Quick and painless. Painful.

Sometimes i am afraid to sleep. Afraid of nightmares, of not waking up, afraid that when i wake up love is lost. Now i am afraid of tomorrow. I am afraid of seeing your face. This time i know there is no pretending. I know that is good, to hear the truth. But it's scary. I guess you do get used to lies.

Everyone has thr need to know they're important, and not just convenient. It's not about being needy, clingy, and insecure. It's about being valued. It will not set you back a lifetime, it will not cost you your career. There's no need to stop everything while you figure out someone's worth. In fact there's no need to think about it, you just know.

At some point you have to accept the fact that truths are not the norm.

Timer starts

Unfortunately, I feel like I am always on borrowed time. 

I want to be a good friend. Tell me how. 

Help

Lord, I give up. 

Rambling about lies, truths and priority lists

When we drift away from someone, they are always part of the reason we decide to stay away. It is stupid to stay that it has nothing to do with them. The relationship (whatever it is) involves them. How then can its slow disappearance have nothing to do with them?  Maybe it is a small percentage, maybe we think it is something that cannot be changed, maybe maybe maybe. 

Maybe you decide to focus on other things, to prioritize. And this new list does not include them. Was that list random? No. You decided based on the merits of your relationship with the people around you. So their non inclusion involved what you think of them, their value to you. Maybe that value is subjective. Maybe it does not equate to their real value as a person. Maybe their value is based on an equation with variables only known to you. Still it involves them. 

Most people will not worry about your priority list. I find that only in romantic situations do people start to ask whether you prioritize them. I, on the other hand, do not need romantic associations to wonder if i am indeed a part of someone's life. I generally don't ask. I never feel i am worthy of being anyone's priority. It has nothing to do with confidence, it just never felt right to assume. But sometimes, i guess, i dont know, you will know whose attention you need. At some point you will accept that maybe you deserve the attention they give. And that's when they decide they no longer need you. Which leads you into asking 'why?' And that's pretty much where you're gonna be stuck in. Because sometimes we misjudge people. We trust them too much, too soon thinking they will feel the need to take care of that trust. But i guess, when you give in too easily, they think it is worth nothing. The thing with trust is that it happens subconsiously the first time. You learn. but once that trust is broken, it becomes a conscious effort. They can convince you, you can be convinced. Can. The question is do you want to. Sometimes it is not a worthy investment. Sometimes you're afraid that if you dont try, you will regret it. So you try. And in trying, you have to constantly sort through the lies and the half truths. You become tired. Then maybe you give in. In a way, some lies do not directly affect you. Or eventually you will realize, no one needs your trust. 

In this day and age, communication is only hindered by the lack of want. 

Who to wake?

“Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night’s sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too

Swallow the blue pillow already

I miss you. I guess my brain still refuses to take off its rose colored glasses. Who would've known that a year later the bubble of happiness i was in would burst? Maybe you, you burst the bubble. I should have known. I should have not been so gullible. No use crying over an exploded milk carton though. 

I should stop missing you. I mean, how do you miss someone who is not real?

Sleep on it

Let me sleep a dreamless sleep. Let me sleep until all hope is extinguished. Let me sleep until i'm numb. Until i forget what used to keep me awake. 

...

In the end we're all alone

Demotion

People you work with..

DONT ask how you're doing

What you've been up to

How your weekend is going

Send random texts because it is raining

Whine to you about the weather or traffic situation or life

DONT check if you've had lunch

If you enjoyed your lunch

If you want to go out for lunch

Or dinner

Or check if you've been eating on time

DONT ask you to hang out with them

because they're going through some things

Need company, need a little help

Need your presence to enjoy while going through some rough times in their life

DONT give you gifts to show you they appreciate you

Or  just because they know you want it

Or need it 

Or they just enjoy seeing you happy

Or just because they saw something that reminded them of you

DONT need to know it's your dad or your mom or your brother's birthday 

If you celebrated, how you celebrated. 

DONT need to know if you're home safe  

If they ask, you don't need to reply. 

They should not expect a reply. 

DONT need to be part of your life

Or you part of theirs

If they ask, you are not obligated 

You just need to work with them

Conversations- within office hours

Everything - for convenience

All - within the bounds of work

It makes sense now. 

You don't need to be friends with them. Should not?

It makes sense. When people put their walls up, respect the wall. Because if they want to, they will open the door to let you in. 

Some nights i forget

Random texts. Good mornings. UP. Fic. Rodic's. binatog. Racks. Coffee bean.  Krispy kreme. Prometheus. Spiderman. Paris talk . New york. Especially new york. Peanut butter and hazelnut empanada. Hello panda. Overtimes and sourcing. Park square 1. Cute pets. Hamsters. Gadget window shopping. Palladium. Tsoko loco. Malunggay pesto. Yellow cab. Starbucks. Super bowl. Brothers. Taken. Dredd. Sbarro.  Mexicali. Everyday pop quiz. A lesson a day. SD gundam. Earphones. The hobbit. Shang. Hobbes. That place that sells nachos and cheese poppers? Great toys? Octagon. That petshop. 

