Coffee Spills. It. Stains. You

Musings

2011-10-07T01:29:00.000-05:00

Things happen for a reason i know. I am trying to work things out for myself cause i dont ever want to question the things that are happening in my life. I want to be able to accept, to understand. To accept that i cant understand everything.

I dont ever want to ask myself, 'what have i done with my life?'

Life is too short. Cliche. But i want to live. And living for me means moving towards something, whatever that maybe. It would be nice to matter. It may be egocentric, but knowing you are making some sort of difference is comforting.

I dont want to be validated by other people. I need to know my worth.

This is my 2nd week on vacation. Things are only starting to dawn on me. I'm being selfish but i need to work on me. Now.

I can't say it but Adele can

2011-04-27T03:36:00.002-05:00

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
lose myself in time just thinking of your face
God only knows why it's taking me so long
to let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try to forget your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

Have I been on your mind?
You hang on every word I say, lose yourself in time
At the mention of my name,
will I ever know
How it feels to hold you close
And have you tell me which ever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling every word, I've imagined it all,
You'll never know if you never tried to forgive your past
And simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile
Until the end starts

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart
I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

I know it ain't easy
Giving up your heart

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worth it to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance

To prove I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

2 minutes lang yan

2011-04-15T07:58:00.003-05:00

I like you in a more than a friend kind of way. I don't know what changed or when exactly it happened. It was probably between the stress of reviewing for the board exams, finishing planning, work and all little things. I know there is nothing remotely romantic lost between the 2 of us. When we talk, it does not even sound like friendship. I just need to say this, I have a bet with myself saying I can.

I don't need any speech consoling me. We don't see each other regularly so it should not be awkward.

I ramble in my head when I try to organize these thoughts . But I'm pretty sure with whatever message I want to convey.

2 minutes lang e. Di pa ko pinakinggan. Tanga ko talaga magtext.

CTRL Z

2011-04-05T13:58:00.001-05:00

Need to relearn a lot of things, need to undo my knowledge of you. Everytime i think of you, i lose track of where i am heading. And so i need to undo you.

I was hoping you will get to where i am now. If there was any chance you're bound to get there, you will have gotten there by now.

My analytical mind is telling me exactly the right thing to do. My mending heart is begging me to stay. My heart keeps telling me i cant stand to lose you. My mind is telling me i have nothing anyway.

And so i am back where i started. Thinking i had things figured out. Thanks for the company while it lasted. You win some, you learn some. And you are my lesson for tonight.

Sit down beside me

2011-04-04T08:43:00.000-05:00

I miss you. I actually long to sit beside you. To grab a cup of coffee and talk nonsense. Or not talk at all.

It's crazy that i miss you like this. But i do. I could spend the whole day thinking about how much i miss you if i had nothing better to do. I rarely do.

I don't understand why.I can't do anything about it. And so it goes.

I'm not sure what hurts more. Missing you or knowing you don't miss me too,

I hope

2011-02-14T07:38:00.002-06:00

I hope to be found by someone.
I hope to find someone.
Who will hold my hand as we stroll the mall and won't leave me behind.
Who has me on his mind not only when he needs company.
Who makes me feel special.

I don't mean to sound bitter.
When I'm with you, I get the opposite of these.
But it makes me long more for that someone.

I hope to meet you soon.
3

Danger

2011-02-13T06:55:00.001-06:00

I. Need. To. Stop. Checking. Facebook.

2011-01-28T07:28:00.001-06:00

Currently under repair..

I miss you like hell

2011-01-23T05:53:00.003-06:00

When I go strolling at the mall.
When I walk by the arcade.
When I sit at a coffee shop.
When I drink coffee.
When I am awake.

I miss you

2011-01-17T20:04:00.001-06:00

...

2011-01-08T10:20:00.003-06:00

some questions do not get answers because they were a little too late.

some words do not have the same impact because they were a little too late.

won't care until emotions are thawed.

When I allowed myself the tears, I forgot to write. Now that you're a closed chapter, the words are back

2010-12-30T10:33:00.003-06:00

I will make you hate me
More than you thought possible
For you will never love me
The way I hoped you would
Start saving your tears
For you will cry for me

-reposting

...

2010-12-30T10:24:00.000-06:00

Don't let me fall. I just want to be happy and smile with my eyes.

...

2010-12-28T07:58:00.001-06:00

Para ko na lang kausap ang sarili ko. Useless na nandyan ka, di na kita marinig

Gising na!

2010-12-28T03:30:00.002-06:00

Gising na ko sa katotohanan na tama sila. Yung iba sa kanila, tama. Nung sinabi nilang mali to, tama sila.

Nung inisip kong baka tama ako, nagkamali ako.

Hindi pala ko gising nung inisip ko yun, hindi pala ikaw ang nakita ko nun. Ibang tao pala yun, yun yung akala ko ikaw.

Nagkamali nanaman ako.

Okay lang siguro, ulit na lang ulit.

Tulog ulit?

Delirious

2010-12-27T06:00:00.001-06:00

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.

Paulo Coelho

Quitters never win

2010-12-21T02:21:00.001-06:00

Should you quit before the game is even over?

Sana maiwan na to sa 2010

2010-12-15T02:17:00.003-06:00

Dati parang ang hirap hanapin ng taong mukhang tama para sayo. O, ang bagal dumating ng taong para sayo.

Mas mahirap pala kapag ikaw ang hindi tama para sa taong nagpapasaya sayo. Ano naman kung hindi sya yung tama, kung hindi pa sya yung 'the one'? Ok lang yun, diba? Ang importante yung napapasaya ka niya kahit wala syang gawin.

E pano nga kung hindi ka naman tama para sa kanya. Unfair bang ikaw lang ang masaya...

Kung sabagay, quits lang siguro kasi wala naman syang pakialam. Kung iisipin mo mas ok nga yun, diba? Di mo kelangan umeffort, di rin sya umeeffort. Sakto lang.

Kaso nasasaktan ka pa rin no? Kapag nakikita mong nahihirapan sya, kaibigan ka e. Ayaw mong nasasaktan mga kaibigan mo. Pero nasasaktan ka din kapag nakikita mong hindi mo kayang bawasan man lang yung sakit. Gusto mo sana magvolunteer. Ikaw na lang, pero alam mo naman ng di ka sapat. In other words, useless ka.

So anong gagawin mo, kapag napapasaya ka nya kahit nasasaktan ka? Hindi naman nya kasalanang nahuhulog ka di ba?

Magtitiyaga ka ba sa kung ano na lang makuha mo? Wala ka naman ibang pagkakaabalahan e. Yun lang, nung huli mo ginawa yan, para kang nagmumog at lumunok ng basag na bote ng red horse. Duguan at may tama sa huli.

Timing

2010-12-02T00:20:00.002-06:00

Hindi naman ako humihingi ng signs. Namesake mo yung katabi ko sa coffeeshop. Song mo yung tinutugtog sa store. Nasa coffeeshop ako, inaassociate kita dito. Magulo lang.

Hindi ako humihingi ng signs. So hindi to sign, nakikita Lang
Kita sa maraming bagay. Hassle!

Lost and dumb

2010-11-30T23:32:00.003-06:00

Andami dami dami dami dami dami kong gusto sabihin sayo. Di ko alam kung pano sisimulan, di ko lam kung pano tatapusin.

Ang totoo hindi ko rin maintindihan.

Ang alam ko lang masaya ko kapag nandyan ka, dun lang ako sigurado.

Ok lang kaya yun?

Fishing

2010-11-14T08:03:00.002-06:00

Do you know how sharks are caught? They use a J hook, I think. They put buoys on the line steadily increasing the drag. They let you swim away thinking you'll be able to escape. Just when you thought you are free, they pull you in, you struggle a bit, and they let you go again. It goes on for a while until you're too tired to put up a fight. That's when they reel you in.

That's how hearts get caught. And you rarely get out unscathed.

About as sweet as I can get...

