A very late as usual Egoistic Rambling

Every time my blog is neglected I come up with some excuse like "I have a lot of things to do", "I don't have time to blog". As it turns out I have time, I just have nothing to write about. After a couple of months of being a bum, I realized that I have a lot to write about. I am just plain lazy. I just can't get out of the "waiting for the muses" habit.

My brain is developing networks of cobwebs. Brain dead. Used to get tired just thinking. Not anymore. I get tired wondering what to wonder about. I can't even come up with witty retorts to annoy myself. My brain is in dire need of a project. Unfortunately, this brain I have is very picky. I do have a lot of dusty handouts just waiting to be digested. I just don't feel like it. I am technically out of school. But I chose to study again and now I'm bored out of my wits. It just doesn't seem as fun as I thought it would be. But I have no right to decide whether I'd like to stop. As I've brain cobwebs galore. It's probably just the webs speaking.

Anyway, I have a lot of random thoughts swimming around in my head. And I'm randomly going through them now. First thing to come to mind.

Random Thought 1: Stereotyping. Thank you for judging me. That's what I thought as this guy I just met made a comment that sounded to me as an assumption that I'm just like everyone else. Yellow. I am not. As much as I hate people who stereotype I know I'm guilty of it too. But I withhold assumptions until I see signs of a possible label, which is, by the way, called judgement. Stereotyping is basically "You're from this school? You're that" "You're from that profession? You're this". I generally don't give a crap, but please Shut up.

Random Thought 2:Judging. We all do it. We are all guilty. You know you do it, while you're reading this you're probably judging me. Doesn't matter , really. The key is to know whose comments to care about. You have to learn to pick people very carefully. Because if you care about what everyone say, Good luck. It's going to be a very sad life. I happen to care a lot about what I think of myself. Yes, I am an egomaniac.


Random Thought 3: My not so new obsession is still current, although it's starting to die down.

Random Thought4: It is easier to accomplish a one hour job faster when you think you only have 30 mins.

Random Thought 5: I want to go to China. I want to see the Water Cube stand on its end.

Random Thought 6: I NEED tickets to the Eheads Reunion. Maybe the adrenaline rush will take care of clots obstructing the flow of thoughts in my brain

Random Thought 7: Ely sang Tuwing Umuulan the best.

Random Thought 8: I haven't seen Dark Knight. I'm annoyed.

Random Thought 9: Who played Rorschach?

Random Thought 10: Saan nakakabili ng Ely (not the singing kind)

Random Thought 11: I forgot what number 11 is.

Clearly unfinished. When I feel like it, maybe I'll finish. Or maybe when I start to remember,

...

Happy 28th Birthday, Harry Potter.

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I thought it died on me.

It didn't.

Sometimes I wished it did.

Or it would.

Would have been easier.


Methinks:
A lot of things die on me or fade away while I will it not to. A lot of things continue to bother me while I will it not to. The fun part is not that it dies on me or bothers me. I just love that it is exactly the opposite of what I wished it would be.

Not so independent on Independence Day

Sure we're talking about our country's independence. But I'm vain, I like to talk about mine.

I am unemployed, and no longer loving it. I think you only enjoy being a bum when you have someone to pay for your vacations and all your whims. I don't. Ergo, I'd like to start working. Although, I don't want to work just because I need to. Fortunately, I'd like to work because I want to and I need to. Of course that doesn't necessarily mean it's easy to get a job. Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

What I know for sure is that I'm babbling---which I'm very good at.

I have attained my Master's Degree in Babbling and I have this blog as proof.

I also happen to be a Registered Bum and I have extra extra pounds and this blog to prove it.

As always I am veering away from my topic of Independence. The same way i veer away from everything else. A couple of weeks ago I'm smiling not because I have something to smile about but because I'm silly. Now the sillyness is losing its charm. I'd like another silly reason to smile.

I just remembered, I'm not so dependent anymore. I booked myself a flight a couple of days ago (but i didn't pay for it). Wandered around the airport alone for hours because I'm too early for the flight. I didn't get lost. It's not my fault they gave me the wrong gate number. Landed on a foreign airport without getting lost too. Boarded a flight home on the same airport after a very long walk to the gate. Made the right decision to buy food on the last snack bar on the way to the gate. And managed to read away 5to6 hours of waiting. See, I'm not so dependent. I 'm just broke.

I really need a job. Before I get my Doctorate on Babbling.

Musings

Now I know why I'm drawn to you,

Because I will never have you.

