...

I am in a very weird place. It's like quicksand. Don't move and you sink. Make a move towards something and you sink quicker. See, it doesn't really matter. You're gonna drown anyway. It's just a matter of time.

I will be laughing at all this in a couple of months. Or before the year ends, tops. That's a commitment to myself. But until then, laughter and smiles will be a luxury.

Stolen from an unknown author in the world wide web

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.

...

I’m going to stay for as long as there is reason to stay because I am afraid that when I leave there is no coming back.

When I decide it's time to walk away, it won't be because I stopped loving you. It's not because of the pain. I'm gonna stay as long as you want me to stay. Without waiting for anything in return.

I loved you then without realizing that was what I was doing, feeling. Without pain. I'm going back to that place, where it is possible to love. I'm going back to that place where I can feel without being hurt. As long as the you I've come know is still there, I will go back. I don't care how painful the process is going to be.

But when I feel that that place, the person has long gone. I will leave.I was only enduring the pain for the friendship I thought existed. And there's no point in staying if that was not even there in the first place.

I tried.

The only thing I never did was to put my feelings in words. To let the actual words escape. To verbalize it.

Whatever I did, it was the only way I knew how. It's underwhelming, I know. It's lacking. It's not enough. It probably didn't even come across as feelings.

I didn't know how to show it. But I was trying.

It's difficult not knowing how to make people realize that they make you happy. That the thought of losing them haunts you ever time you're alone with your thoughts.

But it's harder to lose the person before you have the time to figure out what you actually feel.

I am sarcastic

I told you it would make me sad.
Thanks for doing exactly what I told you not to do.

Thanks for not listening.

Thanks for making me feel that insignificant.
That easy to take forgranted.

Thanks for constantly reminding me that I should learn to trust people.
Thanks for making me feel that trusting people sometimes really is not worth it.

Thanks for pulling me out of my shell
Making me feel vulnerable

Thanks for pouring ice cold water over my emotions

Naturally

I like seeing you smile. Whoever, whatever is making you smile.

I'm missing it now. And I haven't even lost it yet.

Pulled from under, hitting nothing

You caught me off guard. I was under the impression that I was prepared.

I was constantly battling against that happy feeling I get when I see you, when I talk to you, when I’m around you. I was stopping myself from being happy. At some point I realized that being happy was something I have not felt for quite some time. Maybe that’s why it felt so weird. I tried to be all analytical. I tried to figure out if I should stay or go. I figured there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Acquiescence. And then there was that voice in my head constantly sounding the alarm. ‘Stop right there, stupid.’ It was a choice between being happy and being stupid. I decided to be stupidly happy and happily stupid.

But then of course it has to end. In reality nothing really ended. I’m still happy to see you, to talk to you, to be around you. But this time there is that tugging feeling in that area where the heart should be. (More like being torn apart feeling). There is that constant stinging which I can’t quite place, a lump in my throat that is steadily getting harder to swallow. The ground was pulled from under me. That was when I banged my head on nothing and realized you caught me off guard.

I do not understand. I hate not understanding something I thought I was prepared for. I hate hurting for no reason. I hate seeing no wound from where blood could flow. I hate hurting from nowhere.

The original plan was to be happy, to be wounded, to be healed and to go on. And now I can’t find the wound, how the hell am I supposed to heal.

I do not even understand why it’s killing me.

I do not understand why I’m turning emo. And I don’t even know what that means.

Sometimes I break into a song “I wanna get out of this, I wonder is there anything I’m gonna miss”

Sometimes I want to get away and then I realize this is my fault. When I think about it I do not really want to get away from you. Sometimes I wish I listened to that voice in my head, and then I think about what I would have missed. Sometimes I wonder if being happy for a while was worth getting all lost now. I’m still wondering.

It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

I think I learned a lot in the process. I think I know myself better now. I do not like the ‘me’ I got to know. I think I lost myself long ago and I do not know where to find it. I do not want to get stuck with this version of me. My innate ability to stitch myself back together got lost with the old version of me. I’m getting worse at this game of pretending.

I know it shows. I do not like that. I’m so good at fooling myself into thinking I’m okay. Now, I probably can’t even fool a child. I’m a mess at best.

Do not give me that ‘in 6 months you’ll be fine’ line. I want to be okay now.

Crazy victim

I need something
From you

I need to know you're happy