2010-11-10T05:05:00.001-06:00

You know what is funny about this post? It's that in 5 seconds you will realize this is not about you, stupid.

...

2010-11-08T07:06:00.002-06:00

Everyone hates having second thoughts. I especially hate having second thoughts about something that I need to do. Something I want badly a few months ago. I'm not sure what changed, cold feet? Stress, pressure. I'm not sure giving myself time is working. I think I have given myself enough time. Things should have worked itself out by now.

Boo me. If things do not pan out in the next few days, all efforts will be wasted.

Soon...

2010-11-07T21:10:00.001-06:00

When you make a move towards something you want, you have to keep trying. When it does not make a move towards you, you try again. You try until you succeed, not when you get tired and not when someone tells you to stop.

But you have to stop at some point. Not on a preset date, not on an agreed upon finish line. You stop when you know it is time.

You stop when you’re moving towards something that keeps moving away. You stop when you are no longer the same person moving towards the same thing. You stop when you can no longer find a silly explanation to keep moving towards it.

You stop when you’re no longer learning. You stop when you’re no longer happy.

Sometimes I get too attached..

2010-11-07T06:45:00.000-06:00

I need a little you to keep in my pocket.

I don't need perfection

2010-11-06T07:24:00.001-05:00

The one who will empower you to be who you want to be.
The one who will bring out the best in you.
The one who will make you realize you are complete on your own.
The one who will make all your days worth looking forward to.
The one who will argue endlessly with you about mundane things.
The one who will stand by you no matter how wrong he thinks you are.
The one who will point out all these wrong things once you are together in private.
The one who will love the things you hate most about yourself.
The one who will love you.
The one.

Reposting for the next semester

2010-10-26T03:46:00.000-05:00

I used to and still do, live my life vicariously. I have been doing so and enjoying it for the better half of my life which makes trying to live life first hand all the more harder. Lucky me, although college can be tough it has soft spots that always know where to find you.

The Syllabus

Subject: College Life
Classroom: Above ground and just below the clouds
Time: Depends how long you want to stay
Professor: Everyone you meet along the way
Objective: To make sure all emotions are accounted for before you decide to leave.
Disclaimer: Not all modules are guaranteed to be taught, learned or understood by the conclusion of the subject. It all depends on you.

Module 1:
Everything ends with their right side up. Lots of things happen that rock your world, sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. The good thing about life is that it’s closer to a dice than to a boat. When a boat gets rocked by the waves and winds sometimes it ends up cap sized. You get trapped inside then probably drown. A dice when rolled may not always give you the high number or the low number you need. But essentially, it gives you a number to work with. I guess that means it’s not a trap. And I guess that means the universe—or multiverse always has a way of straightening things out.

Module 2:
Friends always come through somehow. I have great respect for the people who can call themselves Friends. I happen to end up with what I would call the Licensed Friends, Elite group. They are all skillfully trained in the art of Friendship combat. If you must know, Licensed Friends have every right to call themselves Friends. They have gone through a rigorous training of banter, story-telling, listening to your stories, singing, dancing, arguing, reminding you of what needs to be noted, forgetting your mishaps, helping you forget. They also have Extra Loud laughter for laugh-atons and Reinforced shoulders for crying sessions.

Module 3:
Sometimes you have to tunnel your way through. The multiverse is not a series of doors that open when you knock. There are those that you need to barge your way into. And then there are those that just won’t budge. In which case, tunnel your way through. They say it’s the journey and not the destination that matters. In the end you can say “It wasn’t a smooth ride, there were lots of bumpy paths and sticky mishaps but it was definitely a better ride”

Module 4:
Trusting people is not easy, but sometimes you just have try. You know that feeling when you think there’s one more step when you’re climbing stairs then you realize there’s none. Remember that weird feeling in the tummy? That’s how scary trusting people are, only a hundred times weirder. There could be 10 people you will trust, odds are 9 will let you down. But when you get to that 1 person worth trusting, the other 9 are all worth trying.

Module 5:
Compromise. You never get everything in this life delivered in a bubble wrap. Sometimes you get things all broken, sometimes with missing pieces. Sometimes you can try piecing them back together. Sometimes you can try and find the missing pieces. And sometimes you just have to let it go. Not everything comes in neat perfect packages but they always come with instructions. That instruction always says the same thing: “It’s up to you to make it perfect.”

Module 6:
Some lessons are better learned first hand. Vicarious pleasure, vicarious living is fun. But Life can become an addiction and when venturing into battle second hand lessons are not always the best set of armament. Sometimes scars are the best reminders of lessons learned. Sometimes they even hurt just enough to keep you from making the same mistake.

Module 7:
Be true to yourself no matter how cliché it may sound. It’s so much easier to get lost in a crowd knowing who you are than being in a room all alone without knowing what’s inside

Module 8:
I shall quote Dumbledore on this, “It is our choices that show who we truly are far more than our abilities.” Talent is something you are born with (although sometimes I wonder if that is true). But then talent is not going to make things happen. Even a vessel overflowing with fuel is not going to move unless someone turns the ignition. You have to make the choice even if the choice seems unlikely. And when the choice is made, you have to make it the right choice.

Module 9:
Lessons never stop coming until you stop learning, the same way that air is always present until you decide to stop breathing it in. You have to make the choice to accept. You cannot always be sure of the outcome of things, you just have to try. Sometimes things fall into pieces, at times smaller and at times bigger. Open your eyes and pick the lesson, they often are labeled Lesson Learned, we are just too scared to see.

Module 10:
Review all past modules and get ready for a practical exam.

Exam Instructions: Lifelong exam consists of an infinite number of questions. Answer honestly. No need to cheat because you will never find the answer sheet. All points are awarded for effort. Have fun because this is the only exam that will matter.

I'm sorry but it's over now

2010-09-26T08:46:00.002-05:00

It feels so good to start breathing, smiling, living again.

I constantly find myself reverting back to my old self, anticipating loss. Well, I do the inversion to put more blood to my brain. It actually works. I'm in that place now where your head is clear enough to look back and start picking up the lessons learned. Or at least the lessons you refused to learn.

I still find myself going back to my old ways, I need to start putting post its everywhere to remind me what to do.I'm just glad I remember to stop doing the things that make someone I do not want to be.

I have 1 lesson reinforced this week: Self pity, low self esteem, it's unattractive. It doesn't hurt to have insecurities here and there, I guess it is normal. But when you're from the outside looking in, you just see how it can negatively affect something that is good to begin with. Looks like "fake it till you make it" is not such a bad mantra, in the meantime.

That guy up there, his timing is impeccable, you just have to let go and trust him.

I love seeing myself smile again.

Are you happy today? I know I am.

Inversion

2010-09-13T05:50:00.002-05:00

The head is naturally above your heart for good reason. Just like in yoga, sometimes you need to do an inversion, to get more blood to your head and help you think clearer.

I always used my head, and somehow always got left behind. I always ended up using my heart way too late.

I'm using my heart now. I'm not sure where it is leading me. But somehow, waking up everyday not having to argue with myself is quite refreshing. Getting that smile on my face is no longer a task.

I'm gonna be happy while you're around or while I'm around you. I'm not gonna get ahead of myself and anticipate losing you. I'm just going to be happy.

When the time comes one of us has to leave, it will not feel like something is ending. It will just mean it's time to open another chapter. A happy chapter.

Moving forward

2010-09-07T05:05:00.001-05:00

You have become the past.

2010-08-12T06:53:00.002-05:00

Who was I when you were standing there in your spot? I forget..

2010-03-14T21:04:00.000-05:00

Kung di ka importante d ako magsasayang ng panahon sayo. Iilan lang kayo na may pakialam ko. Di naman mahirap initindihin diba?

Wala akong pakialam kung anong career ang gusto nyo i-pursue kasi choice mo yun. Sana lang di mo ginagawa yun ng nakapikit. Masakit ka sa ulo. Ma mimiss kita. Wala ng manggugulo sakin. Sana alam mo yung ginagawa mo para alam mo kung pano gawing tama,

At wag ka sinungaling nakakainis yun. Walang masama kung sabihin mo na di mo alam. Pero kung alam mo naman talaga hassle ka.

