Rainy days make it hard to be a non-believer

I don't believe in destiny. I like to think hardwork pays off. Maybe it does. Maybe i am just a control freak. 

Destiny offers a certain level of comfort that you sometimes seek when you're down. It's particularly useful in matters of relationships. In finding a partner in life. In finding someone. We can always turn to destiny when a recent interesting acquaintance becomes bland, when something good turns sour. It wasn't meant to be, we say. It was meant to be that way.  We kid ourselves. 

It would be nice to be able to tell  yourself on rainy days that destiny is working on your 'Love story'. That somewhere somehow pieces of an elaborate puzzle are falling into place. That you can sit back and enjoy a warm cup of hot chocolate while the tides of fate bring you closer to your soulmate. Not believing in destiny makes that impossible. 

I am not bitter. I can accept what is and isnt so. I can manage life alone. I have good friends. I know their value. I am happy with them. I know how lucky i am.  The blessings are pouring, when i open my eyes. But wouldn't it be great to find someone who complements you. Who challenges you and supports you. Who loves you. Love. I wonder what it's like when someone who's not family or a friend loves you. Is it any different? 

Wouldn't it be great to find someone who's complete without you but would rather complicate their lives with your presence because, well, love. Is it real? 

I dont have destiny's comforting whispers when i ask myself these. I'm alone in my head. No one to assure me someone will come along. Sure, that's what people will tell us. We want to believe. I want to believe. But we know there's possibility that's never gonna happen. 

It's hard when you don't believe in destiny and you feel some sort connection with someone. Albeit a fake connection. You know that if you don't give it a shot no wheels of fate are turning to bring you back together. That sort of thing only happens in movies. 

There's freedom in choices. You're free to decide and also free to mess up. 

9:03 PM Map

I have enough courage for a blog post

Let me just put this out there. I do not pine or hope or wish for anything more than friendship. I may have gotten too smitten at times, but i never misinterpreted the supposed friendship you are giving as something romantic. It is what it is. Just friendship. That has been set since day 1. What i feel is not relevant. If you're putting distance because you think i am pining, spare me. I know my place. 

I am only disoriented by the sudden shift  from 'i think we could be friends' to 'let's just be officemates'. It was never because i hoped for more than what i am entitled to. If it was because i asked, keep on asking for attention, I am sorry. i was only missing what i thought was the norm.  In my defense, you did give me attention. You listened and you allowed me to get to know you. (Or at least that's what i thought). I did think for a time that it was too much, but it was you who said that's normal for you. You have this whole speech about not spreading yourself too thin so you can give more of yourself to the people who matter. (In fairness to you, you did stress 'people who matter) I was a little too gullible to allow myself to get used to the setup. Sorry. 

If you feel you gave too much and now you're pulling back, you should have said something. For normal people that does not require explanation. But for me it does. Yes, that is how socially inept i am. I made that very clear. Didn't i? 

If you think you need to setup boundaries because  i'm crossing the line, then just say so. That's  why i asked, i also want things clearly demarcated. If i crossed the line, i'm sorry. 

I am generally not clingy and demanding. But when you give me a certain level of attention (i was under the  impression that was your version of friendship) and you take it all away, i am bound to ask what's up? It is not the absence of lunch outs, dinners, movies, window shopping per se. You have oh so effectively pulled the welcome mat from under me and shut me out. A simple 'how are you?' doesnt seem to merit an answer. 

I know there is no point in writing this because apparently you don't like talking about things. (And you are not reading this, which is a plus methinks) It's a wonder how you survived me for the past several months. I like to talk. 

Oh, i just remembered you said you also liked to talk. Is that true? I kinda wonder if the you i met is the real deal. Yes, i actually doubt the realness of the good times. Whether those were happy times with you or just a pretend version of you,  they were still fun times. I hope you weren't fake enjoying my company. I think it's safe to say i provide decent company. 

