Getting used to 'minus 1'

The hardest part is not making the decision. It's living with the consequences of that decision.

Will you still want what you want when you get it?

No, I don't think you should get married just because you've already invested several years of your life in a relationship.

No, I don't think you should get married because of familiarity or practicality.

No, I don't think you should get married just because.

No, I don't think you should rush into anything.

No, I don't think you should get married because everyone's at it.

Yes, I think you should think about it.

Yes, I think you should save, prepare and have the wedding you've always wanted.

Yes, I think you should find the one you want to spend the rest of your life with and marry that person.

Quite logical? Logical enough? I just choose to say the exact opposite of what I believe in. That's the illogical part.

3 clicks to fast forward

What was the diagnosis again? Is it capable of being fixed? No longer salvageable? Are you going to fix it? Are you still trying to stitch it back together?

What was I supposed to do again? Was I supposed to enjoy my last moments or was I supposed to just find another hobby?

Was I supposed to take a grand vacation to forget what you said? Or
was I supposed to stay in place?

Wait. Have you given a diagnosis yet? Or did I just get ahead of myself? Again.

Shake it off

These days I can't allow my mind to wander for a couple of minutes. It senses that my defenses are down and goes on overdrive. A rollercoaster emotional ride. Not fun. Induces vomiting and hating. Wondering and complaining. What ifs and what nots. Nitpicking and missing the big picture. Boo mind! Sometimes i wish you'll just shut up. Shut up.

I am done with my graceless heart. So tonight I'm gonna cut it off and then restart. F+m

Swimming lessons

I'm tired. The tides can carry me wherever, or drown me if needed. I'm no longer fighting.

“If pain must come, may it come quickly. Because I have a life to live, and I need to live it in the best way possible. If he has to make a choice, may he make it now. "PC

A little autopilot never hurt anyone, right? Right?

There is silence that is comforting, much needed. And there's one that is foreboding, almost apathetic. That's the silence I do not want. Do not need. Do not welcome. It presents itself in situations that require words. An explanation. If not an explanation at least a heads up will suffice. But there is something worse than silence. It is silence under the guise of non-silence. It is when one pretends the silence is non existent.

It is when one pretends, fades and ----

Confusedself signing on

“Yes, my mind was wandering. I wished I were there with someone who could bring peace to my heart someone with whom I could spend a little time without being afraid that i would lose him the next day. With that reassurance, the time would pass more slowly. We could be silent for a while because we'd know we had the rest of our lives together for conversation. I wouldn't have to worry about serious matters, about difficult decisions and hard words.” PC

It's raining. I'm alone in my head and it is not always a good thing. Make it 2 days alone in my head, and I can't even come up with a solid distraction for at least 2 minutes. I've been bothered by confused thoughts for more than a week. I knew putting off tackling these thoughts was a bad idea, and as luck would have it I am forced to tread these murky thoughts in the most inoppurtune time lest I sink.

“What's the world greatest lie? the boy asked, completely surprised. "it's this: that at a certain point in our lives, we lose control of what's happening to us, and our lives become controlled by fate. That's the world's greatest lie.” PC

Random rambling on a rainy day

"if you had to choose between someone you're compatible with but is financially challenged and someone who doesn't get you in the same way but is fiancially stable, who would you choose?" I choose the former. Didn't have to think about that one. Love over money, right? Things change. My answer hasn't. My reasons have. It's incredibly difficult for me to find someone whose company I enjoy. So i will wait til that person comes along. Again.

Stuck in a rut

In the wrong place. How long do i stick it out before I can no longer say "i'm just paying my dues"?

Musings

Things happen for a reason i know. I am trying to work things out for myself cause i dont ever want to question the things that are happening in my life. I want to be able to accept, to understand. To accept that i cant understand everything.  

I dont ever want to ask myself, 'what have i done with my life?'

Life is too short. Cliche. But i want to live. And living for me means moving towards something, whatever that maybe. It would be nice to matter. It may be egocentric, but knowing you are making some sort of difference is comforting.

I dont want to be validated by other people. I need to know my worth.

This is my 2nd week on vacation. Things are only starting to dawn on me. I'm being selfish but i need to work on me. Now.

I can't say it but Adele can

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name,
will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You'll never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

2 minutes lang yan

I like you in a more than a friend kind of way. I don't know what changed or when exactly it happened. It was probably between the stress of reviewing for the board exams, finishing planning, work and all little things. I know there is nothing remotely romantic lost between the 2 of us. When we talk, it does not even sound like friendship. I just need to say this, I have a bet with myself saying I can.

I don't need any speech consoling me. We don't see each other regularly so it should not be awkward.

I ramble in my head when I try to organize these thoughts . But I'm pretty sure with whatever message I want to convey.

2 minutes lang e. Di pa ko pinakinggan. Tanga ko talaga magtext.

CTRL Z

Need to relearn a lot of things, need to undo my knowledge of you. Everytime i think of you, i lose track of where i am heading. And so i need to undo you. 

I was hoping you will get to where i am now. If there was any chance you're bound to get there, you will have gotten there by now. 

My analytical mind is telling me exactly the right thing to do. My mending heart is begging me to stay. My heart keeps telling me i cant stand to lose you. My mind is telling me i have nothing anyway. 

And so i am back where i started. Thinking i had things figured out. Thanks for the company while it lasted. You win some, you learn some. And you are my lesson for tonight.

Sit down beside me

I miss you. I actually long to sit beside you. To grab a cup of coffee and talk nonsense. Or not talk at all. 

It's crazy that i miss you like this. But i do. I could spend the whole day thinking about how much i miss you if i had nothing better to do. I rarely do. 

I don't understand why.I can't do anything about it. And so it goes.

I'm not sure what hurts more. Missing you or knowing you don't miss me too,

I hope

I hope to be found by someone.
I hope to find someone.
Who will hold my hand as we stroll the mall and won't leave me behind.
Who has me on his mind not only when he needs company.
Who makes me feel special.

I don't mean to sound bitter.
When I'm with you, I get the opposite of these.
But it makes me long more for that someone.

I hope to meet you soon.
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