Ewan

This should not be my New Year's Post

2010-01-12T18:46:00.002-06:00

I wish I can come up with an entry that can start the year right. I can't. I just realized that everytime I hear the song Nothing's gonna stop us now I feel like there is something wrong with my insides.

As always

2009-11-26T21:16:00.003-06:00

Strangely enough, my efforts to make things last, made things worse. I just lost my grip on the last few strands of a friendship I hoped to save. I guess I didn't try hard enough. I guess I failed as a friend.

What to do?

2009-11-25T19:40:00.001-06:00

This would be so much easier if i hate you, but I don't.

This is as close as I can get to loving you

2009-10-05T01:01:00.003-05:00

I'm never gonna be able to tell you.And I messed up the chance I had to show you. You never asked for it, and you never seemed to care for it. It would be utter stupidity to tell you now given the situation. It's like giving away something you never thought you can share with anyone and asking them to break it.

I never told you how I feel because I was afraid of it. And because I wasn't asking for anything in return. I was happy the way things were. And besides, I can't be the perfect girl you were looking for. I was afraid if I told you, you might mistake it for me waiting for reciprocation. So I held back. I have to struggle everyday to keep myself in check. To not give myself away. I was constantly fighting the fear of losing you if I loved you too much.

It hurts. Too much. I'm not even sure why. Seeing you find the girl I always knew you were bound to find. I guess it hurts more because I am not even part of that picture the way I hoped I can be. A friend. That's the least I can be, right? I guess not. I hear stories about you from other people. They are the ones who know you more than I do now. It was partly my fault, I know. I was not the perfect friend when I had the chance to be. I was always holding back. I was not able to make you feel that you made me happy.

I have friends. I have friends who are patient enough to stand by me. I have friends who make me happy. I just wish you were still one of them. One of the few people who really make me happy.

I hate regret because it is useless. It is just a waste of time. I would rather try and make up for the mistakes I made. But I don't know how. I miss you like hell. But I guess you have her now to listen to your stories. And in terms of being a friend, I guess she has so much more to give than I can. And this is what you've been dreaming of, to have a family. I heard that's also her dream. I hope she makes you happy.I hope you make each other happy.

Sometimes I wish I can be more like you. I've always felt like you were someone who could love. And show it. I can't. I have to learn how to do that. That's on my list.
This is the best I can do now. To tell you I love you here where you might not even find it. This is the most my courage will take me. I hope you're happy. Always.

...

2009-09-08T20:22:00.001-05:00

So tell me, if I avoid the things that hurt me, does that make me smart? Smart enough to not hurt myself?

Or does that make me weak? So weak I can't face the things that hurt me.

Methinks

2009-08-23T20:11:00.002-05:00

I thought I was moving forward. Maybe not,

I lost track of why I do the things I do. And now I wonder if I'm defeating my own purpose.

Maybe I should just do it. Get it over with. Maybe then I'll start moving again. I should really just stop analyzing things. What's to lose anyway...

Things couldn't get worse right?

'I love you' is a statement not a question. There's no answer to a statement only comments.

2009-08-15T20:13:00.002-05:00

Lord sana walang nagaganap na lokohan. Ayoko na niloloko ako at mas lalo na ayokong niloloko ang mga taong mahal ko.

...

2009-08-11T20:07:00.002-05:00

I know happiness is a choice. I've heard other people say it, i've heard myself say it to others. I think it is a choice just like everything else is.

But what do you do when it's so much easier to fall into that pit of sadness? Or that everytime you try to be okay, you just slip on your own tears?

Ansakit sakit na.

2009-08-10T21:38:00.001-05:00

Condescending much?

2009-08-09T20:33:00.003-05:00

I don't like thinking ill of others. I always try to believe and at times, force myself to believe they have good intentions. I try. That does not mean I'm always successful.

I don't like being forced into a decision. I don't like words being put in my mouth. I don't like being put on the spot.

I am afraid it is time to detach. I hate the idea that I might lose, I might end up giving up what I was fighting for just because I do not like the person beside you. I'm tired.

Hey, Neil!

2009-08-03T01:03:00.000-05:00

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."

...

2009-07-30T21:15:00.004-05:00

I am in a very weird place. It's like quicksand. Don't move and you sink. Make a move towards something and you sink quicker. See, it doesn't really matter. You're gonna drown anyway. It's just a matter of time.

2009-07-27T23:13:00.003-05:00

I will be laughing at all this in a couple of months. Or before the year ends, tops. That's a commitment to myself. But until then, laughter and smiles will be a luxury.

Stolen from an unknown author in the world wide web

2009-07-27T20:37:00.001-05:00

Ask me why I keep on loving you when it's clear that you don't feel the same way for me... the problem is that as much as I can't force you to love me, I can't force myself to stop loving you.

...

I’m going to stay for as long as there is reason to stay because I am afraid that when I leave there is no coming back.

When I decide it's time to walk away, it won't be because I stopped loving you. It's not because of the pain. I'm gonna stay as long as you want me to stay. Without waiting for anything in return.

I loved you then without realizing that was what I was doing, feeling. Without pain. I'm going back to that place, where it is possible to love. I'm going back to that place where I can feel without being hurt. As long as the you I've come know is still there, I will go back. I don't care how painful the process is going to be.

But when I feel that that place, the person has long gone. I will leave.I was only enduring the pain for the friendship I thought existed. And there's no point in staying if that was not even there in the first place.

I tried.

2009-07-23T20:26:00.003-05:00

The only thing I never did was to put my feelings in words. To let the actual words escape. To verbalize it.

Whatever I did, it was the only way I knew how. It's underwhelming, I know. It's lacking. It's not enough. It probably didn't even come across as feelings.

I didn't know how to show it. But I was trying.

It's difficult not knowing how to make people realize that they make you happy. That the thought of losing them haunts you ever time you're alone with your thoughts.

But it's harder to lose the person before you have the time to figure out what you actually feel.

I am sarcastic

2009-07-20T22:26:00.005-05:00

I told you it would make me sad.
Thanks for doing exactly what I told you not to do.

Thanks for not listening.

Thanks for making me feel that insignificant.
That easy to take forgranted.

Thanks for constantly reminding me that I should learn to trust people.
Thanks for making me feel that trusting people sometimes really is not worth it.

Thanks for pulling me out of my shell
Making me feel vulnerable

Thanks for pouring ice cold water over my emotions

Naturally

2009-07-02T22:45:00.004-05:00

I like seeing you smile. Whoever, whatever is making you smile.

I'm missing it now. And I haven't even lost it yet.

Pulled from under, hitting nothing

2009-07-01T21:34:00.003-05:00

You caught me off guard. I was under the impression that I was prepared.

I was constantly battling against that happy feeling I get when I see you, when I talk to you, when I’m around you. I was stopping myself from being happy. At some point I realized that being happy was something I have not felt for quite some time. Maybe that’s why it felt so weird. I tried to be all analytical. I tried to figure out if I should stay or go. I figured there’s nothing wrong with being happy. Acquiescence. And then there was that voice in my head constantly sounding the alarm. ‘Stop right there, stupid.’ It was a choice between being happy and being stupid. I decided to be stupidly happy and happily stupid.

But then of course it has to end. In reality nothing really ended. I’m still happy to see you, to talk to you, to be around you. But this time there is that tugging feeling in that area where the heart should be. (More like being torn apart feeling). There is that constant stinging which I can’t quite place, a lump in my throat that is steadily getting harder to swallow. The ground was pulled from under me. That was when I banged my head on nothing and realized you caught me off guard.

I do not understand. I hate not understanding something I thought I was prepared for. I hate hurting for no reason. I hate seeing no wound from where blood could flow. I hate hurting from nowhere.

The original plan was to be happy, to be wounded, to be healed and to go on. And now I can’t find the wound, how the hell am I supposed to heal.