So really, what i'm trying to say is if you arr busy and preoccupied (and can only focus on so many things at the same time) i understand. But don't make me feel as though i constantly have to consult a checklist of things i can and cannot do or say to you. I think you're company is good enough to want to keep around (again, not for romantic reasons). I care enough to want you around. If you do not feel the same, then by all means just be clear enough in cutting me off. I won't have a grand time dealing with that, but i know that happens. Please be kind enough to show me the way out. Don't just shut the door. 

Aaaand we are done overthinking! 

I love this movie

70% movie, 30% you

Ok, maybe 50% movie, 50% you

Were you happy too?

Missing people is okay

Ikinda miss you. Not in the i miss you in general kind of way. It's different. It's weird. 

I miss talking to you. I miss whining haha.  There are people who will listen to my whines. Everyone's perspective is different. I miss hearing yours.

I still talk to you. I still whine. We're generally okay. I just feel a little restricted. Time. I can't ask for too much. I have to confine all my talking within office hours. That is never enough time for me of course.  But i have to stick to it. I can't continue telling you all my useless stories thru sms or other forms of communication for fear that i might be getting too close. That i am encroaching on your personal space again. There's a tiny fear of rejection too. That i might be ignored. 

Things are generally okay. I've learned my place. I've learned I don't need to fully understand everything to accept it. I've learned that things change and they are not necessarily good or bad. Just changes. Plain and simple. 

I've accepted the limitations of some things. I've accepted some of the things i've  gotten used to had to be changed. We may not always enjoy the change. But it is for the better. Because we have to make it better. 

I miss a level ofcloseness that may have been too much for our friendship. I miss it a lot. But we have to learn to cull certain emotions. 

I miss you. And i've learned that it's okay if i do. 

But sometimes we have to bottle it up. 

Backtracking across My Brain: Everyone's somebody's collateral damage

All this will be fodder for future embarrasing stories of yourself. Where you cried over nothing and acted like a total psycho. In the end you will have acted like a complete fool. Scared people enough for them to disassociate themselves from you.   Exhausted people enough that they dont want to be around you. You will have driven everyone away. Even your friends will get tired of your stories. The very person you're trying to keep around will leave. And you will cry and you will hold on (to nothing) and you will beg for them not to go. All the while knowing you're being stupid. At least your wits will not leave you but your self confidence, self respect ad self control will be out the window. So you will continue to act stupid. You will be overdramatic, too paranoid and you will overanalyze. That's what he will tell you. If it was not true to begin with, you will make it true.  You will refuse to give up because giving up is not an option. You will try to suppress the wsterworks everytime your invitation gets declined, or when a text goes unanswered. You know you're wasting time but who cares.  you will be stupid and you will be all te things you  hate in other people. All the things you know you're not. And when your self esteem has been pureed, chilled, and ready for serving (because you're stupid enough to think everything is your fault) you will stop. You will go back to who you really are. Someone who does not need other people to be happy. The non paranoid, well adjusted person you are. Okay maybe you are not well adjusted but you will learn to cull all those crazy emotions again. Because that much you know you can do. 

That will be the worse part. When you have to put your wall back up. You will smile and you will laugh but it's a lukewarm feeling. Everyone will be on the other side of the wall. Again. It's not your fault. Maybe i trusted too much, too soon. Felt too much. Confused myself. Wandered. 

I may let my emotions get the best of me. Sometimes. Too often. Still working on improving that. But i am worth every second of someone's time. Just not yours maybe. I am just your collateral damage. 

And this will probably never taste as good as it did before

Matalino ka naman

Puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

'Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s'ya na lang
Sana'y ako naman
'Di mo lang alam
Ika'y minamasdan
Sana'y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

'Di mo lang alam
Kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang
Bumabalik ang lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako'y nandito lang
Hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman

Kung ikaw at ako
Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito
Ay dapat bang sumuko
Sana hindi ka na lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako'y masasaktan ng ganito
Sana'y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

'Di mo lang alam
Ako'y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s'ya na lang
Sana'y ako naman
'Di mo lang alam
O, ika'y minamasdan
Sana iyo'y mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

Just get over it sappy fool

I miss texting haha. I miss you. But that's all in the past, a year to be almost exact. Gone are the witty messages, good mornings, take cares and good nights. Sometimes people get bored, seek company then become bored again and leave. Find something, someone else to keep them company.  It happens. 

