All my life spent on waiting

When I realized I like you, that you make me happy, I wondered what it would be like to hear you say you feel the same way. That in my own little way, I can make you smile. That I make you happy. But I never allowed myself to imagine further. Right then, I accepted that I'm never going to hear that. Maybe because you don't feel the same way, or it's never gonna work. For all sorts of reasons my clouded logic can come up, I denied myself a happy thought. It's quite sad for someone like me who is only ever really free inside my imagination to have to suppress a would-be happy daydream. Maybe because I acknowledge the fact that once I allow myself to fall, drowning is my only 'ending'.

I like learning new things, maybe I am not as adventurous as other people. Maybe I live my life vicariously through the people who can handle things better than me. I am annoyed though that I can't explore this tiny feeling Ihave for you. I can't know, will never know where it will take me. I even have to suppress may imagination to prevent myself from falling too deep. It's stupid.

I am overdramatic, too emotional. Maybe I do get ahead of myself. Maybe I ruin an otherwise normal story by overcompensating for a loss that is yet to happen (probably never gonna happen). Maybe my weird notion that people have expiration dates is idiotic. Yes. It is idiotic. I didn't realize how it maims possibly good relationships. All I know is it was supposed to protect me from getting too attached and getting hurt. Well, boohoo, I have a boo boo. And no band-aid can take care of that.

For a time, I thought I have become this clingy person who just wants to be with you always. I didn't get to see you for a week and my bleak excuse for a heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I thought, fuck, what has become of me. This is not me. I think back to a time when I am away from you, did I miss you like this? No, I did not. I wanted you to be there,yes. I figured you'll enjoy the waterfalls, the little fishes, the boat ride, the sandbar. But it did not feel like a thousand tiny fingers were pinching just below my throat. And then I realized why it hurt, when I wasn't even supposed to mind. It is not just the distance, or duration of absence that makes you miss people. In my case, it is knowing that checking on you would be imprudent. That technology has blesssed us with all sorts of ways to communicate, but I can't reach you. I want to ask if you're enjoying your vacation, but I can't. I am not the one you're with. Half of me knows it would be weird if I ask, and the other half is scared that I'm not gonna get a reply. We both know that's what is going to happen.

At times, I feel like I met a lie. That all the good things I enjoyed with you are made up to suit my liking. That maybe the things you said, were said so I will continue to spend time with you. It is not paranoia. I guess sometimes that thought makes me feel better. The thought soothes me ' I am not missing out by not being with him. It's a lie. He's a lie'.

Everyday, when I wake up I pray for a good day. I don't know what that means anymore. But whatever I get, I assume makes my day good. Even though half the time it saddens me. Everyday, I fight a battle to stay afloat. I look sad and tired most of the time, lately. I don't care about pretending everything is fine and dandy. It is not. Why do I have to pretend for them? I expend enough energy distracting myself from my silly thoughts.


It bothers me that I know what I want, and by no means will I get it. That no amount of working hard or working smart will get me what I want. That I can only hope for the best, but who determines what's best? This setup may be the best and I won't even know it. See, maybe that's why I don't get relationships. No matter how much effort you put into it, you will always be just 50% of the outcome. No matter how much you hope to be with someone, it's still up the other person to decide.

On the upside, meeting you is quite a lesson. I realized some of the things I am looking for do exist. I learned a few things I didn't even know I wanted. I guess if you exist, I 'll meet another one. Someone else I can like without being judged, without being suppressed. Someone else I can have feelings for that I can explore. Someone who's available. Someone else I can spend time with.

If you're reading this (and most likely you're not), I sincerely hope you are happy and content. If you're not, well, I'm still here. Give me a chance to make you happy