I do not even understand why it’s killing me.

I do not understand why I’m turning emo. And I don’t even know what that means.

Sometimes I break into a song “I wanna get out of this, I wonder is there anything I’m gonna miss”

Sometimes I want to get away and then I realize this is my fault. When I think about it I do not really want to get away from you. Sometimes I wish I listened to that voice in my head, and then I think about what I would have missed. Sometimes I wonder if being happy for a while was worth getting all lost now. I’m still wondering.

It’s a vicious, vicious cycle.

I think I learned a lot in the process. I think I know myself better now. I do not like the ‘me’ I got to know. I think I lost myself long ago and I do not know where to find it. I do not want to get stuck with this version of me. My innate ability to stitch myself back together got lost with the old version of me. I’m getting worse at this game of pretending.

I know it shows. I do not like that. I’m so good at fooling myself into thinking I’m okay. Now, I probably can’t even fool a child. I’m a mess at best.

Do not give me that ‘in 6 months you’ll be fine’ line. I want to be okay now.

Crazy victim

2009-07-01T01:06:00.002-05:00

I need something
From you

I need to know you're happy

I care

2009-06-29T23:53:00.004-05:00

It hurts when people say you don't care. Don't care about anything at all.
It hurts because I do. I care about a lot of things.
I just don't know how to show it.
Or I have my own way of showing it.
But I guess it does not really show.

It hurts.

I want you stay. But I want to hate you.
It comes to a point where it hurts too much
And I honestly wonder why.

I wonder

I want to see you happy. But I wonder why it hurts.
I know I can't be in her place.
Because you'd rather not.
Because I'd rather not.

I guess we see that eye to eye.

I want to stay. I want you to stay.
But I still want to hate you.
That would make things easier.
If I just hate you.

It hurts to wonder why I can't even see eye to eye with myself

So what do I do?
Continue to hurt
Continue to wonder
Continue to stay

Words that will never escape

2009-06-28T22:12:00.007-05:00

Never expected anything in return. Does not plan to.

And still desperately trying to figure out what I'm trying to do.

I hate having to live with the regret of leaving words unsaid.

But that is what I need to do to keep you.

I often wonder, 'Can I really keep you?'

...

2009-06-22T21:21:00.006-05:00

Is it just a struggle between denying something that is already there and preventing yourself from realizing something that you already knew?

If I succeed in denying, in not realizing...

Do I really lose something by holding back? Is it even possible to lose something I never had...

It is...

2009-06-21T19:57:00.003-05:00

I dont like posting song lyrics only because I feel like I should string my own ideas together and should not depend on the thoughts of others. well, this one struck home. So, what the hey

What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let ?em out

I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And havin' so much to say
(Much to say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do, oh
Oh yeah

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
(To say)
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do, ooo

...

2009-06-16T20:04:00.003-05:00

I live for the things that constantly elude me.
I wonder if it will all be worth it.

Victim 3443

2009-05-21T23:59:00.004-05:00

Girl wearing Tear Stained shirt and a Morphine Drip
Whose diary I snatched..

I have gone through all the pages. It was painful. Listening to her words without my inane inserts brings tears to my eyes…

Her opening line was:

I’m writing this so I have something to laugh about in a couple of months. Once I have realized I’m okay, I’ll find this all funny.

I thought alcohol was supposed to make you numb, at least for the time being. Or maybe I wasn’t drunk enough. I didn’t think it allows all the things that you are so good at suppressing to surface. It hurts to be drunk.

Just like thinking about you hurts like hell. Usually, putting pain in words helps. Sort of starts the healing process. This is going to be one long and painful process. And it hasn’t even started yet.

I want to regret a lot of things. I want to regret not being aware. I want to regret not seeing the signs. Want to regret putting off building that wall until I cant even bring myself to draw the line.

I want to hate myself. I want to hate myself more. i want to hate myself for letting myself fall. I want to hate myself for thinking I can manage. Want to hate myself for writing this.

I could not bring myself to regret everything. I could not hate myself more than I already do. I do not want to lose the memory of you and my stint with happiness.

Second…how unlucky

It took a decade to finally want to erase that friendship line I draw around everyone I meet. To meet someone I’ll gladly cross the line for while at the same time being aware of how painful it’s going to end. This is the closest it has felt to the last time. No, I’m not in love. Thank God, or I don’t know if I’ll be capable of writing this had it come to that. Doesn’t matter though. It hurts like hell, still.

I miss being behind the safety of my wall where it’s easier not to get hurt.

I agree with her. A wall is a very convenient way of not being hurt. Also, the easiest way to not be anything at all. That diary of hers has plenty of more painful and tear stained entries. Once I get around to transcribing them I’ll post them here.

I hope this diary has a part two though because I’m not seeing anything that says…

I’m laughing at how sappy and sad I was in my previous entries.

Signing on...

2009-05-21T23:31:00.001-05:00

Time to take some tissue, my nearly dried out pen and a useless, random topic I snatch from a stranger. Snort my favorite ground coffee and put my two cents in a coffee cup.

Sit, just don’t bother my coffee.

Goodbye, indefinitely...

2009-05-21T23:15:00.000-05:00

If is should properly document my everyday life this entry will end here.

Fortunately, I have enough sense in me to try and create a little fun in my world. It has worked quite well for the past so and so years. Just enough to keep me borderline sane. For the past few months now it has been steadily becoming useless. My lalaland is falling apart. I think I invented a character so good that I wish he was real. And by real I mean imperfect…

This is cconfused signing off indefinitely. All future entries shall be credited to this other person I do not really know.

Walking away

2009-05-08T01:22:00.001-05:00

You should never make important decisions while happiness runs amok in your head. It clouds your ability to think straight, objectively, unbiased. It creates faulty parallelism in your thoughts ----and in your sentences. Happiness masks the truth of the impending hurt.

I don’t regret being happy, that would be stupid. I love being happy. I love waking up knowing I don’t need to find a reason to be happy. I just am. But that doesn’t mean it will not hurt. And it hurts like hell. So don’t blame me for being afraid.

I enjoyed the smiles while it lasted. I’m guessing it’s payback time.

Thanks for saying it for me

2009-04-05T02:55:00.001-05:00

I know it's not new, but I still love it.

I Google you
late at night when I don't know what to do
I find photos
you've forgotten
you were in
put up by your friends

I Google you
when the day is done and everything is through
I read your journal
that you kept
that month in France
I've watched you dance

And I'm pleased your name is practically unique
it's only you and
a would-be PhD in Chesapeake
who writes papers on
the structure of the sun
I've read each one

I know that I
should let you fade
but there's that box
and there's your name
somehow it never makes the pain
grow less or fade or disappear
I think that I should save my soul and
I should crawl back in my hole
But it's too easy just to fold
and type your name again
I fear
I google you
Whenever I'm alone and feeling blue
And each scrap of information
That I gather
says you've got somebody new
And it really shouldn't matter
ought to blow up my computer
but instead….
I google you

Neil Gaiman

Gee, thanks

2009-03-13T06:25:00.002-05:00

So much for carefully thinking things through. So much for all the hours I spent going through all the 'real life issues' I was so scared of encountering.

I don't want to go through this again. It's will only be fun for a while. Before I know it I'm gonna have to run away and hide, just as always.

I never wanted apathy. But this is a little too overwhelming. My thoughts are swimming in mush, and I'm not getting anything done.

My other life has to go on hiatus. The real world is partially back online.

...

2009-02-04T06:03:00.000-06:00

The real world is on hiatus.

A very late as usual Egoistic Rambling

2008-08-02T11:10:00.005-05:00

Every time my blog is neglected I come up with some excuse like "I have a lot of things to do", "I don't have time to blog". As it turns out I have time, I just have nothing to write about. After a couple of months of being a bum, I realized that I have a lot to write about. I am just plain lazy. I just can't get out of the "waiting for the muses" habit.

