Pulled from under, hitting nothing

You caught me off guard. I was under the impression that I was prepared.

I was constantly battling against that happy feeling I get when I see you, when I talk to you, when I’m around you. I was stopping myself from being happy. At some point I realized that being happy was something I have not felt for quite some time. Maybe that’s why it felt so weird. I tried to be all analytical. I tried to figure out if I should stay or go. I figured there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Acquiescence. And then there was that voice in my head constantly sounding the alarm. ‘Stop right there, stupid.’ It was a choice between being happy and being stupid. I decided to be stupidly happy and happily stupid.

But then of course it has to end. In reality nothing really ended. I’m still happy to see you, to talk to you, to be around you. But this time there is that tugging feeling in that area where the heart should be. (More like being torn apart feeling). There is that constant stinging which I can’t quite place, a lump in my throat that is steadily getting harder to swallow. The ground was pulled from under me. That was when I banged my head on nothing and realized you caught me off guard.

I do not understand. I hate not understanding something I thought I was prepared for. I hate hurting for no reason. I hate seeing no wound from where blood could flow. I hate hurting from nowhere.

The original plan was to be happy, to be wounded, to be healed and to go on. And now I can’t find the wound, how the hell am I supposed to heal.

I do not even understand why it’s killing me.

I do not understand why I’m turning emo. And I don’t even know what that means.

Sometimes I break into a song “I wanna get out of this, I wonder is there anything I’m gonna miss”

Sometimes I want to get away and then I realize this is my fault. When I think about it I do not really want to get away from you. Sometimes I wish I listened to that voice in my head, and then I think about what I would have missed. Sometimes I wonder if being happy for a while was worth getting all lost now. I’m still wondering.

It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

I think I learned a lot in the process. I think I know myself better now. I do not like the ‘me’ I got to know. I think I lost myself long ago and I do not know where to find it. I do not want to get stuck with this version of me. My innate ability to stitch myself back together got lost with the old version of me. I’m getting worse at this game of pretending.

I know it shows. I do not like that. I’m so good at fooling myself into thinking I’m okay. Now, I probably can’t even fool a child. I’m a mess at best.

Do not give me that ‘in 6 months you’ll be fine’ line. I want to be okay now.