All my life spent on waiting

When I realized I like you, that you make me happy, I wondered what it would be like to hear you say you feel the same way. That in my own little way, I can make you smile. That I make you happy. But I never allowed myself to imagine further. Right then, I accepted that I'm never going to hear that. Maybe because you don't feel the same way, or it's never gonna work. For all sorts of reasons my clouded logic can come up, I denied myself a happy thought. It's quite sad for someone like me who is only ever really free inside my imagination to have to suppress a would-be happy daydream. Maybe because I acknowledge the fact that once I allow myself to fall, drowning is my only 'ending'.

I like learning new things, maybe I am not as adventurous as other people. Maybe I live my life vicariously through the people who can handle things better than me. I am annoyed though that I can't explore this tiny feeling Ihave for you. I can't know, will never know where it will take me. I even have to suppress may imagination to prevent myself from falling too deep. It's stupid.

I am overdramatic, too emotional. Maybe I do get ahead of myself. Maybe I ruin an otherwise normal story by overcompensating for a loss that is yet to happen (probably never gonna happen). Maybe my weird notion that people have expiration dates is idiotic. Yes. It is idiotic. I didn't realize how it maims possibly good relationships. All I know is it was supposed to protect me from getting too attached and getting hurt. Well, boohoo, I have a boo boo. And no band-aid can take care of that.

For a time, I thought I have become this clingy person who just wants to be with you always. I didn't get to see you for a week and my bleak excuse for a heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I thought, fuck, what has become of me. This is not me. I think back to a time when I am away from you, did I miss you like this? No, I did not. I wanted you to be there,yes. I figured you'll enjoy the waterfalls, the little fishes, the boat ride, the sandbar. But it did not feel like a thousand tiny fingers were pinching just below my throat. And then I realized why it hurt, when I wasn't even supposed to mind. It is not just the distance, or duration of absence that makes you miss people. In my case, it is knowing that checking on you would be imprudent. That technology has blesssed us with all sorts of ways to communicate, but I can't reach you. I want to ask if you're enjoying your vacation, but I can't. I am not the one you're with. Half of me knows it would be weird if I ask, and the other half is scared that I'm not gonna get a reply. We both know that's what is going to happen.

At times, I feel like I met a lie. That all the good things I enjoyed with you are made up to suit my liking. That maybe the things you said, were said so I will continue to spend time with you. It is not paranoia. I guess sometimes that thought makes me feel better. The thought soothes me ' I am not missing out by not being with him. It's a lie. He's a lie'.

Everyday, when I wake up I pray for a good day. I don't know what that means anymore. But whatever I get, I assume makes my day good. Even though half the time it saddens me. Everyday, I fight a battle to stay afloat. I look sad and tired most of the time, lately. I don't care about pretending everything is fine and dandy. It is not. Why do I have to pretend for them? I expend enough energy distracting myself from my silly thoughts.


It bothers me that I know what I want, and by no means will I get it. That no amount of working hard or working smart will get me what I want. That I can only hope for the best, but who determines what's best? This setup may be the best and I won't even know it. See, maybe that's why I don't get relationships. No matter how much effort you put into it, you will always be just 50% of the outcome. No matter how much you hope to be with someone, it's still up the other person to decide.

On the upside, meeting you is quite a lesson. I realized some of the things I am looking for do exist. I learned a few things I didn't even know I wanted. I guess if you exist, I 'll meet another one. Someone else I can like without being judged, without being suppressed. Someone else I can have feelings for that I can explore. Someone who's available. Someone else I can spend time with.

If you're reading this (and most likely you're not), I sincerely hope you are happy and content. If you're not, well, I'm still here. Give me a chance to make you happy

Know where you stand

You're the only complication I welcome. But uhm, I guess that's out of the question.

We lie.

We say we don't hope. But we do. Hoping tears us. Hopelessness kills us.

Kill me now for posting the words of a song. Of this song

Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying

...
You're wonderful
And it's beautiful

...
But you're already somebody's baby

-Elliot Smith, Twilight

One night i typed away without care for grammar and spell check.

I want to find someone to travel with me. Cambodia, korea, paris, spain and more. I want to hear interesting factoids about the places we will go to. I want an adventure. I want an adventure buddy.

