I am tired, God.

Please give me rest. 

All purpose blog

I've been posting an incredible amount of non sense lately. Not that this blog was ever meant to mean anything. But this page has been getting an extra dose of non sense everyday. 

This blog is serving its purpose. 

It was meant to be a place for all my useless, random thoughts. Some of the posts i've published i no longer believe in. Some i still do. Some still make sense to me. Some dont. I write almost immediately after a burst of emotion. I seldom hold back. I write whatever comes to mind. I read and notice all the errors. Grammatical, content wise. I read some and it's like i have memorized the whole entry. Sometimes i read it and it's like someone else wrote it. 

I take mental notes. I correlate what happened with what i wrote. I learn how i may have overreacted. How i should have handled the situation. Why my theory is flawed. Why i dont make sense. I try to learn. This is how i learn. I have to think. Maybe i overthink. Maybe because that's all i get to do. Think, wonder, sometimes hope. I've been told that maybe i should just keep my thoughts to myself. That's why i write lest i just die from so many thoughts and wonderments and hopes left unsaid. 

If i want to keep you then i'll go crazy on you more than once. Because i want you to know me and i want to know if we can handle each other. I'm not a very good judge of character. 

I'm not sure why im writing this. Maybe just so i dont lose track of what lesson im trying to learn. I'm kinda lost right now. Well maybe not lost. Just really sad. 

I did learn something new this week. Get hope out of your head. Play loud music until you are deaf and  pretend that you dont care. When care starts creeping back. Lie. And pretend some more. 

You are not on the list. Silly.

Sometimes we dont have enough time to accommodate all the things we want to do or to spend time with people we want in our lives. That's why we prioritize. We have a list and we make time for them. Most people will not include you in that  list. Suck it up. Stop asking for time. Stop looking stupid hoping they will make time for you. Sometimes they just dont have enough. Go keep yourself company. 

It's amazing what a year can do

Surround yourself with friends. They are your first line of defense. Let them help you filter out the people who will do you no good. 

Let go of the ones who cause you pain. They don't hurt you, sure. But you allow yourself to feel hurt in their company. Cut them lose. Have enough respect for yourself to recognize that you're deserving of a little more than leftovers. If you don't believe it, then lie to yourself. And do it well. 

Your happiness is you. Not the people who come and go. Just because someone makes you happy doesn't mean they're your happiness. You may be misled. Retreat. Go away inside (like jaime). Let your friends remind you you are your happiness. Let them bang your head against the wall till some sense falls into place. 

Time and distance will help. If you can't physically get distance, again, go away inside (like jaime). Notice the good things. Let your friends remind you what it's like to have fun. Start a new hobby. Sooner or later you will realize, your happiness did not depend on one person. 

Cry. Until you think your eyes will fall out. Then stop.  Stop believing. Stop hoping. Stop trusting. Leave your heart some place secure. Maybe with your friends. When you're calloused enough maybe you can open up. Until such time be the one they call stupid for being walled up. The one who will never find anyone because they are too reserved, too afraid  to let anyone in. That shouldn't bother you because you're heartless. If it bothers you, remind yourself that you are not trying to fall in love. You are but trying to stitch yourself together. 

It's amazing what a year can do. 

Overcooked, hardboiled, and rotten thoughts

No matter what i do i always feel like i'm on borrowed time. So i exhaust every minute. I want to spend time. And when you're on borrowed time, It's not unusual to feel that the wanting is one sided. That it has become a chore to the other person. This is the consequence of opening up. To the wrong person. Can't blame anyone there. Oh well, this too shall pass. Sooner than later please. I hate looking like i'm chasing after you. I hate looking stupid too. Fallen and trapped inside a web you will deny weaving and i'll be too stubborn to accept being stuck in. 

Songs are not made for fools like me

All my life spent on waiting

When I realized I like you, that you make me happy, I wondered what it would be like to hear you say you feel the same way. That in my own little way, I can make you smile. That I make you happy. But I never allowed myself to imagine further. Right then, I accepted that I'm never going to hear that. Maybe because you don't feel the same way, or it's never gonna work. For all sorts of reasons my clouded logic can come up, I denied myself a happy thought. It's quite sad for someone like me who is only ever really free inside my imagination to have to suppress a would-be happy daydream. Maybe because I acknowledge the fact that once I allow myself to fall, drowning is my only 'ending'.

I like learning new things, maybe I am not as adventurous as other people. Maybe I live my life vicariously through the people who can handle things better than me. I am annoyed though that I can't explore this tiny feeling Ihave for you. I can't know, will never know where it will take me. I even have to suppress may imagination to prevent myself from falling too deep. It's stupid.

I am overdramatic, too emotional. Maybe I do get ahead of myself. Maybe I ruin an otherwise normal story by overcompensating for a loss that is yet to happen (probably never gonna happen). Maybe my weird notion that people have expiration dates is idiotic. Yes. It is idiotic. I didn't realize how it maims possibly good relationships. All I know is it was supposed to protect me from getting too attached and getting hurt. Well, boohoo, I have a boo boo. And no band-aid can take care of that.

For a time, I thought I have become this clingy person who just wants to be with you always. I didn't get to see you for a week and my bleak excuse for a heart felt like it was being ripped to shreds. I thought, fuck, what has become of me. This is not me. I think back to a time when I am away from you, did I miss you like this? No, I did not. I wanted you to be there,yes. I figured you'll enjoy the waterfalls, the little fishes, the boat ride, the sandbar. But it did not feel like a thousand tiny fingers were pinching just below my throat. And then I realized why it hurt, when I wasn't even supposed to mind. It is not just the distance, or duration of absence that makes you miss people. In my case, it is knowing that checking on you would be imprudent. That technology has blesssed us with all sorts of ways to communicate, but I can't reach you. I want to ask if you're enjoying your vacation, but I can't. I am not the one you're with. Half of me knows it would be weird if I ask, and the other half is scared that I'm not gonna get a reply. We both know that's what is going to happen.