My brain is developing networks of cobwebs. Brain dead. Used to get tired just thinking. Not anymore. I get tired wondering what to wonder about. I can't even come up with witty retorts to annoy myself. My brain is in dire need of a project. Unfortunately, this brain I have is very picky. I do have a lot of dusty handouts just waiting to be digested. I just don't feel like it. I am technically out of school. But I chose to study again and now I'm bored out of my wits. It just doesn't seem as fun as I thought it would be. But I have no right to decide whether I'd like to stop. As I've brain cobwebs galore. It's probably just the webs speaking.

Anyway, I have a lot of random thoughts swimming around in my head. And I'm randomly going through them now. First thing to come to mind.

Random Thought 1: Stereotyping. Thank you for judging me. That's what I thought as this guy I just met made a comment that sounded to me as an assumption that I'm just like everyone else. Yellow. I am not. As much as I hate people who stereotype I know I'm guilty of it too. But I withhold assumptions until I see signs of a possible label, which is, by the way, called judgement. Stereotyping is basically "You're from this school? You're that" "You're from that profession? You're this". I generally don't give a crap, but please Shut up.

Random Thought 2:Judging. We all do it. We are all guilty. You know you do it, while you're reading this you're probably judging me. Doesn't matter , really. The key is to know whose comments to care about. You have to learn to pick people very carefully. Because if you care about what everyone say, Good luck. It's going to be a very sad life. I happen to care a lot about what I think of myself. Yes, I am an egomaniac.

Random Thought 3: My not so new obsession is still current, although it's starting to die down.

Random Thought4: It is easier to accomplish a one hour job faster when you think you only have 30 mins.

Random Thought 5: I want to go to China. I want to see the Water Cube stand on its end.

Random Thought 6: I NEED tickets to the Eheads Reunion. Maybe the adrenaline rush will take care of clots obstructing the flow of thoughts in my brain

Random Thought 7: Ely sang Tuwing Umuulan the best.

Random Thought 8: I haven't seen Dark Knight. I'm annoyed.

Random Thought 9: Who played Rorschach?

Random Thought 10: Saan nakakabili ng Ely (not the singing kind)

Random Thought 11: I forgot what number 11 is.

Clearly unfinished. When I feel like it, maybe I'll finish. Or maybe when I start to remember,

...

2008-07-30T21:26:00.002-05:00

Happy 28th Birthday, Harry Potter.

Error 341913124

2008-06-25T10:49:00.002-05:00

I thought it died on me.

It didn't.

Sometimes I wished it did.

Or it would.

Would have been easier.

Methinks:
A lot of things die on me or fade away while I will it not to. A lot of things continue to bother me while I will it not to. The fun part is not that it dies on me or bothers me. I just love that it is exactly the opposite of what I wished it would be.

Not so independent on Independence Day

2008-06-12T00:42:00.003-05:00

Sure we're talking about our country's independence. But I'm vain, I like to talk about mine.

I am unemployed, and no longer loving it. I think you only enjoy being a bum when you have someone to pay for your vacations and all your whims. I don't. Ergo, I'd like to start working. Although, I don't want to work just because I need to. Fortunately, I'd like to work because I want to and I need to. Of course that doesn't necessarily mean it's easy to get a job. Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

What I know for sure is that I'm babbling---which I'm very good at.

I have attained my Master's Degree in Babbling and I have this blog as proof.

I also happen to be a Registered Bum and I have extra extra pounds and this blog to prove it.

As always I am veering away from my topic of Independence. The same way i veer away from everything else. A couple of weeks ago I'm smiling not because I have something to smile about but because I'm silly. Now the sillyness is losing its charm. I'd like another silly reason to smile.

I just remembered, I'm not so dependent anymore. I booked myself a flight a couple of days ago (but i didn't pay for it). Wandered around the airport alone for hours because I'm too early for the flight. I didn't get lost. It's not my fault they gave me the wrong gate number. Landed on a foreign airport without getting lost too. Boarded a flight home on the same airport after a very long walk to the gate. Made the right decision to buy food on the last snack bar on the way to the gate. And managed to read away 5to6 hours of waiting. See, I'm not so dependent. I 'm just broke.

I really need a job. Before I get my Doctorate on Babbling.

Musings

2008-06-12T00:28:00.001-05:00

Now I know why I'm drawn to you,

Because I will never have you.

Stranger, stranger

2008-06-02T05:34:00.004-05:00

Extremely interesting?
Or extremely boring?
Take your pick.
You're somewhere in between
I don't like that.
Although your tendency
to be one of the two extremes
continue to intrigue me.
If you don't tip towards one side,
I'll lose my buzz in about two weeks.
Give or take a few days.

as of this moment

2008-04-08T10:26:00.002-05:00

I am shuffling between the laptop and the phone. (Not a lot of shuffling going on, really). Nothing important, just connecting. I missed doing something that will end not with me opening my gmail and yahoomail and websites that i dont really like, over and over until I realize "Ok, wasting my time again."

I actually am doing something, and I'm getting a headache. But I'm not complaining.

I'm still alive

Some facebook quiz

2008-03-22T08:05:00.001-05:00

Your Love, You are quite unlucky in love. You are loved by someone you don't like while your dream person is so far away. Your love life is occasionally under turbulence. Sometimes you don't have the clear view of the guy/gal in your heart.

What??

...

2008-03-20T12:06:00.001-05:00

I. Never. Let. Go.

Good luck,

a very very old post from the bin

2008-03-19T01:47:00.001-05:00

Death Cab for Cutie
Oasis
Broken Social Scene
U2
My Chemical Romance
Snow Patrol
A little bit of Morcheeba and Everything but the girl

Thanks for keeping me awake during the CAD marathon and ‘freehanding session’. I emerged alive with a numb bottom, shaky hands and barely sane.

Of course, that doesn’t mean it was one hell of a great plate…it just meant i’m still alive.

I wonder whose music will keep me alert, awake, alive, enthusiastic for the final plate and more importantly, for the T.H.E.S.I.S.

Give me music that echoes the hums in my head.

hi, I kill you

2008-03-13T10:18:00.004-05:00

Browsing, browsing, browsing.

I open my ym message archive. Lo and behold, the beginnings of a serial killer.

A: can you kill him ?

B: i'm near enough to cause him pain. i presume that crime is scheduled after E day?

A: ahahaha

B: i'll skin him alive for you using the dullest potato peeler i could find

A: hahaha

A: im sure ill find soemthing torturesome to do to -bleep- too

B: make him talk, i swear that's gonna kill him

Disclaimer: The conversation has been edited, without affecting the final outcome, to ensure that the future victims are kept unaware of their predicament.

What I should have said when I was complaining

2008-03-11T11:32:00.003-05:00

2007 was a year for the books. My books at least. A definite bad year, I was one of the people who was thankfully saying goodbye to 2007 as it parted. I was hoping of a change, a big change as 2008 says hello.

I was looking back at the year that was. It was The Thesis Year. Everything is connected with the Thesis. Everything. Thesis is a whole different story. This entry is for the surprise I found while looking back at 2007. This is a big Thank you for 2007, the year that had me on knees… but made sure I did not keel over.

Thank you 2007!

I hope I don’t see you again, hahaha.

This entry is most definitely a Thank you, to the people who knew just when to be there. Sometimes not even physically, sometimes just in my thoughts. Sometimes they are not even aware of how much they’ve held me together at the most trying times. Sometimes just thinking of them keeps me from giving up

Thank you!

Thank you, Zeroes.

Nikki, Marie, Eveth, Koko, Gigs, Nancy, Mike. (And special mention to Jel and Marionne. Jel! Nandun ka! At Marionne kahit wala ka dun, parang nandun ka na rin.) I have gotten into the habit of withholding names in my entries. I decided you have been way too important for me to withhold your names. I wonder what life without Zeroes would be. I shudder at the thought.

I do not only Thank you but I love you, seriously or rather siriusly.