Stranger, stranger

Extremely interesting?
Or extremely boring?
Take your pick.
You're somewhere in between
I don't like that.
Although your tendency
to be one of the two extremes
continue to intrigue me.
If you don't tip towards one side,
I'll lose my buzz in about two weeks.
Give or take a few days.

as of this moment

I am shuffling between the laptop and the phone. (Not a lot of shuffling going on, really). Nothing important, just connecting. I missed doing something that will end not with me opening my gmail and yahoomail and websites that i dont really like, over and over until I realize "Ok, wasting my time again."


I actually am doing something, and I'm getting a headache. But I'm not complaining.

I'm still alive

Some facebook quiz

Your Love, You are quite unlucky in love. You are loved by someone you don't like while your dream person is so far away. Your love life is occasionally under turbulence. Sometimes you don't have the clear view of the guy/gal in your heart.

What??

...

I. Never. Let. Go.

Good luck,

a very very old post from the bin

Death Cab for Cutie
Oasis
Broken Social Scene
U2
My Chemical Romance
Snow Patrol
A little bit of Morcheeba and Everything but the girl

Thanks for keeping me awake during the CAD marathon and ‘freehanding session’. I emerged alive with a numb bottom, shaky hands and barely sane.

Of course, that doesn’t mean it was one hell of a great plate…it just meant i’m still alive.

I wonder whose music will keep me alert, awake, alive, enthusiastic for the final plate and more importantly, for the T.H.E.S.I.S.

Give me music that echoes the hums in my head.

hi, I kill you

Browsing, browsing, browsing.

I open my ym message archive. Lo and behold, the beginnings of a serial killer.

A: can you kill him ?

B: i'm near enough to cause him pain. i presume that crime is scheduled after E day?

A: ahahaha

B: i'll skin him alive for you using the dullest potato peeler i could find

A: hahaha

A: im sure ill find soemthing torturesome to do to -bleep- too

B: make him talk, i swear that's gonna kill him

Disclaimer: The conversation has been edited, without affecting the final outcome, to ensure that the future victims are kept unaware of their predicament.

What I should have said when I was complaining

2007 was a year for the books. My books at least. A definite bad year, I was one of the people who was thankfully saying goodbye to 2007 as it parted. I was hoping of a change, a big change as 2008 says hello.

I was looking back at the year that was. It was The Thesis Year. Everything is connected with the Thesis. Everything. Thesis is a whole different story. This entry is for the surprise I found while looking back at 2007. This is a big Thank you for 2007, the year that had me on knees… but made sure I did not keel over.

Thank you 2007!

I hope I don’t see you again, hahaha.

This entry is most definitely a Thank you, to the people who knew just when to be there. Sometimes not even physically, sometimes just in my thoughts. Sometimes they are not even aware of how much they’ve held me together at the most trying times. Sometimes just thinking of them keeps me from giving up

Thank you!

Thank you, Zeroes.

Nikki, Marie, Eveth, Koko, Gigs, Nancy, Mike. (And special mention to Jel and Marionne. Jel! Nandun ka! At Marionne kahit wala ka dun, parang nandun ka na rin.) I have gotten into the habit of withholding names in my entries. I decided you have been way too important for me to withhold your names. I wonder what life without Zeroes would be. I shudder at the thought.

I do not only Thank you but I love you, seriously or rather siriusly.

From the simple ‘Ok ka lang?’ to ‘Kaya mo yan!’ to ‘Konti na lang’. You have no idea how much help you’ve been. And for that, I can never thank you enough. Just the thought of reaching the end --- or the beginning together with you guys is enough for me to at least try. I’ve long accepted the fact that trying doesn’t necessarily entail winning. But I’d risk the risky trying part.

Again, a very many, big, heartfelt and all the good-words-you’ll-find-in-the-thesaurus Thanks to all of the Zeroes.

I shall look forward to all our future brunches, lunches, coffee breaks, dinners, overnights (where everyone falls asleep :D) chili cons, quesadillas, and what-have-yous.

I shall look forward to all the storytelling and frolicking without the interference of plates. I guess now work or the lack thereof will be the hindrance. I hope that is not the case. The same way that deadlines were not enough to keep us from our ‘tambay mode’, or ‘kwento mode’ or ‘fun and games mode’.

I hope to see you at the next bend or street or road or block or intersection.

Thank you to all the old friends who somehow understood my missing-in-action mode. I know, I know. I kept declining invitations for free food (can you imagine me declining), short dinners and catching ups. Let just say it is some sort of self-preservation. And that is something only I will understand.

Thank you for understanding.

Thank you for being part of the Life before the College Life. Thank you for making that Life the best it could possibly be so that when tough times arrive I have a nice place to go back to.

