...

I am in a very weird place. It's like quicksand. Don't move and you sink. Make a move towards something and you sink quicker. See, it doesn't really matter. You're gonna drown anyway. It's just a matter of time.

I will be laughing at all this in a couple of months. Or before the year ends, tops. That's a commitment to myself. But until then, laughter and smiles will be a luxury.

Stolen from an unknown author in the world wide web

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.

...

I’m going to stay for as long as there is reason to stay because I am afraid that when I leave there is no coming back.

When I decide it's time to walk away, it won't be because I stopped loving you. It's not because of the pain. I'm gonna stay as long as you want me to stay. Without waiting for anything in return.

I loved you then without realizing that was what I was doing, feeling. Without pain. I'm going back to that place, where it is possible to love. I'm going back to that place where I can feel without being hurt. As long as the you I've come know is still there, I will go back. I don't care how painful the process is going to be.

But when I feel that that place, the person has long gone. I will leave.I was only enduring the pain for the friendship I thought existed. And there's no point in staying if that was not even there in the first place.

I tried.

The only thing I never did was to put my feelings in words. To let the actual words escape. To verbalize it.

Whatever I did, it was the only way I knew how. It's underwhelming, I know. It's lacking. It's not enough. It probably didn't even come across as feelings.

I didn't know how to show it. But I was trying.

It's difficult not knowing how to make people realize that they make you happy. That the thought of losing them haunts you ever time you're alone with your thoughts.

But it's harder to lose the person before you have the time to figure out what you actually feel.

I am sarcastic

I told you it would make me sad.
Thanks for doing exactly what I told you not to do.

Thanks for not listening.

Thanks for making me feel that insignificant.
That easy to take forgranted.

Thanks for constantly reminding me that I should learn to trust people.
Thanks for making me feel that trusting people sometimes really is not worth it.

Thanks for pulling me out of my shell
Making me feel vulnerable

Thanks for pouring ice cold water over my emotions

Naturally

I like seeing you smile. Whoever, whatever is making you smile.

I'm missing it now. And I haven't even lost it yet.

Pulled from under, hitting nothing

You caught me off guard. I was under the impression that I was prepared.

I was constantly battling against that happy feeling I get when I see you, when I talk to you, when I’m around you. I was stopping myself from being happy. At some point I realized that being happy was something I have not felt for quite some time. Maybe that’s why it felt so weird. I tried to be all analytical. I tried to figure out if I should stay or go. I figured there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Acquiescence. And then there was that voice in my head constantly sounding the alarm. ‘Stop right there, stupid.’ It was a choice between being happy and being stupid. I decided to be stupidly happy and happily stupid.

But then of course it has to end. In reality nothing really ended. I’m still happy to see you, to talk to you, to be around you. But this time there is that tugging feeling in that area where the heart should be. (More like being torn apart feeling). There is that constant stinging which I can’t quite place, a lump in my throat that is steadily getting harder to swallow. The ground was pulled from under me. That was when I banged my head on nothing and realized you caught me off guard.

I do not understand. I hate not understanding something I thought I was prepared for. I hate hurting for no reason. I hate seeing no wound from where blood could flow. I hate hurting from nowhere.

The original plan was to be happy, to be wounded, to be healed and to go on. And now I can’t find the wound, how the hell am I supposed to heal.

I do not even understand why it’s killing me.

I do not understand why I’m turning emo. And I don’t even know what that means.

Sometimes I break into a song “I wanna get out of this, I wonder is there anything I’m gonna miss”

Sometimes I want to get away and then I realize this is my fault. When I think about it I do not really want to get away from you. Sometimes I wish I listened to that voice in my head, and then I think about what I would have missed. Sometimes I wonder if being happy for a while was worth getting all lost now. I’m still wondering.

It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

I think I learned a lot in the process. I think I know myself better now. I do not like the ‘me’ I got to know. I think I lost myself long ago and I do not know where to find it. I do not want to get stuck with this version of me. My innate ability to stitch myself back together got lost with the old version of me. I’m getting worse at this game of pretending.