At times, I feel like I met a lie. That all the good things I enjoyed with you are made up to suit my liking. That maybe the things you said, were said so I will continue to spend time with you. It is not paranoia. I guess sometimes that thought makes me feel better. The thought soothes me ' I am not missing out by not being with him. It's a lie. He's a lie'.

Everyday, when I wake up I pray for a good day. I don't know what that means anymore. But whatever I get, I assume makes my day good. Even though half the time it saddens me. Everyday, I fight a battle to stay afloat. I look sad and tired most of the time, lately. I don't care about pretending everything is fine and dandy. It is not. Why do I have to pretend for them? I expend enough energy distracting myself from my silly thoughts.


It bothers me that I know what I want, and by no means will I get it. That no amount of working hard or working smart will get me what I want. That I can only hope for the best, but who determines what's best? This setup may be the best and I won't even know it. See, maybe that's why I don't get relationships. No matter how much effort you put into it, you will always be just 50% of the outcome. No matter how much you hope to be with someone, it's still up the other person to decide.

On the upside, meeting you is quite a lesson. I realized some of the things I am looking for do exist. I learned a few things I didn't even know I wanted. I guess if you exist, I 'll meet another one. Someone else I can like without being judged, without being suppressed. Someone else I can have feelings for that I can explore. Someone who's available. Someone else I can spend time with.

If you're reading this (and most likely you're not), I sincerely hope you are happy and content. If you're not, well, I'm still here. Give me a chance to make you happy

Know where you stand

You're the only complication I welcome. But uhm, I guess that's out of the question.

We lie.

We say we don't hope. But we do. Hoping tears us. Hopelessness kills us.

Kill me now for posting the words of a song. Of this song

Haven't laughed this hard in a long time
I better stop now before I start crying

...
You're wonderful
And it's beautiful

...
But you're already somebody's baby

-Elliot Smith, Twilight

One night i typed away without care for grammar and spell check.

I want to find someone to travel with me. Cambodia, korea, paris, spain and more. I want to hear interesting factoids about the places we will go to. I want an adventure. I want an adventure buddy.

I want someone who will tell me i'd look good in jeans, boots and a turtleneck while we walk around paris. Someone who will teach me to appreciate all there is to find in the louvre. We will have coffee and pastries until we're stuffed. We will sit in front of the river drinking wineand cheese from the farmer's market. We will find cheese with holes.

We will go to beautiful subterranean caves. We will eat serrano ham. We will walk underneath cherry blossoms. We will take photos ofall the beautiful buildings we will find. We might not show up in the photos. We will visit mecca, see the Kaaba. We will watch a U2 concert, and Sting too. We will go where they shot the lord of therings and harry potter. We will go ot weird Japan. We will watch night racing. We will visit all the Disneylands. We will act like kids. We will be child -like.

If we cannot afford to travel, yet, maybe we can hang out in a coffee shop instead. We will mark all the places we will go to and save up for them. We will find affordable vacations while we save for the big ones. We will not give up on our dreams.

I want to find someone who's passionate. Passionate about me, passionste about life. We will not live a mediocre life. He will be smart and he will teach me everything he knows. I will learn from him and maybe be a little smarter than i am now. We may or may not want to do everything i wrote here. But whatever we do, we do together. We will grow together.

Where are you? I hope you're hoping for me too.

Intermediate rafting

Things already ran their course, terms have ended and walls are up. Drawbridge pulled up, moat dangerously deep and infested.

Eh, there's truth in the statement though. Let's drown, shall we?

Stupidity is hard

I believe in a supreme being. I'm not religious but i believe in a supreme being.

I dont believe in fate or destiny. But i believe in a supreme being. When i stumble upon little trinkets of wisdom i say they were purposely put there for me to find. Or maybe not. I have a recurring case of forgetting what i believe in.

I am one of the many who brave the dreadful mass transportation everyday. I got a seat today. No trouble. And i think it is the universe's way of saying 'Maybe the best way home is the straightforward one. One that requires no roundtrip, no extra effort, no extra fare '.

I found an article today. It teaches you how to love yourself. Unconditionally. Flaws and all. It teaches you to sometimes listen to that treacherous voice that tells you how ugly, boring and stupid you are. And how to remind it you're worthy of love despite all that.

There are other ways to interpret that. (or maybe i should just stop interpreting things) It is so easy to be cynical. My interpretation only works on the premise that i am optimistic.

I could not recall the purpose of this entry. Maybe just to ramble. Maybe to get some thoughts out of my extremely polluted mind. Maybe just to test if I am still capable of processing information. Lately, i have an aversion to logic. It is working to my disadvantage.

Argue away!

Fermenting ideas is fun. Sounding stupid in front of someone who's actually smart is better than sounding 'intellectual' in front of people who don't really understand.

Let's be happy everyday. Everyday

Strings are fun. Short, long. Stringing you along. Some amuse you for a while. Some help you pass the time.

You know what else is fun? Scissors. They cut strings.

Doesn't matter if they are long or short. But strings end when you snip snip.

I have a feeling 2013 will be legendary. Here's to great new beginnings!