It is...

I dont like posting song lyrics only because I feel like I should string my own ideas together and should not depend on the thoughts of others. well, this one struck home. So, what the hey

What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

...

I live for the things that constantly elude me.
I wonder if it will all be worth it.

Victim 3443

Girl wearing Tear Stained shirt and a Morphine Drip
Whose diary I snatched..

I have gone through all the pages. It was painful. Listening to her words without my inane inserts brings tears to my eyes…

Her opening line was:

I’m writing this so I have something to laugh about in a couple of months. Once I have realized I’m okay, I’ll find this all funny.

I thought alcohol was supposed to make you numb, at least for the time being. Or maybe I wasn’t drunk enough. I didn’t think it allows all the things that you are so good at suppressing to surface. It hurts to be drunk.

Just like thinking about you hurts like hell. Usually, putting pain in words helps. Sort of starts the healing process. This is going to be one long and painful process. And it hasn’t even started yet.

I want to regret a lot of things. I want to regret not being aware. I want to regret not seeing the signs. Want to regret putting off building that wall until I cant even bring myself to draw the line.

I want to hate myself. I want to hate myself more. i want to hate myself for letting myself fall. I want to hate myself for thinking I can manage. Want to hate myself for writing this.

I could not bring myself to regret everything. I could not hate myself more than I already do. I do not want to lose the memory of you and my stint with happiness.


Second…how unlucky

It took a decade to finally want to erase that friendship line I draw around everyone I meet. To meet someone I’ll gladly cross the line for while at the same time being aware of how painful it’s going to end. This is the closest it has felt to the last time. No, I’m not in love. Thank God, or I don’t know if I’ll be capable of writing this had it come to that. Doesn’t matter though. It hurts like hell, still.

I miss being behind the safety of my wall where it’s easier not to get hurt.

I agree with her. A wall is a very convenient way of not being hurt. Also, the easiest way to not be anything at all. That diary of hers has plenty of more painful and tear stained entries. Once I get around to transcribing them I’ll post them here.

I hope this diary has a part two though because I’m not seeing anything that says…

I’m laughing at how sappy and sad I was in my previous entries.

Signing on...

Time to take some tissue, my nearly dried out pen and a useless, random topic I snatch from a stranger. Snort my favorite ground coffee and put my two cents in a coffee cup.

Sit, just don’t bother my coffee.

Goodbye, indefinitely...

If is should properly document my everyday life this entry will end here.

Fortunately, I have enough sense in me to try and create a little fun in my world. It has worked quite well for the past so and so years. Just enough to keep me borderline sane. For the past few months now it has been steadily becoming useless. My lalaland is falling apart. I think I invented a character so good that I wish he was real. And by real I mean imperfect…

This is cconfused signing off indefinitely. All future entries shall be credited to this other person I do not really know.

Walking away

You should never make important decisions while happiness runs amok in your head. It clouds your ability to think straight, objectively, unbiased. It creates faulty parallelism in your thoughts ----and in your sentences. Happiness masks the truth of the impending hurt.

I don’t regret being happy, that would be stupid. I love being happy. I love waking up knowing I don’t need to find a reason to be happy. I just am. But that doesn’t mean it will not hurt. And it hurts like hell. So don’t blame me for being afraid.

I enjoyed the smiles while it lasted. I’m guessing it’s payback time.

Thanks for saying it for me

I know it's not new, but I still love it.

I Google you
late at night when I don't know what to do
I find photos
you've forgotten
you were in
put up by your friends

I Google you
when the day is done and everything is through
I read your journal
that you kept
that month in France
I've watched you dance

And I'm pleased your name is practically unique
it's only you and
a would-be PhD in Chesapeake
who writes papers on
the structure of the sun
I've read each one

I know that I
should let you fade
but there's that box
and there's your name
somehow it never makes the pain
grow less or fade or disappear
I think that I should save my soul and
I should crawl back in my hole
But it's too easy just to fold
and type your name again
I fear
I google you
Whenever I'm alone and feeling blue
And each scrap of information
That I gather
says you've got somebody new
And it really shouldn't matter
ought to blow up my computer
but instead….
I google you

Neil Gaiman

Gee, thanks

So much for carefully thinking things through. So much for all the hours I spent going through all the 'real life issues' I was so scared of encountering.

I don't want to go through this again. It's will only be fun for a while. Before I know it I'm gonna have to run away and hide, just as always.

I never wanted apathy. But this is a little too overwhelming. My thoughts are swimming in mush, and I'm not getting anything done.

My other life has to go on hiatus. The real world is partially back online.

...

The real world is on hiatus.

