taped on the upper right side or sometimes on the left are 3 pages of short bond paper, printed on them is the proof that a few people actually believe I can write. Beside my table is the computer. Dusty. At night until the wee hours of the morning I find myself shuffling between the table and computer. Sometimes or most of the time I end up in between, which is the bed. And tomorrow I wake up with nothing to submit, stressed and in big trouble.

The table I use for drafting. The computer I use for writing. Before, I never put my ramblings directly on screen, I let them run around the paper first to develop, then they end up edited in MS Word. Nowadays, I can not afford them running around. Either there is no room to run around or there are no ideas to run around. It gets annoying.

The computer and the table are now basically the same. I never want to use them when I need to. I am in really big trouble now; the Indecisiveness Syndrome is firing up. I hate second thoughts. That’s why I taped the 3-page proof of my brain beside all the things I have to do. Hoping that it will anchor my floating head, I need it. It scares me. It’s so official.

My table is looking weird, still. It’s also dirty.