Thank you for being there. Even though I don’t call on you guys often just the thought that you have Friends is comforting enough.

I’m sending out Thank yous and I love yous.

Thank you to my Thesis adviser and 2 professors who have been very helpful and accommodating. I shall name them Prof. A and Prof B. I’ve always wanted Prof. B to be my adviser, I was actually praying for it. A second before draw lots I changed the prayer I’ve been saying for a while to ‘Lord, give me an adviser who will be able to help me’. And he did. I had a lot of apprehensions about The Adviser. I wondered why God picked him I realized during the ‘hanging-in-a-balance-moment of my thesis. I am so lucky. Thank you, Sir.

I consulted with Prof.B just once. And he only had one line. And I broke down. It wasn’t even about what he said. I guess he told me what I needed to hear even though I didn’t really know what I wanted to hear. Well there you go. You pointed out the problem that I have been trying to find. Thank you.

Prof. A. has always been up there in the Thank you list. The interest you’ve shown and your willingness to help has been one of the key things that kept me from giving up. How can you give up when someone actually believes in you? The videos have helped, the links have helped. Everything helped. Thank you

To Ar2, my blockmates, Thank you. That scary room felt like home. It was a rather nice feeling looking at familiar faces as you stand to get criticized. Thank you for the support, for carrying my boards, for everything. Thank you for all the great times inside whatever classroom we're on. For the fun times as we desperately try not to fail, sometimes. For making those terror professors ordinary people. For making unbearable subjects bearable. Thank you for making The College Life a great life. We shall see each other soon. Soon.

To all the people who I’ve never met in person but were just names in my email address book, Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to answer questions of a panicky thesis student.

To all the people I’ve met along the way who have been so willing to help someone they don’t know, Thank you. Maybe we shall meet again.

To the people of the print shop or print shops, Thank you. Thank you for constantly asking ‘Anong oras ba deadline mo??’ and being constantly shocked that I’ve already missed by deadline. hahaha Maybe I should bring you lunch some time.

To the people who helped put my half-baked ideas on digital files and eventually on the big boards, Thank you. Thank you for putting up with the flooding of text messages and PMs about changes, redos and what-have-yous. Thank you for putting up with the ‘I need this now’ message and the sungit mode. Thank you for sharing the zombie state and the ‘hilo’ state. I shall not skimp on thankyous because I already got my number 1 wish for this year. One of you said ‘Masarap gumgraduate ng March’ nonchalantly. But that is one of the best reminders I’ve gotten this year. I thought I knew then what that means. Now, I know that I know what that means. Thank you for reminding me.

To all the people I have not specifically thanked, Thank you.

To that guy up there, Thank you. Thank you for somehow working things out every time I get things all tangled up. Thank you for listening to my endless rants about giving up, to my endless complaints and whys?? Thank you for constantly clearing up my clouded mind. Thank you for berating me when I gave up. Thank you for reminding me of what I really want. Thank you for gluing me back together every time I break myself. Thank you for all the wonderful people you throw along my path. I love them all, you know. Keep ‘em coming :D

I know you take care of everyone, but please take extra care of these people I thanked and I love, please. That is the only way I can ever come close to repaying them. And for that, I shall again Thank you.

Just stay there, ok.


Addendum:
Oh, and before I forgot Thank you, World and your dear friend Life. I have constantly tried to elude you but you have been very patient. And for that, I Thank you. See you on the same side because I don’t really believe the grass is greener on the other side, :D

Not when stolen pictures are all I have

I think I've forgotten how to write.

Oh Life, please don't take this away from me. I live for this. Once all the images and all the made up stories have disintigrated, this is all I have.

Please don't take it away from me.

Please do not make me resort to Apathy, not now. Not when I can't afford to.

I try

I do my best to accept that there are things I can never have. I know now to just let things happen, most times, sometimes. I understand that now for somehow the things I thought were already impossible are handed out to me. Definitely not on a silver platter but still handed out to me.

...

'the pressure will be relieved'...

what exactly is pressure?? i said i've never been this scared before,
now i say i've never been this lost before.

willing to learn but scared shit of responsibility. how the hell am i gonna make it out there?

note to y:
kasalanan mo to e, kung ano ano sinasabi mo.

Lessons above ground and just below the clouds

I used to and still do, live my life vicariously. I have been doing so and enjoying it for the better half of my life which makes trying to live life first hand all the more harder. Lucky me, although college can be tough it has soft spots that always know where to find you.