A very late as usual Egoistic Rambling

Every time my blog is neglected I come up with some excuse like "I have a lot of things to do", "I don't have time to blog". As it turns out I have time, I just have nothing to write about. After a couple of months of being a bum, I realized that I have a lot to write about. I am just plain lazy. I just can't get out of the "waiting for the muses" habit.

My brain is developing networks of cobwebs. Brain dead. Used to get tired just thinking. Not anymore. I get tired wondering what to wonder about. I can't even come up with witty retorts to annoy myself. My brain is in dire need of a project. Unfortunately, this brain I have is very picky. I do have a lot of dusty handouts just waiting to be digested. I just don't feel like it. I am technically out of school. But I chose to study again and now I'm bored out of my wits. It just doesn't seem as fun as I thought it would be. But I have no right to decide whether I'd like to stop. As I've brain cobwebs galore. It's probably just the webs speaking.

Anyway, I have a lot of random thoughts swimming around in my head. And I'm randomly going through them now. First thing to come to mind.

Random Thought 1: Stereotyping. Thank you for judging me. That's what I thought as this guy I just met made a comment that sounded to me as an assumption that I'm just like everyone else. Yellow. I am not. As much as I hate people who stereotype I know I'm guilty of it too. But I withhold assumptions until I see signs of a possible label, which is, by the way, called judgement. Stereotyping is basically "You're from this school? You're that" "You're from that profession? You're this". I generally don't give a crap, but please Shut up.

Random Thought 2:Judging. We all do it. We are all guilty. You know you do it, while you're reading this you're probably judging me. Doesn't matter , really. The key is to know whose comments to care about. You have to learn to pick people very carefully. Because if you care about what everyone say, Good luck. It's going to be a very sad life. I happen to care a lot about what I think of myself. Yes, I am an egomaniac.


Random Thought 3: My not so new obsession is still current, although it's starting to die down.

Random Thought4: It is easier to accomplish a one hour job faster when you think you only have 30 mins.

Random Thought 5: I want to go to China. I want to see the Water Cube stand on its end.

Random Thought 6: I NEED tickets to the Eheads Reunion. Maybe the adrenaline rush will take care of clots obstructing the flow of thoughts in my brain

Random Thought 7: Ely sang Tuwing Umuulan the best.

Random Thought 8: I haven't seen Dark Knight. I'm annoyed.

Random Thought 9: Who played Rorschach?

Random Thought 10: Saan nakakabili ng Ely (not the singing kind)

Random Thought 11: I forgot what number 11 is.

Clearly unfinished. When I feel like it, maybe I'll finish. Or maybe when I start to remember,

...

Happy 28th Birthday, Harry Potter.

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I thought it died on me.

It didn't.

Sometimes I wished it did.

Or it would.

Would have been easier.


Methinks:
A lot of things die on me or fade away while I will it not to. A lot of things continue to bother me while I will it not to. The fun part is not that it dies on me or bothers me. I just love that it is exactly the opposite of what I wished it would be.

Not so independent on Independence Day

Sure we're talking about our country's independence. But I'm vain, I like to talk about mine.

I am unemployed, and no longer loving it. I think you only enjoy being a bum when you have someone to pay for your vacations and all your whims. I don't. Ergo, I'd like to start working. Although, I don't want to work just because I need to. Fortunately, I'd like to work because I want to and I need to. Of course that doesn't necessarily mean it's easy to get a job. Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

What I know for sure is that I'm babbling---which I'm very good at.

I have attained my Master's Degree in Babbling and I have this blog as proof.

I also happen to be a Registered Bum and I have extra extra pounds and this blog to prove it.

As always I am veering away from my topic of Independence. The same way i veer away from everything else. A couple of weeks ago I'm smiling not because I have something to smile about but because I'm silly. Now the sillyness is losing its charm. I'd like another silly reason to smile.

I just remembered, I'm not so dependent anymore. I booked myself a flight a couple of days ago (but i didn't pay for it). Wandered around the airport alone for hours because I'm too early for the flight. I didn't get lost. It's not my fault they gave me the wrong gate number. Landed on a foreign airport without getting lost too. Boarded a flight home on the same airport after a very long walk to the gate. Made the right decision to buy food on the last snack bar on the way to the gate. And managed to read away 5to6 hours of waiting. See, I'm not so dependent. I 'm just broke.

I really need a job. Before I get my Doctorate on Babbling.

Musings

Now I know why I'm drawn to you,

Because I will never have you.

Stranger, stranger

Extremely interesting?
Or extremely boring?
Take your pick.
You're somewhere in between
I don't like that.
Although your tendency
to be one of the two extremes
continue to intrigue me.
If you don't tip towards one side,
I'll lose my buzz in about two weeks.
Give or take a few days.