From the simple ‘Ok ka lang?’ to ‘Kaya mo yan!’ to ‘Konti na lang’. You have no idea how much help you’ve been. And for that, I can never thank you enough. Just the thought of reaching the end --- or the beginning together with you guys is enough for me to at least try. I’ve long accepted the fact that trying doesn’t necessarily entail winning. But I’d risk the risky trying part.

Again, a very many, big, heartfelt and all the good-words-you’ll-find-in-the-thesaurus Thanks to all of the Zeroes.

I shall look forward to all our future brunches, lunches, coffee breaks, dinners, overnights (where everyone falls asleep :D) chili cons, quesadillas, and what-have-yous.

I shall look forward to all the storytelling and frolicking without the interference of plates. I guess now work or the lack thereof will be the hindrance. I hope that is not the case. The same way that deadlines were not enough to keep us from our ‘tambay mode’, or ‘kwento mode’ or ‘fun and games mode’.

I hope to see you at the next bend or street or road or block or intersection.

Thank you to all the old friends who somehow understood my missing-in-action mode. I know, I know. I kept declining invitations for free food (can you imagine me declining), short dinners and catching ups. Let just say it is some sort of self-preservation. And that is something only I will understand.

Thank you for understanding.

Thank you for being part of the Life before the College Life. Thank you for making that Life the best it could possibly be so that when tough times arrive I have a nice place to go back to.

Thank you for being there. Even though I don’t call on you guys often just the thought that you have Friends is comforting enough.

I’m sending out Thank yous and I love yous.

Thank you to my Thesis adviser and 2 professors who have been very helpful and accommodating. I shall name them Prof. A and Prof B. I’ve always wanted Prof. B to be my adviser, I was actually praying for it. A second before draw lots I changed the prayer I’ve been saying for a while to ‘Lord, give me an adviser who will be able to help me’. And he did. I had a lot of apprehensions about The Adviser. I wondered why God picked him I realized during the ‘hanging-in-a-balance-moment of my thesis. I am so lucky. Thank you, Sir.

I consulted with Prof.B just once. And he only had one line. And I broke down. It wasn’t even about what he said. I guess he told me what I needed to hear even though I didn’t really know what I wanted to hear. Well there you go. You pointed out the problem that I have been trying to find. Thank you.

Prof. A. has always been up there in the Thank you list. The interest you’ve shown and your willingness to help has been one of the key things that kept me from giving up. How can you give up when someone actually believes in you? The videos have helped, the links have helped. Everything helped. Thank you

To Ar2, my blockmates, Thank you. That scary room felt like home. It was a rather nice feeling looking at familiar faces as you stand to get criticized. Thank you for the support, for carrying my boards, for everything. Thank you for all the great times inside whatever classroom we're on. For the fun times as we desperately try not to fail, sometimes. For making those terror professors ordinary people. For making unbearable subjects bearable. Thank you for making The College Life a great life. We shall see each other soon. Soon.

To all the people who I’ve never met in person but were just names in my email address book, Thank you. Thank you for taking the time to answer questions of a panicky thesis student.

To all the people I’ve met along the way who have been so willing to help someone they don’t know, Thank you. Maybe we shall meet again.

To the people of the print shop or print shops, Thank you. Thank you for constantly asking ‘Anong oras ba deadline mo??’ and being constantly shocked that I’ve already missed by deadline. hahaha Maybe I should bring you lunch some time.

To the people who helped put my half-baked ideas on digital files and eventually on the big boards, Thank you. Thank you for putting up with the flooding of text messages and PMs about changes, redos and what-have-yous. Thank you for putting up with the ‘I need this now’ message and the sungit mode. Thank you for sharing the zombie state and the ‘hilo’ state. I shall not skimp on thankyous because I already got my number 1 wish for this year. One of you said ‘Masarap gumgraduate ng March’ nonchalantly. But that is one of the best reminders I’ve gotten this year. I thought I knew then what that means. Now, I know that I know what that means. Thank you for reminding me.

To all the people I have not specifically thanked, Thank you.

To that guy up there, Thank you. Thank you for somehow working things out every time I get things all tangled up. Thank you for listening to my endless rants about giving up, to my endless complaints and whys?? Thank you for constantly clearing up my clouded mind. Thank you for berating me when I gave up. Thank you for reminding me of what I really want. Thank you for gluing me back together every time I break myself. Thank you for all the wonderful people you throw along my path. I love them all, you know. Keep ‘em coming :D

I know you take care of everyone, but please take extra care of these people I thanked and I love, please. That is the only way I can ever come close to repaying them. And for that, I shall again Thank you.

Just stay there, ok.

Addendum:
Oh, and before I forgot Thank you, World and your dear friend Life. I have constantly tried to elude you but you have been very patient. And for that, I Thank you. See you on the same side because I don’t really believe the grass is greener on the other side, :D

Not when stolen pictures are all I have

2008-03-11T09:47:00.001-05:00

I think I've forgotten how to write.

Oh Life, please don't take this away from me. I live for this. Once all the images and all the made up stories have disintigrated, this is all I have.

Please don't take it away from me.

Please do not make me resort to Apathy, not now. Not when I can't afford to.

I try

2008-03-11T09:22:00.004-05:00

I do my best to accept that there are things I can never have. I know now to just let things happen, most times, sometimes. I understand that now for somehow the things I thought were already impossible are handed out to me. Definitely not on a silver platter but still handed out to me.

...

2008-03-03T08:40:00.004-06:00

'the pressure will be relieved'...

what exactly is pressure?? i said i've never been this scared before,
now i say i've never been this lost before.

willing to learn but scared shit of responsibility. how the hell am i gonna make it out there?

note to y:
kasalanan mo to e, kung ano ano sinasabi mo.

Lessons above ground and just below the clouds

2008-02-29T11:32:00.002-06:00

I used to and still do, live my life vicariously. I have been doing so and enjoying it for the better half of my life which makes trying to live life first hand all the more harder. Lucky me, although college can be tough it has soft spots that always know where to find you.

The Syllabus

Subject: College Life
Classroom: Above ground and just below the clouds
Time: Depends how long you want to stay
Professor: Everyone you meet along the way
Objective: To make sure all emotions are accounted for before you decide to leave.
Disclaimer: Not all modules are guaranteed to be taught, learned or understood by the conclusion of the subject. It all depends on you.

Module 1:
Everything ends with their right side up. Lots of things happen that rock your world, sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. The good thing about life is that it’s closer to a dice than to a boat. When a boat gets rocked by the waves and winds sometimes it ends up cap sized. You get trapped inside then probably drown. A dice when rolled may not always give you the high number or the low number you need. But essentially, it gives you a number to work with. I guess that means it’s not a trap. And I guess that means the universe—or multiverse always has a way of straightening things out.

Module 2:
Friends always come through somehow. I have great respect for the people who can call themselves Friends. I happen to end up with what I would call the Licensed Friends, Elite group. They are all skillfully trained in the art of Friendship combat. If you must know, Licensed Friends have every right to call themselves Friends. They have gone through a rigorous training of banter, story-telling, listening to your stories, singing, dancing, arguing, reminding you of what needs to be noted, forgetting your mishaps, helping you forget. They also have Extra Loud laughter for laugh-atons and Reinforced shoulders for crying sessions.

Module 3:
Sometimes you have to tunnel your way through. The multiverse is not a series of doors that open when you knock. There are those that you need to barge your way into. And then there are those that just won’t budge. In which case, tunnel your way through. They say it’s the journey and not the destination that matters. In the end you can say “It wasn’t a smooth ride, there were lots of bumpy paths and sticky mishaps but it was definitely a better ride”

Module 4:
Trusting people is not easy, but sometimes you just have try. You know that feeling when you think there’s one more step when you’re climbing stairs then you realize there’s none. Remember that weird feeling in the tummy? That’s how scary trusting people are, only a hundred times weirder. There could be 10 people you will trust, odds are 9 will let you down. But when you get to that 1 person worth trusting, the other 9 are all worth trying.