The Syllabus

Subject: College Life
Classroom: Above ground and just below the clouds
Time: Depends how long you want to stay
Professor: Everyone you meet along the way
Objective: To make sure all emotions are accounted for before you decide to leave.
Disclaimer: Not all modules are guaranteed to be taught, learned or understood by the conclusion of the subject. It all depends on you.

Module 1:
Everything ends with their right side up. Lots of things happen that rock your world, sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. The good thing about life is that it’s closer to a dice than to a boat. When a boat gets rocked by the waves and winds sometimes it ends up cap sized. You get trapped inside then probably drown. A dice when rolled may not always give you the high number or the low number you need. But essentially, it gives you a number to work with. I guess that means it’s not a trap. And I guess that means the universe—or multiverse always has a way of straightening things out.

Module 2:
Friends always come through somehow. I have great respect for the people who can call themselves Friends. I happen to end up with what I would call the Licensed Friends, Elite group. They are all skillfully trained in the art of Friendship combat. If you must know, Licensed Friends have every right to call themselves Friends. They have gone through a rigorous training of banter, story-telling, listening to your stories, singing, dancing, arguing, reminding you of what needs to be noted, forgetting your mishaps, helping you forget. They also have Extra Loud laughter for laugh-atons and Reinforced shoulders for crying sessions.

Module 3:
Sometimes you have to tunnel your way through. The multiverse is not a series of doors that open when you knock. There are those that you need to barge your way into. And then there are those that just won’t budge. In which case, tunnel your way through. They say it’s the journey and not the destination that matters. In the end you can say “It wasn’t a smooth ride, there were lots of bumpy paths and sticky mishaps but it was definitely a better ride”

Module 4:
Trusting people is not easy, but sometimes you just have try. You know that feeling when you think there’s one more step when you’re climbing stairs then you realize there’s none. Remember that weird feeling in the tummy? That’s how scary trusting people are, only a hundred times weirder. There could be 10 people you will trust, odds are 9 will let you down. But when you get to that 1 person worth trusting, the other 9 are all worth trying.

Module 5:
Compromise. You never get everything in this life delivered in a bubble wrap. Sometimes you get things all broken, sometimes with missing pieces. Sometimes you can try piecing them back together. Sometimes you can try and find the missing pieces. And sometimes you just have to let it go. Not everything comes in neat perfect packages but they always come with instructions. That instruction always says the same thing: “It’s up to you to make it perfect.”

Module 6:
Some lessons are better learned first hand. Vicarious pleasure, vicarious living is fun. But Life can become an addiction and when venturing into battle second hand lessons are not always the best set of armament. Sometimes scars are the best reminders of lessons learned. Sometimes they even hurt just enough to keep you from making the same mistake.

Module 7:
Be true to yourself no matter how cliché it may sound. It’s so much easier to get lost in a crowd knowing who you are than being in a room all alone without knowing what’s inside

Module 8:
I shall quote Dumbledore on this, “It is our choices that show who we truly are far more than our abilities.” Talent is something you are born with (although sometimes I wonder if that is true). But then talent is not going to make things happen. Even a vessel overflowing with fuel is not going to move unless someone turns the ignition. You have to make the choice even if the choice seems unlikely. And when the choice is made, you have to make it the right choice.

Module 9:
Lessons never stop coming until you stop learning, the same way that air is always present until you decide to stop breathing it in. You have to make the choice to accept. You cannot always be sure of the outcome of things, you just have to try. Sometimes things fall into pieces, at times smaller and at times bigger. Open your eyes and pick the lesson, they often are labeled Lesson Learned, we are just too scared to see.

Module 10:
Review all past modules and get ready for a practical exam.

Exam Instructions: Lifelong exam consists of an infinite number of questions. Answer honestly. No need to cheat because you will never find the answer sheet. All points are awarded for effort. Have fun because this is the only exam that will matter.

Take three yes?

Posted dec. 26,2004. again last april 30, 2006. And again...

the advent of technology...you spend hours on the net surfing for stuff you don't really need. well, just an excuse to be online. hoping that maybe for some unknown but an appreciated reason you'll chance upon someone. not just someone, but some one.so everyday even for an hour you log-in, keeping your toes (since your currently using your hands) crossed. maybe just maybe...and everyday you get frustrated.but not enough to keep you away from the computer.and so one day, in the wee hours of the morning, you spotted your happiness online.out of your invisibility cloak you go for a casual stroll and hopefully your ip address might bump into his.haaaaay.......what we do to be called crazy

...

Never been this scared before.

Now I know why I've never been fond of so many people, but I'm not gonna tell you why. I'd rather have all the conflict inside.

Problem:

She does not feel significant enough to waste the time of other people, whether voluntarily given or not.