Who was I when you were standing there in your spot? I forget..

Kung di ka importante d ako magsasayang ng panahon sayo. Iilan lang kayo na may pakialam ko. Di naman mahirap initindihin diba?

Wala akong pakialam kung anong career ang gusto nyo i-pursue kasi choice mo yun. Sana lang di mo ginagawa yun ng nakapikit. Masakit ka sa ulo. Ma mimiss kita. Wala ng manggugulo sakin. Sana alam mo yung ginagawa mo para alam mo kung pano gawing tama,

At wag ka sinungaling nakakainis yun. Walang masama kung sabihin mo na di mo alam. Pero kung alam mo naman talaga hassle ka.

Ewan

This should not be my New Year's Post

I wish I can come up with an entry that can start the year right. I can't. I just realized that everytime I hear the song Nothing's gonna stop us now I feel like there is something wrong with my insides.

As always

Strangely enough, my efforts to make things last, made things worse. I just lost my grip on the last few strands of a friendship I hoped to save. I guess I didn't try hard enough. I guess I failed as a friend.

What to do?

This would be so much easier if i hate you, but I don't.

This is as close as I can get to loving you

I'm never gonna be able to tell you.And I messed up the chance I had to show you. You never asked for it, and you never seemed to care for it. It would be utter stupidity to tell you now given the situation. It's like giving away something you never thought you can share with anyone and asking them to break it.

I never told you how I feel because I was afraid of it. And because I wasn't asking for anything in return. I was happy the way things were. And besides, I can't be the perfect girl you were looking for. I was afraid if I told you, you might mistake it for me waiting for reciprocation. So I held back. I have to struggle everyday to keep myself in check. To not give myself away. I was constantly fighting the fear of losing you if I loved you too much.

It hurts. Too much. I'm not even sure why. Seeing you find the girl I always knew you were bound to find. I guess it hurts more because I am not even part of that picture the way I hoped I can be. A friend. That's the least I can be, right? I guess not. I hear stories about you from other people. They are the ones who know you more than I do now. It was partly my fault, I know. I was not the perfect friend when I had the chance to be. I was always holding back. I was not able to make you feel that you made me happy.

I have friends. I have friends who are patient enough to stand by me. I have friends who make me happy. I just wish you were still one of them. One of the few people who really make me happy.

I hate regret because it is useless. It is just a waste of time. I would rather try and make up for the mistakes I made. But I don't know how. I miss you like hell. But I guess you have her now to listen to your stories. And in terms of being a friend, I guess she has so much more to give than I can. And this is what you've been dreaming of, to have a family. I heard that's also her dream. I hope she makes you happy.I hope you make each other happy.

Sometimes I wish I can be more like you. I've always felt like you were someone who could love. And show it. I can't. I have to learn how to do that. That's on my list.
This is the best I can do now. To tell you I love you here where you might not even find it. This is the most my courage will take me. I hope you're happy. Always.

...

So tell me, if I avoid the things that hurt me, does that make me smart? Smart enough to not hurt myself?

Or does that make me weak? So weak I can't face the things that hurt me.

Methinks

I thought I was moving forward. Maybe not,

I lost track of why I do the things I do. And now I wonder if I'm defeating my own purpose.

Maybe I should just do it. Get it over with. Maybe then I'll start moving again. I should really just stop analyzing things. What's to lose anyway...

Things couldn't get worse right?

'I love you' is a statement not a question. There's no answer to a statement only comments.

Lord sana walang nagaganap na lokohan. Ayoko na niloloko ako at mas lalo na ayokong niloloko ang mga taong mahal ko.

...

I know happiness is a choice. I've heard other people say it, i've heard myself say it to others. I think it is a choice just like everything else is.

But what do you do when it's so much easier to fall into that pit of sadness? Or that everytime you try to be okay, you just slip on your own tears?

Ansakit sakit na.

Condescending much?

I don't like thinking ill of others. I always try to believe and at times, force myself to believe they have good intentions. I try. That does not mean I'm always successful.

I don't like being forced into a decision. I don't like words being put in my mouth. I don't like being put on the spot.

I am afraid it is time to detach. I hate the idea that I might lose, I might end up giving up what I was fighting for just because I do not like the person beside you. I'm tired.

Hey, Neil!

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

...

I am in a very weird place. It's like quicksand. Don't move and you sink. Make a move towards something and you sink quicker. See, it doesn't really matter. You're gonna drown anyway. It's just a matter of time.

I will be laughing at all this in a couple of months. Or before the year ends, tops. That's a commitment to myself. But until then, laughter and smiles will be a luxury.