Module 5:
Compromise. You never get everything in this life delivered in a bubble wrap. Sometimes you get things all broken, sometimes with missing pieces. Sometimes you can try piecing them back together. Sometimes you can try and find the missing pieces. And sometimes you just have to let it go. Not everything comes in neat perfect packages but they always come with instructions. That instruction always says the same thing: “It’s up to you to make it perfect.”

Module 6:
Some lessons are better learned first hand. Vicarious pleasure, vicarious living is fun. But Life can become an addiction and when venturing into battle second hand lessons are not always the best set of armament. Sometimes scars are the best reminders of lessons learned. Sometimes they even hurt just enough to keep you from making the same mistake.

Module 7:
Be true to yourself no matter how cliché it may sound. It’s so much easier to get lost in a crowd knowing who you are than being in a room all alone without knowing what’s inside

Module 8:
I shall quote Dumbledore on this, “It is our choices that show who we truly are far more than our abilities.” Talent is something you are born with (although sometimes I wonder if that is true). But then talent is not going to make things happen. Even a vessel overflowing with fuel is not going to move unless someone turns the ignition. You have to make the choice even if the choice seems unlikely. And when the choice is made, you have to make it the right choice.

Module 9:
Lessons never stop coming until you stop learning, the same way that air is always present until you decide to stop breathing it in. You have to make the choice to accept. You cannot always be sure of the outcome of things, you just have to try. Sometimes things fall into pieces, at times smaller and at times bigger. Open your eyes and pick the lesson, they often are labeled Lesson Learned, we are just too scared to see.

Module 10:
Review all past modules and get ready for a practical exam.

Exam Instructions: Lifelong exam consists of an infinite number of questions. Answer honestly. No need to cheat because you will never find the answer sheet. All points are awarded for effort. Have fun because this is the only exam that will matter.

Take three yes?

2008-02-19T19:56:00.002-06:00

Posted dec. 26,2004. again last april 30, 2006. And again...

the advent of technology...you spend hours on the net surfing for stuff you don't really need. well, just an excuse to be online. hoping that maybe for some unknown but an appreciated reason you'll chance upon someone. not just someone, but some one.so everyday even for an hour you log-in, keeping your toes (since your currently using your hands) crossed. maybe just maybe...and everyday you get frustrated.but not enough to keep you away from the computer.and so one day, in the wee hours of the morning, you spotted your happiness online.out of your invisibility cloak you go for a casual stroll and hopefully your ip address might bump into his.haaaaay.......what we do to be called crazy

...

2008-02-05T08:33:00.000-06:00

Never been this scared before.

Now I know why I've never been fond of so many people, but I'm not gonna tell you why. I'd rather have all the conflict inside.

Problem:

2008-01-13T08:49:00.000-06:00

She does not feel significant enough to waste the time of other people, whether voluntarily given or not.

Especially Dark :D

2007-10-30T11:21:00.000-05:00

First of all, who puts smileys on titles??? I think that's the whole all...

It's a great feeling to be working on something you like. But when you fall in love with an idea there's always that possibility of killing yourself. Of course, I can't die... which makes it worse? or better?

...

2007-10-28T09:21:00.000-05:00

Slept July
Woke up October

Methinks

2007-10-08T02:26:00.000-05:00

The longer you stay in the game, the harder it is to differentiate fact from fiction.

Musings

2007-10-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

You are so not an easy obsession.

Say "Hi Me!"

2007-10-02T02:07:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's sadder knowing that this thesis of mine could fall into shambles because I get so easily distracted, or knowing that I'm my biggest distraction.

Methinks:
Is aspirin addictive?

Sagada, Mountain Province

2007-09-19T00:01:00.000-05:00

This entry is long overdue. I just realized I need to write this now. With the current state of my deteriorating memory all that will be left is an idea of smiles and tummy ache without any recollection of how it got there. Plus I made a deal with my brain that if I get this done now, it will stop wandering into the often explored depths of my stupidity and allow me to work on my thesis.

The Sagada trip was about two weeks ago. WOW! That is not an acronym. It is a word synonymous to the Sumaging Cave.

The trip unofficially started with the annoying act of lugging around a 4-days worth of clothes in leather shoes and school uniform which it seems, is not even necessary. Read: around 4 hours of waiting for nothing. After the waiting, we made our way outside the school which shall now be known unofficially (nicked from Nikki), “The Flight of the Turtles… or the Tortoises”. Lotsa waiting and secretly blocking the way of the co occupants of the bus so that we get our choice of seats. Oh, and this is where the whining starts. However, a certain Whiney or Whiny shall be the only one to perfect this art.

I’m too lazy for the narrative, so I’ll just outline a few things I learned in Sagada.

1. The jump seat is not a very happy place. Not for me, at least. Although, Eveth says it’s the best sacrifice she’s made this year… Or something to that effect.

2. I said this before, “If you love your ass, the jeepney ride to the Saddle (Batad) is better undertaken inside the jeep not on top of it.” and I say this now, the ride from Banaue to Sagada is not a short ride and is not a smooth ride. You’re lucky if your ass ends up just flat and----ummm, for lack of a better word, not lopsided. :D. I swear the view is beautiful, but your bottom will never be the same again…

3. Make sure that when you ride the coaster to Sagada your hair is dry. Because when you mix mountain air (also known as dust) to wet hair you get clumps of twig-looking hair.

4. Shiny forehead? Need to powder your nose? Stick your face out of the bus.

5. Sagada coffee is good and cheap. (Yay)

6. Yoghurt House, nuff said. (It’s a you-need-to-be-there moment)

7. Water in Sagada is also cold. Especially when you’re bathing while trying to keep an eye on all for corners of the bathroom, afraid that some uninvited entity is joining you.

8. Three bathrooms for 19 people are enough for a short stay provided that the other two do not have McArthur moments.

9. I am lucky at picking a bathroom. I picked the one with no voyeur and no “I shall return” moments.

10. I think I might have the makings of a gambler. (A couple of years ago, we were in Vegas and I had to constantly keep moving around the ‘gambling area’ because I’m not yet allowed to gamble. I wonder now if they were just trying to keep me out because they knew right away I’d be one of those crying at the table having just lost money she doesn’t even have. You know what, I think this belongs to another entry).

Moving on…

11. Jerold shall now be known as Jer-Jer. Hahahaha! (Si Jerold parang mag ggolf lang)

12. Some people need not be drunk to do ‘things’. We all know what happened in that hotel corridor… and I have pictures to prove it (I’m such a blackmailer)

Side note: Digital cameras are one of the best inventions ever. You get to take lasting impressions of momentary lapses of judgement.

13. A brownout shall not deter Pats from achieving a world record: “The most number of trips to the buffet”.

14. Gigs had two stressful moments in the bathroom. One with a brownout and one with a McArthur. :D

15. Special lesson for Nikki, Always close the bathroom door.

16. Special lesson for Nikki again, Wear a belt when wearing loosely fitted shorts. :D

17. Many tried. But alas, they failed. Only one succeeded. Whiney or Whiny has perfected the art of Whining.

18. There’s not much need to pack light for Sagada.

19. Dress code: Casual clothes applicable for trekking and getting wet.

20. The cold mountain air does things to the gasses that come out of your backside.

21. The Pats question: Who’s your idol architect? (asked with a twinkle in his eye)

22. When they order one case of beer and say they’ll ration it… don’t believe them. They can polish it off in say, 3 hrs… :D

23. The sumaging cave is beautiful, a little vulgar at times but beautiful just the same.

24. That muddy looking substance on the rocks… Icky, smelly bat droppings.

25. I shall reiterate the fact that Gollum is a strong hiker and a good spelunker as well. It’s funny when we go to these beautiful places (Read Batad and Sagada) we end up like our ancestors, on all fours…

...