It's an endless list. Because no matter how pedestrian some things are, it's fun. With you. That's always the case with friends, right?You know what the best part is? Everyday i spend with you i learn something new. About you. About myself. Positive things. Negative ones. Things to improve on. You may not notice but i want to be better. For myself, for you, for my friends. Sometimes i forget that everyday i have the chance to be better. Sometimes i get trapped in my own little world. Why do you think i gravitate towards you? Because things are clearer when i'm around you. You probably disagree because i whine, i complain, i talk stupid. But after all the crazy talk, after the occasional waterworks, i feel better. My thoughts a little less muddy. I know you're busy. You don't need to be bothered by my ramblings. 

Be a little more patient with me. I'm trying to get my shit together. Don't quit being a friend. 

Rainy days make it hard to be a non-believer

I don't believe in destiny. I like to think hardwork pays off. Maybe it does. Maybe i am just a control freak. 

Destiny offers a certain level of comfort that you sometimes seek when you're down. It's particularly useful in matters of relationships. In finding a partner in life. In finding someone. We can always turn to destiny when a recent interesting acquaintance becomes bland, when something good turns sour. It wasn't meant to be, we say. It was meant to be that way.  We kid ourselves. 

It would be nice to be able to tell  yourself on rainy days that destiny is working on your 'Love story'. That somewhere somehow pieces of an elaborate puzzle are falling into place. That you can sit back and enjoy a warm cup of hot chocolate while the tides of fate bring you closer to your soulmate. Not believing in destiny makes that impossible. 

I am not bitter. I can accept what is and isnt so. I can manage life alone. I have good friends. I know their value. I am happy with them. I know how lucky i am.  The blessings are pouring, when i open my eyes. But wouldn't it be great to find someone who complements you. Who challenges you and supports you. Who loves you. Love. I wonder what it's like when someone who's not family or a friend loves you. Is it any different? 

Wouldn't it be great to find someone who's complete without you but would rather complicate their lives with your presence because, well, love. Is it real? 

I dont have destiny's comforting whispers when i ask myself these. I'm alone in my head. No one to assure me someone will come along. Sure, that's what people will tell us. We want to believe. I want to believe. But we know there's possibility that's never gonna happen. 

It's hard when you don't believe in destiny and you feel some sort connection with someone. Albeit a fake connection. You know that if you don't give it a shot no wheels of fate are turning to bring you back together. That sort of thing only happens in movies. 

There's freedom in choices. You're free to decide and also free to mess up. 

9:03 PM Map

I have enough courage for a blog post

Let me just put this out there. I do not pine or hope or wish for anything more than friendship. I may have gotten too smitten at times, but i never misinterpreted the supposed friendship you are giving as something romantic. It is what it is. Just friendship. That has been set since day 1. What i feel is not relevant. If you're putting distance because you think i am pining, spare me. I know my place. 

I am only disoriented by the sudden shift  from 'i think we could be friends' to 'let's just be officemates'. It was never because i hoped for more than what i am entitled to. If it was because i asked, keep on asking for attention, I am sorry. i was only missing what i thought was the norm.  In my defense, you did give me attention. You listened and you allowed me to get to know you. (Or at least that's what i thought). I did think for a time that it was too much, but it was you who said that's normal for you. You have this whole speech about not spreading yourself too thin so you can give more of yourself to the people who matter. (In fairness to you, you did stress 'people who matter) I was a little too gullible to allow myself to get used to the setup. Sorry. 

If you feel you gave too much and now you're pulling back, you should have said something. For normal people that does not require explanation. But for me it does. Yes, that is how socially inept i am. I made that very clear. Didn't i? 

If you think you need to setup boundaries because  i'm crossing the line, then just say so. That's  why i asked, i also want things clearly demarcated. If i crossed the line, i'm sorry. 

I am generally not clingy and demanding. But when you give me a certain level of attention (i was under the  impression that was your version of friendship) and you take it all away, i am bound to ask what's up? It is not the absence of lunch outs, dinners, movies, window shopping per se. You have oh so effectively pulled the welcome mat from under me and shut me out. A simple 'how are you?' doesnt seem to merit an answer. 

I know there is no point in writing this because apparently you don't like talking about things. (And you are not reading this, which is a plus methinks) It's a wonder how you survived me for the past several months. I like to talk. 

Oh, i just remembered you said you also liked to talk. Is that true? I kinda wonder if the you i met is the real deal. Yes, i actually doubt the realness of the good times. Whether those were happy times with you or just a pretend version of you,  they were still fun times. I hope you weren't fake enjoying my company. I think it's safe to say i provide decent company. 

So really, what i'm trying to say is if you arr busy and preoccupied (and can only focus on so many things at the same time) i understand. But don't make me feel as though i constantly have to consult a checklist of things i can and cannot do or say to you. I think you're company is good enough to want to keep around (again, not for romantic reasons). I care enough to want you around. If you do not feel the same, then by all means just be clear enough in cutting me off. I won't have a grand time dealing with that, but i know that happens. Please be kind enough to show me the way out. Don't just shut the door. 

Aaaand we are done overthinking! 

I love this movie

70% movie, 30% you

Ok, maybe 50% movie, 50% you

Were you happy too?