I want someone who will tell me i'd look good in jeans, boots and a turtleneck while we walk around paris. Someone who will teach me to appreciate all there is to find in the louvre. We will have coffee and pastries until we're stuffed. We will sit in front of the river drinking wineand cheese from the farmer's market. We will find cheese with holes.

We will go to beautiful subterranean caves. We will eat serrano ham. We will walk underneath cherry blossoms. We will take photos ofall the beautiful buildings we will find. We might not show up in the photos. We will visit mecca, see the Kaaba. We will watch a U2 concert, and Sting too. We will go where they shot the lord of therings and harry potter. We will go ot weird Japan. We will watch night racing. We will visit all the Disneylands. We will act like kids. We will be child -like.

If we cannot afford to travel, yet, maybe we can hang out in a coffee shop instead. We will mark all the places we will go to and save up for them. We will find affordable vacations while we save for the big ones. We will not give up on our dreams.

I want to find someone who's passionate. Passionate about me, passionste about life. We will not live a mediocre life. He will be smart and he will teach me everything he knows. I will learn from him and maybe be a little smarter than i am now. We may or may not want to do everything i wrote here. But whatever we do, we do together. We will grow together.

Where are you? I hope you're hoping for me too.

Intermediate rafting

Things already ran their course, terms have ended and walls are up. Drawbridge pulled up, moat dangerously deep and infested.

Eh, there's truth in the statement though. Let's drown, shall we?

Stupidity is hard

I believe in a supreme being. I'm not religious but i believe in a supreme being.

I dont believe in fate or destiny. But i believe in a supreme being. When i stumble upon little trinkets of wisdom i say they were purposely put there for me to find. Or maybe not. I have a recurring case of forgetting what i believe in.

I am one of the many who brave the dreadful mass transportation everyday. I got a seat today. No trouble. And i think it is the universe's way of saying 'Maybe the best way home is the straightforward one. One that requires no roundtrip, no extra effort, no extra fare '.

I found an article today. It teaches you how to love yourself. Unconditionally. Flaws and all. It teaches you to sometimes listen to that treacherous voice that tells you how ugly, boring and stupid you are. And how to remind it you're worthy of love despite all that.

There are other ways to interpret that. (or maybe i should just stop interpreting things) It is so easy to be cynical. My interpretation only works on the premise that i am optimistic.

I could not recall the purpose of this entry. Maybe just to ramble. Maybe to get some thoughts out of my extremely polluted mind. Maybe just to test if I am still capable of processing information. Lately, i have an aversion to logic. It is working to my disadvantage.

Argue away!

Fermenting ideas is fun. Sounding stupid in front of someone who's actually smart is better than sounding 'intellectual' in front of people who don't really understand.

Let's be happy everyday. Everyday

Strings are fun. Short, long. Stringing you along. Some amuse you for a while. Some help you pass the time.

You know what else is fun? Scissors. They cut strings.

Doesn't matter if they are long or short. But strings end when you snip snip.

I have a feeling 2013 will be legendary. Here's to great new beginnings!

Ebb away

Let us allow things to run their course. Some things have no value if they don't come easy.

F1 pace of life

June: are you happy?
Yes. Dont know why. But yes. I never question anything that puts a smile on my face

December: are you happy?
Ask me again in a couple of months. I hate to acknowledge the fact that being happy is a conscious and hard effort and it's increasingly difficult too.

Erase, change, move

Why do we keep looking at things that grab our throats and slowly try to choke us? Because we like the torture? Because we enjoy the drama?

No.

Because we hope that it will stop hurting. Maybe we will be desensitized. Just like all things, it will end. We hope that will happen today. Now.

We hope. We hope not to lose hope.

Sometimes chocolate is not enough

The only good thing about the commute to work is the 15-20 steps in front of Ricoa. A whiff of Chocolate heaven.

It's possible, that's the only good thing about work.

Like putting together a puzzle of ramblings from the Net

The appeal of everyone as a human being increases when you know your time with them is fleeting.

Some things are better left short and unadulterated; it is what it is and what it was is perfect.

Sure.

*too much thoughtcatalog can make you overthink. -Evelyn Cheung. 6 lessons you learn from excessive travelling.

Sometimes the truth sucks

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think.