No one gives a damn so stop feeling anything. It just makes you look crazy. 

I am tired, God.

Please give me rest. 

All purpose blog

I've been posting an incredible amount of non sense lately. Not that this blog was ever meant to mean anything. But this page has been getting an extra dose of non sense everyday. 

This blog is serving its purpose. 

It was meant to be a place for all my useless, random thoughts. Some of the posts i've published i no longer believe in. Some i still do. Some still make sense to me. Some dont. I write almost immediately after a burst of emotion. I seldom hold back. I write whatever comes to mind. I read and notice all the errors. Grammatical, content wise. I read some and it's like i have memorized the whole entry. Sometimes i read it and it's like someone else wrote it. 

I take mental notes. I correlate what happened with what i wrote. I learn how i may have overreacted. How i should have handled the situation. Why my theory is flawed. Why i dont make sense. I try to learn. This is how i learn. I have to think. Maybe i overthink. Maybe because that's all i get to do. Think, wonder, sometimes hope. I've been told that maybe i should just keep my thoughts to myself. That's why i write lest i just die from so many thoughts and wonderments and hopes left unsaid. 

If i want to keep you then i'll go crazy on you more than once. Because i want you to know me and i want to know if we can handle each other. I'm not a very good judge of character. 

I'm not sure why im writing this. Maybe just so i dont lose track of what lesson im trying to learn. I'm kinda lost right now. Well maybe not lost. Just really sad. 

I did learn something new this week. Get hope out of your head. Play loud music until you are deaf and  pretend that you dont care. When care starts creeping back. Lie. And pretend some more. 

You are not on the list. Silly.

Sometimes we dont have enough time to accommodate all the things we want to do or to spend time with people we want in our lives. That's why we prioritize. We have a list and we make time for them. Most people will not include you in that  list. Suck it up. Stop asking for time. Stop looking stupid hoping they will make time for you. Sometimes they just dont have enough. Go keep yourself company. 

It's amazing what a year can do

Surround yourself with friends. They are your first line of defense. Let them help you filter out the people who will do you no good. 

Let go of the ones who cause you pain. They don't hurt you, sure. But you allow yourself to feel hurt in their company. Cut them lose. Have enough respect for yourself to recognize that you're deserving of a little more than leftovers. If you don't believe it, then lie to yourself. And do it well. 

Your happiness is you. Not the people who come and go. Just because someone makes you happy doesn't mean they're your happiness. You may be misled. Retreat. Go away inside (like jaime). Let your friends remind you you are your happiness. Let them bang your head against the wall till some sense falls into place. 

Time and distance will help. If you can't physically get distance, again, go away inside (like jaime). Notice the good things. Let your friends remind you what it's like to have fun. Start a new hobby. Sooner or later you will realize, your happiness did not depend on one person. 

Cry. Until you think your eyes will fall out. Then stop.  Stop believing. Stop hoping. Stop trusting. Leave your heart some place secure. Maybe with your friends. When you're calloused enough maybe you can open up. Until such time be the one they call stupid for being walled up. The one who will never find anyone because they are too reserved, too afraid  to let anyone in. That shouldn't bother you because you're heartless. If it bothers you, remind yourself that you are not trying to fall in love. You are but trying to stitch yourself together. 

It's amazing what a year can do. 

Overcooked, hardboiled, and rotten thoughts

No matter what i do i always feel like i'm on borrowed time. So i exhaust every minute. I want to spend time. And when you're on borrowed time, It's not unusual to feel that the wanting is one sided. That it has become a chore to the other person. This is the consequence of opening up. To the wrong person. Can't blame anyone there. Oh well, this too shall pass. Sooner than later please. I hate looking like i'm chasing after you. I hate looking stupid too. Fallen and trapped inside a web you will deny weaving and i'll be too stubborn to accept being stuck in. 