2007-09-10T00:19:00.000-05:00

Site Strength

People do not go "Hello there, Parking Lot"

It's just like watching T.V

2007-08-25T10:14:00.000-05:00

I vicariously live my life through the people who surround me. The people who do what I would love to do, are in places where I would love to be. The people who are essentially me, in my dreams. I get so fascinated with these people and wonder how come they are living my life. I guess that's why I never really liked meeting these kinds of people. It ruins the vicarious pleasure. The more you talk to them the more you realize the difference between you and them. The difference could be the reason why you cannot be in their shoes. Then it gets to the point when you just let out a frustrated "Ok, fine. You're not me". Then I have to scavenge again for people who could be me.

If you think about it, it's just one twisted narcissistic hobby in a very out of body sense.

I guess it's about time I get to experience the infamous Life first hand. I never really had a plan about this chapter because I always thought I'd be gone before the previous chapter closes. So, the plan was to live as many lives as possible and leave before they get old. It's actually quite perfect in theory until you realize I might be alive still at 40. Without school life to cover up my perfectly messy vicarious existence I would have to settle for the not so perfect, not preferred option---to live. I hate the idea. Occasionally, I tried to step out of the spectator's box. But Whoa! i come running back because these people are hardwired to stick their knives down your throat to get to your beating blood box. You know, they take it out, chop it to pieces and when they're satisfied, try to feed it to you thinking maybe your spit is enough to glue it back together. I can't blame them though, I guess it's innate. I may be doing it to other people too. Only, I turn their brains into mush with my senseless rants. Hmm...I might like this whole 'live the life' thing.

Another dose of sense

2007-08-21T23:29:00.000-05:00

The most effective way to do it, is to do it.
-Amelia Earhart

Methinks:
Some people are really polite and helpful. I wonder why...
-The Cynic in Me

Daily dose of sense

2007-08-07T10:00:00.000-05:00

"Oh, daytime TV is muy estupido"
-Bart

Someone slipped Felix Felicis on my wine last night

2007-08-06T22:11:00.000-05:00

Smiling is a good thing, I guess. But when fictional characters start playing a big part in that smile, I guess it starts getting twisted.

And by getting twisted I mean crazy... which is always nice, of course.

Methinks:

On the not so bright side, I've been doing some unofficial net surfing.I've been to Mugglenet.com almost everyday...and wondering why there aren't so many updates... then I realized Harry Potter has ended, great!

My brain is starting to deteriorate... and my heart, well, I don't have one.

I can't quite think of one

2007-07-30T00:07:00.000-05:00

It's over, the reading I mean. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is a book opened and will never be closed. I have a lot to say about the Harry Potter series that I can't quite put into words. They just keep falling out as tears.

Just in time. Happy Birthday, Harry Potter.

I hate it when things end

2007-07-20T11:34:00.000-05:00

I'm going to say it now and laugh at myself later.

I never believed it was possible to cry over a book that you haven't read yet, or even seen. Nor do i think it is possible to cry over acknowledgements. I knew it, i should have not read what JK wrote in her website.

I think it's kleenex I'll be needing a lot of tomorrow.

Must be hormones

2007-07-01T08:50:00.000-05:00

It's been a while.

So much for being sorry that my blog has been neglected.

Anyway, being the Potterphile that I am,I read this article from time mag about the "magical moment" and how Scholastic is trying to preserve the moment. I must say I agree, the magical moment is a myth. Of course, there is nothing better than opening a book for the first time without knowing how the story goes or if you'll forget all about it once the book is closed. The big difference with movies and books is that watching a movie for the nth time leads to a memorized movie. Hence, people finishing the characters' lines. I've seen the first two Harry Potter movies no less than 50 times. (yes i know it's pretty depressing I have no social life...) I think I've memorized the lines already, but the magic hasn't worn out yet. I've seen the rest of the Potter films no less than 10 times (and yes it's depressing again, but i intend to watch them some more), magic is still alive.

I've read all the Potter books no less than 3 times, and trying very hard to read them atleast a week for each book. You'd have thought, I've probably memorized the book, known every detail. Surprisingly I don't. Maybe it's my bad memory, or maybe it's because books are meant to be read and enjoyed over and over or until you find your next favorite. I am saddened by the thought that that will probably never happen to me (emo moment, everyone clap for me) I am writing this to remind myself that when I find the next big thing for me, I could laugh at myself.

I am really starting to sound like a heartbroken puppy.

But seriously, if you can't stand Harry Potter (which i don't understand... but that's just me). Pick something up, a book, a magazine, a brochure... Read. It doesn't have to be my blog, seriously.

I. must. stop. Despite of all the nonsense I have yet to dispense. The length of this blog entry is indicative of my current busyness. and since I claim to be drowning with work... I'd hate to contradict myself...Why i totally love of course...I really should st--

...

2007-05-23T09:04:00.000-05:00

There is something about that dark that makes it appealing. I guess it's the fact that it makes the coming of the light more beautiful. But i still can not figure out, why i always preferred the dark.

...

2007-05-04T08:14:00.000-05:00

San? San nakakabili ng Eli?

Makes you want to run away and then back

2007-05-01T22:26:00.000-05:00

Pictures were strewn on the floor, colored and alive. We were in black and white so alike the way we really are, they way we see you and I. There were people all around us, they way they always are. They were asleep, as asleep as they are all the time.

The room was gray with four walls, a door and a missing ceiling. In place of it was the starry sky, just enough illumination for your face, our faces.

I am lost as I always am whenever I talk to you, whenever I talk to anyone. You were trying to tell me something and as usual I do not understand. You took one of the pictures on the floor and showed them to me. I figured you were trying to prove a point. I wasn’t really paying attention until I noticed the pictures you were laying out in front of me. Pictures I have never seen before. But they were of you and me. Something was strange about those photos… they seemed to be moving in slow motion. Oh, laughter, I can hear laughter.

The pictures were in full color, moving and laughing. I know, though I don’t know how, that that was us laughing. I sense happiness in those pictures. Who took them? Why wasn’t I aware?

I really don’t understand what you were trying to tell me. I guess you sensed it as furrows deepened in my forehead. You made them disappear with the gentle touch of your air. And I felt I somehow understood. For the first time, I understood.

I stood up and reached for the door. I was overwhelmed with what dawned on me as I stared at those pictures on the floor. I opened the door and found another gray room. Your alter ego was there. I asked what the bother is since it’s too late to be turning on the stove. Milk. Again, I was lost and did not understand.

Dreams are usually on a grayscale. Blurry and foggy. Indistinct voices and ungraspable messages. Seldom to dreams come in full color, alive and surprisingly happy.

Dreams, they only amuse you for a few moments. The smiles last for a few moments upon waking. But the realization gets stuck all your waking hours.

Great! Just when you thought your waking self will be able to live the better life your treacherous dreams creeps up on you and tells you,

“Darling, do not fool yourself. We both know the surreal untruth would be better than your reality.”

Penchant for the delicate bubbles

2007-05-01T08:58:00.000-05:00

I have a penchant for wanting the things I can never have or wanting the things I don’t necessarily need. I live for the challenge of the things that constantly elude me. I sound ungrateful sometimes, appearing to not pay attention to the things I have.

I am grateful and I am aware of the things I have. But I fear that when the challenge of the chasing leaves me I will cease to be. I will be the rational being the world wants me to be, the one who thinks before taking action or in my case, rather, to think less.

My current inability to organize my thoughts, to come up with logically sequenced paragraphs, an outline of the things I should be talking about, to be parallel, is something I have to endure, for now. I. hope.

My smiles are, more often than not, indicators not of my happiness but of an impending blow. A blow that can be shallow or deep that renders me useless once more. A blow that leaves me once again, the feeling, the romantic (lazy lunatic). And for the nth I’m gonna claim that this time I will not fall victim of that morphine drip, that this time I’m gonna face the facts, the truth. I appear as though I live my life in pain, constantly. I don’t.

I like to isolate the pain, to barricade it and place it in a bubble. Impenetrable, but to me. And around my bubble, I blow the little bubbles of my lies, fantasies, dreams of how things should have been.

So I guess, this smile I’m sporting for now is a welcome to my sadness.

I hope life proves me wrong.