I know it shows. I do not like that. I’m so good at fooling myself into thinking I’m okay. Now, I probably can’t even fool a child. I’m a mess at best.

Do not give me that ‘in 6 months you’ll be fine’ line. I want to be okay now.

Crazy victim

I need something
From you

I need to know you're happy

I care

It hurts when people say you don't care. Don't care about anything at all.
It hurts because I do. I care about a lot of things.
I just don't know how to show it.
Or I have my own way of showing it.
But I guess it does not really show.

It hurts.

I want you stay. But I want to hate you.
It comes to a point where it hurts too much
And I honestly wonder why.

I wonder

I want to see you happy. But I wonder why it hurts.
I know I can't be in her place.
Because you'd rather not.
Because I'd rather not.

I guess we see that eye to eye.

I want to stay. I want you to stay.
But I still want to hate you.
That would make things easier.
If I just hate you.

It hurts to wonder why I can't even see eye to eye with myself

So what do I do?
Continue to hurt
Continue to wonder
Continue to stay

Words that will never escape

Never expected anything in return. Does not plan to.

And still desperately trying to figure out what I'm trying to do.

I hate having to live with the regret of leaving words unsaid.

But that is what I need to do to keep you.

I often wonder, 'Can I really keep you?'

...

Is it just a struggle between denying something that is already there and preventing yourself from realizing something that you already knew?

If I succeed in denying, in not realizing...

Do I really lose something by holding back? Is it even possible to lose something I never had...

It is...

I dont like posting song lyrics only because I feel like I should string my own ideas together and should not depend on the thoughts of others. well, this one struck home. So, what the hey

What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

...

I live for the things that constantly elude me.
I wonder if it will all be worth it.

Victim 3443

Girl wearing Tear Stained shirt and a Morphine Drip
Whose diary I snatched..

I have gone through all the pages. It was painful. Listening to her words without my inane inserts brings tears to my eyes…

Her opening line was:

I’m writing this so I have something to laugh about in a couple of months. Once I have realized I’m okay, I’ll find this all funny.

I thought alcohol was supposed to make you numb, at least for the time being. Or maybe I wasn’t drunk enough. I didn’t think it allows all the things that you are so good at suppressing to surface. It hurts to be drunk.

Just like thinking about you hurts like hell. Usually, putting pain in words helps. Sort of starts the healing process. This is going to be one long and painful process. And it hasn’t even started yet.

I want to regret a lot of things. I want to regret not being aware. I want to regret not seeing the signs. Want to regret putting off building that wall until I cant even bring myself to draw the line.

I want to hate myself. I want to hate myself more. i want to hate myself for letting myself fall. I want to hate myself for thinking I can manage. Want to hate myself for writing this.

I could not bring myself to regret everything. I could not hate myself more than I already do. I do not want to lose the memory of you and my stint with happiness.


Second…how unlucky

It took a decade to finally want to erase that friendship line I draw around everyone I meet. To meet someone I’ll gladly cross the line for while at the same time being aware of how painful it’s going to end. This is the closest it has felt to the last time. No, I’m not in love. Thank God, or I don’t know if I’ll be capable of writing this had it come to that. Doesn’t matter though. It hurts like hell, still.

I miss being behind the safety of my wall where it’s easier not to get hurt.

I agree with her. A wall is a very convenient way of not being hurt. Also, the easiest way to not be anything at all. That diary of hers has plenty of more painful and tear stained entries. Once I get around to transcribing them I’ll post them here.

I hope this diary has a part two though because I’m not seeing anything that says…

I’m laughing at how sappy and sad I was in my previous entries.

Signing on...

Time to take some tissue, my nearly dried out pen and a useless, random topic I snatch from a stranger. Snort my favorite ground coffee and put my two cents in a coffee cup.

Sit, just don’t bother my coffee.