Songs are not made for fools like me

All my life spent on waiting

When I realized I like you, that you make me happy, I wondered what it would be like to hear you say you feel the same way. That in my own little way, I can make you smile. That I make you happy. But I never allowed myself to imagine further. Right then, I accepted that I'm never going to hear that. Maybe because you don't feel the same way, or it's never gonna work. For all sorts of reasons my clouded logic can come up, I denied myself a happy thought. It's quite sad for someone like me who is only ever really free inside my imagination to have to suppress a would-be happy daydream. Maybe because I acknowledge the fact that once I allow myself to fall, drowning is my only 'ending'.

I like learning new things, maybe I am not as adventurous as other people. Maybe I live my life vicariously through the people who can handle things better than me. I am annoyed though that I can't explore this tiny feeling Ihave for you. I can't know, will never know where it will take me. I even have to suppress may imagination to prevent myself from falling too deep. It's stupid.

I am overdramatic, too emotional. Maybe I do get ahead of myself. Maybe I ruin an otherwise normal story by overcompensating for a loss that is yet to happen (probably never gonna happen). Maybe my weird notion that people have expiration dates is idiotic. Yes. It is idiotic. I didn't realize how it maims possibly good relationships. All I know is it was supposed to protect me from getting too attached and getting hurt. Well, boohoo, I have a boo boo. And no band-aid can take care of that.

For a time, I thought I have become this clingy person who just wants to be with you always. I didn't get to see you for a week and my bleak excuse for a heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I thought, fuck, what has become of me. This is not me. I think back to a time when I am away from you, did I miss you like this? No, I did not. I wanted you to be there,yes. I figured you'll enjoy the waterfalls, the little fishes, the boat ride, the sandbar. But it did not feel like a thousand tiny fingers were pinching just below my throat. And then I realized why it hurt, when I wasn't even supposed to mind. It is not just the distance, or duration of absence that makes you miss people. In my case, it is knowing that checking on you would be imprudent. That technology has blesssed us with all sorts of ways to communicate, but I can't reach you. I want to ask if you're enjoying your vacation, but I can't. I am not the one you're with. Half of me knows it would be weird if I ask, and the other half is scared that I'm not gonna get a reply. We both know that's what is going to happen.

At times, I feel like I met a lie. That all the good things I enjoyed with you are made up to suit my liking. That maybe the things you said, were said so I will continue to spend time with you. It is not paranoia. I guess sometimes that thought makes me feel better. The thought soothes me ' I am not missing out by not being with him. It's a lie. He's a lie'.

Everyday, when I wake up I pray for a good day. I don't know what that means anymore. But whatever I get, I assume makes my day good. Even though half the time it saddens me. Everyday, I fight a battle to stay afloat. I look sad and tired most of the time, lately. I don't care about pretending everything is fine and dandy. It is not. Why do I have to pretend for them? I expend enough energy distracting myself from my silly thoughts.


It bothers me that I know what I want, and by no means will I get it. That no amount of working hard or working smart will get me what I want. That I can only hope for the best, but who determines what's best? This setup may be the best and I won't even know it. See, maybe that's why I don't get relationships. No matter how much effort you put into it, you will always be just 50% of the outcome. No matter how much you hope to be with someone, it's still up the other person to decide.

On the upside, meeting you is quite a lesson. I realized some of the things I am looking for do exist. I learned a few things I didn't even know I wanted. I guess if you exist, I 'll meet another one. Someone else I can like without being judged, without being suppressed. Someone else I can have feelings for that I can explore. Someone who's available. Someone else I can spend time with.

If you're reading this (and most likely you're not), I sincerely hope you are happy and content. If you're not, well, I'm still here. Give me a chance to make you happy

Know where you stand

You're the only complication I welcome. But uhm, I guess that's out of the question.